My update thread.
 

Tonight i was meant to go to a friends. Not a big deal to some, but to me it was. Agoraphobic for 2 years, and i was planning for the first time to go away from my safe haven - my room - and stay around someone elses house.

Hundreds of texts and calls later i've got the message i'm not wanted. I've sat here all day with my bags packed and fully clothed, only to know i wasn't even wanted in the first place. Weeks of planning to go to hers, for nothing.

Something so trivial is what i needed to know in my heart that i wasn't wanted.


I'm sorry for all the false suicide plans - although to me they were always very much real. I'm sorry for letting my friends down. I'm just plain sorry for being a pest, and for being a seemingly trouble maker of a member.

Please don't leave us *hugs* i'm sorry your plans to go to a friends have fallen though, i only have a small amount of anxiety when going outside so it must be a lot harder for you ans i can see how much of a toll this is taking on you. Please please don't do anything. I nearly died on thursday. But the way i see it i'm on my second (and final) chance to live. I'd hate for you to go through that. *hugs* please stay safe, is there anyone who could come over and be with you?

sorry you've been let down, it's not your fault. please stay safe. is there anything you can do to occupy yourself?

I'm sorry to hear that :(

Is there anyone else you can ring or invite someone over to yours?

Please dont do anything.

Ignore the thread.
As soon as i made it i put the bag on i packed and my handbag (across the body bag) - told mum i was going to meet "my friend" at the shop - dad kept offering to walk me there, i refused.
Half way up the road, my cat Benji follows (most inconveniant of times) then dad comes following me - i think mother told him to follow me and wait with me because she sensed i was going to do something, i don't know how she sensed it, but she did, and i was pissed.

Still not heard from so called "friend" - i'm not interested in her bullsh*t now, it takes no more than a second to text me to tell me what's gone on for the past so many hours. I didn't sleep until gone 6am worrying about going out, even mum knew i'd been up all night worrying myself silly. I was up at 11:30am, petrified, i ended up dragging myself in the shower and having a shower/hairwash/shave, i packed my bag, i did my hair nice, i didn't eat as i knew we were getting a take out, and i layed here from 1:30pm until 8pm when i made this entry phoning and texting praying for her to get back to me and she didn't. There's no excuse. She has a contract phone, her house phone she won't answer and i know she's at home as her daughter is in bed by now.

I went to so much effort for today, you don't f*cking realise how much i suffered for the past few days worrying myself over today, but i was determined to go - i had to do it for myself. And she let me down. Again. This isn't the first time. I've known her since i was 14 and all she's done is let me down since then and i can't mentally or emotionally cope with it anymore.

I have other friends in the area but not so close. My closest friends are online and it's impossible to see them like i'd like to.

I feel alone, i feel rejected, i feel dirty, i feel vile, i just feel like i'm a piece of sh*t on someones shoe and this is what pushed me over the edge.

But my parents are so f*cking wary of my ways they won't let me do anything. I hate it. I need to move out if i'm to do anything. Or wait until they go to bed.

I can't do it anymore. No one f*cking understands and i'm on my own with no one around me to properly talk to. My texts are ignored, or they don't reply until the next day when the mood has passed or i'm feeling too upset to even talk. I'm just on my own. And i can't do it. I can't. I've tried. Good god i've tried. But whats the point? There ISN'T ONE.

Hun, if you want to talk on msn tonight, I'll be there. Text me if I'm not.

I know, as much as I can from your threads, that today was a terribly big deal, and I am realy disgusted at your friend to be honest, I think you were taking tremendous steps forward and it's just shite that she's treated you this way.

You deserve better than this. You really do, I know you don't think you do, I know you think you're hated (and god knows there are some right fuckwits in that respect who shouldn't fuck with you when you're 1000000000x better than them), but you're not by the people who count. We're here for you, we want to be here for you, and we're not going to go away.

*huggles* That sounds very bad of your friend to do. I am working on the assumption that she knows you have agoraphobia?

What I want you to tell yourself, and I know it will be hard to do, but you need to know that this is not your fault. You did all the right things, you made the plan and took it as organised. I know it caused you a lot of stress, and it was very very brave of you to do and to hold to. It is your friend who is at fault. Not you. You are far from vile, you are a fantastic person who has done their best to remain true to a friend that is in no way showing any sign of returning that level of respect or friendship.

Fallen rain has said it much much better than I can... my brain is a bit muddled right now.

*cuddles* feel proud of yourself for deciding to do it, maybe you can take it as a step taken. You did not fail, you still went outside with your bags. You made a plan that you knew would cause stress and inspite of the stress you were determined to stick with it. It is just one person being an idiot that has stopped it from working, and that person was not you.

I am proud of you *cuddles*

Roiben x

I wish I knew what to say to help you to feel better. You do deserve better.

You deserve better than to be treated this way, I think if your friend tries to get in touch you need to have a serious talk with her. There are other people in the world, people who are good and kind, don't give up just because there are a few crappy ones who are being cruel to you *big hugs*

I promise to reply soon...i just..well, i can't really focus properly right now. I'm feeling really low and..basically could do with some hugs/support/reassurance. I'm finding things really hard at the moment.
I'm even considering a hospital for a bit of "respite". I'm really thinking on it, i'm going to phone GP tomorrow to talk to him about it.

Thankyou all for your wonderful words. It means a lot. I really mean that.

x

I think it's really brave of you to think about hospital and other options.
Don't worry about replying, you do what you can, we're here for you unconditonally. Have huge hugs from me.
I really hope tomorrow you get a good talk with your GP, I'll text you at some point to see how you are if that's ok?

xx

That's fine - thanks Abigail for your ongoing support both on and off RYL - it means a lot. If i don't reply for a bit don't worry or anything, i just feel like everythings in slow motion at the moment so i'm struggling. I don't think i'm dissociating, but i definatly feel on the edge of it, sort of..not really with it.
I don't make sense do i? Er..

Thanks anyway, it really means a lot. xx

It's nothing, really hun, you're a very important person to me (And many other people on RYL).

That (the slow motion) sometimes happens to me, I see it as a form of dissociation/depersonalization, the spectrum is pretty broad, however call it whatever is easiest to process. You do make sense (to me at least) I know it's really hard to function in that sort of state, especially things like typing. What can help is sensory things, like splashing your face with very, very cold water, smelling vinegar, or doing things like writing down where you are, what is happening to you, your name, etc. I have a leaflet on grounding that might help if you like I could email it to you. I think when things are so bad it's best to try and reduce the pain by 20% first, rather than aiming to make it all go away at once - because I don't know about you, but I'm always disappointed when I try to do it all at once and it fails.

One of the best things, I find, is thinking about why you're on the verge of dissociating, or what you could do to comfort the part of you that has decided you need to do this. Of course, when you're dissociated/on the verge of dissociating it's bloody hard to think at all, so what I find best is to have set things to do to look after oneself, the best I've found of these is wrapping a really big thick blanket around myself, it can really help when you're feeling extremely vulnerable.

Here for you hun, xxx

You make sense in what you've said, i understood all of it. I just feel all a bit weird, ive not had this feeling before. I think it's a mixture of exhaustion (despite having slept all night and all day), upset/stress from last night..and just generally feeling really low. When i've dissociated in the past i'd just blank out, then come round 10-15 minutes later, sometimes upto an hour later and usually in that time i've self harmed. I've not had it like this before, everything just seems all spacey and i feel like it's taking me years just to take one blink of the eye? Er. That's a stupid thing to say.

This is taking ages to write. Sorry. I'd love the article Abigail, can't promise i'll beable to fully read it properly now but definatly something i'll read tomorrow.

This is so weird it's scaring me. Breathing seems hard. I need to pee but the effort seems immense. I have a migraine..just took some tablets..i hope it goes.

I'll go now. Not making sense. xx

nothing helpful to say but *hugs* anyway

Ily Laura. xx

Hey im sorry your feeling so bad, going through so much and having so many things to deal with.

Well done for doing your best with trying to cope with all this and i really hope that you dont give up.

im also sorry you feel so badly about yourself right now.i only wish you could see in you what i truly do through your posts etc even without knowing you well.

i know my words probably arent much use and neither probably is my post!

But i just wanted to let you know im here and i read.

And also i think that it would be a really great idea if you could speak to your GP tomoro and you really do sound like you could do with a break/something else to help you/an extra bit of support right now so im really glad your considering it.

Good luck.

i really do hope that you manage to speak to them, it goes ok and they are helpful.

Keep in touch and keep writing ok.Hope its helpful.

Can't cope.
Need to get through tonight but struggling immensly.
Please let my GP be in. Please please please.
CPN off all week. Can't contact her.
Screwed. F*cking screwed.

Typsee - thankyou for taking the time in replying. Infact, that goes to all of you, i appreciate your support right now.

I've just taken my medication in the hope it will soon kick in but i have a feeling it won't for some time, they never seem to work when i most want them to.
I know helplines are out there but i find helplines just..intimidating. I'm rubbish on the phone and i don't even know what i want to talk about. I just feel..really weird, my moods are jumping between frustration to depression, i can't seem to settle on one or the other. I know i'm on my period and my moods from my BPD increase dramatically around this time but i feel so hurt from yesterday and i don't even think Zoe understands just how much she's hurt me. To her it's just..like always, like i'll be fine with it and go running back to her. But i won't. I can't do that anymore.

There's so much sh*t i've not mentioned when it comes to friendships and i feel that i'm just cursed, and that i should stay away from everyone because i'm just going to infect everyone.