yeah it was annoying and funny. apparently according to some bt guys they went in by one manhole cut the cable, went to the net manhole along and pulled out as much as they could!
*nods to 40mg*
do NOT want to go up. But i think best thing to do about pills is have a chat with doc. ask referral *shudders* (really dont want to it like step back but it sensible one) and see what happens. thing is although i do get mood swings and the occasional voice i'm a lot more stable than i was, dont see why should increase meds yes i have had the odd completely freaked out feel i'm crazy moment or if i'm being honest the odd bad week but... *shrugs* I think i'm managing ok. for now.
i just find physics harder.
maths is challengin but once you understand you understand you know?
I dont want to go up cos 1. then drinking is even worse (i'm not meant to drink but i gave up on that after my 18th birthday i try to stay in moderation and generally only drink once ocassionally twice in a week but feel a litle guilty...)
2. more importaintly yes bit wobbly but dont think bad enough/ sustained enough to go up.
3. I take quite a bit of medication already 40mg for depression, inhalers for asthma, antihistamines etc. and i'm kind of fed up with it.
4. more tablets means having to go see doc more regularly as i may not get repeats/ will get less repeats. and i know i need to see doc sometimes but i'm so busy and hate going just to go more pills please.
5. it more of a step back taking meds than counselling and talking therapy, i do not want to be reliant on medication my whole life for my head, if i hadnt had this bump i'd be trying to persuade doctor to let me go down
so yeah i dont want to go up.
also more meds more an illness, i'm only half admitting its an illness right now sometimes i admit it bettewr than others, at moment my brain problems are MY fault.
*hugs Jen and welcomes her back to thread*
I understand what you mean about pills, and it sounds like you really value the talking therapies more, and that's fine. How is counselling going at the moment? And I'm glad your starting to accept things and try the cbt things- keep going with that, they be helpful :)
Well done for deciding to accept the assessment- that's a good move! *pats Jen on head*
Good luck your first exam tomorrow!! Morning or afternoon? I will be thinking about you lots and sending intellectual thoughts in a westerly direction :)
Last edited by Pi.R^2 : 17-05-2011 at 03:01 PM.
Reason: ceeb
Exam was in the morning and it went well :) Hooray :) often in practise papers i only liked/ properly understood 2 questions, but in the exam there were 3. Given my mood a big boost, for the short term anyway.
I was going to come on here last night but i was too exhausted after long day and counselling in end i got into bed and went to sleep at 9.30pm! I was that tired.
counselling i think it helps, getting stuff out it can be painful but i'm slowly getting better at dealing with me the bad and the good. was so exhausted before even got to counselling that i could barely stop yawning. cried properly for the first time in a session with her, i was talking about how it annoyed me that after all this time the bullying still affected me so bad. it still hurts. i want to get other it deal with and lay it to rest.. but i dont know how.
hope you are ok and fine and dandy and such,
a sleepy, a bit little jen xx
Yayyy, glad the exam went well. *does a little victory dance*
How are you today? When is next exam?
It sounds like counselling is working for you then? I think crying is supposed to be good, in those circumstances...
Did she have any advice of how you might learn to be less affected by the bullying?
A sleepy, disoriented, head-achey give-me-sympathy jen :p
not really any advice about how to. she said it was ok not to know though.
it coinfusing.
i sorr iwas a bad jen cause i didnt mention referal to doctor. but well i shouldnt be allowed in doctors to talk about my mental health on a good day, cos i end up being positive and glossing over things making everything look better even if it hasnt been most of the time :/
swings and roundabouts, that only problem with this counselling it not very advice based more trying to help you ge stuff out find your own awnswers.
right off to scouts to help,
may write more later and stuff
Hmm, yeah I guess that's annoying, but I guess it's good that counselling can equip you with the ability to learn to find your own solutions to things?
mess of a jen.
i was feeling alright earlier got an exam tomorrow (physics retake) and feel pretty ready. bad memories attached to this exam, last time i took it it i remember the night before i was really struggling, i harmed and was suicidal. so bad association i guess.
but i fell asleep when i got home for almost 2 stupid fucking hours.
but even after that i was still ok kind of.
been having bad dreams about people following me, being so worried they force their way in and i end up in trouble. dreams where i look down and my wrists are well not good.
maybe its my fault, on saturday night i had around half a small bottle of vodka and a round bottle and half of cider. just hanging out with a friend round theirs. possibly most i've ever drunk and probably wasnt healthy, i had the dream after i went to bed when i got home from friends. Thyen sunday went to a family friends' silver wedding party and drank around 2 pints of pimms. so yeah shit loads of alcohol but i was happy so surely it was okay wasnt drinking alone. mind you when me and my friend were quite drunk we opened up to each other, turns out she's been to camhs too different reasons but insight. i let quite bit out and so did she maybe thart the real reason i had dream? I dont know tying to go to counselling tomorrow after school and exam.
havent done any revision since i got home. but thats ok i mostly prepared try to get my head back in gear and do a little final revision tonight. just feeling weird. kind of need to harm. kind of have already, i was stopping myself hitting my head into the wall and i squeesed pretty hard so pfft.
i'm trying you know i'm doing better than i was. but i'm not better.
i thought i be 'better' by now or at least off the pills. mind you didnt take them last few days cos i was drinking.
i think it worse cos i alone now i more dangerous then.
ffs.
i'm sorry.
dont even know wats fgoing on.
head hurts, crying, explosive just dont know.
if you read this thank you know my problems arent massive but just tired of fighting i guess
Last edited by long road : 23-05-2011 at 10:40 PM.
*hugs*
I have a similar experience with some exams last year, so I know how hard this evening must be with the resit tomorrow. Can you try to get an early night, or do something relaxing this evening to try to take your mind off it?
The bad dreams aren't your fault at all. Dreams are like the weirdest things ever, and who knows how they come about!! Maybe take a look here for some advice? It sounds like some good ideas- I will try some too I think! http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...ad.php?t=82564
Hmm, drinking can be fun in moderation, but maybe going a bit overboard didn't help your mood? It's different for different people, so I think it's just a matter of experience, working out what makes you feel good, and what tends to make things bad.
Not taking your meds for the past few days probably isn't helping either- can you try to get back into taking them?
Is there anyone else in the house you could go talk to for a bit now? Even just asking someone to test you on a few questions for the exam or something might help.
And I know you're tired, and it's so difficult, and you don't need to downplay your problems. You're having a rough time, and you deserve help and support and hugs to get you through this. Because you can get through this.
noone in house to talk to. mum in bed. cant talk to dad.
talking to holly over skype but not same and i feel bad for dumping on her on anyone you guys included.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : contains sorta sexual abuse
most you probably know but when i was 15 in italy on a train after talking to an italian guy (in italian) i speak a bit) well he kind of tried to rape but didn't get there. it wasnt like major sexual assault he only kissed me (pulled) felt me up tried dragging me to toilets and i ran off. partly my fault must of lead him on. and at first i was just so shocked i went along with it. but worse almost was the fact that some people in my year found out and for most of year 11 i got teased about a guy assaulting me. my 'italian stallion'
it still feels bad that the first person i kissed was someone who forced himself on me. i mean i grateful it wasnt worse and i got out but still wasnt nice i guess.
so yeah
thanks for being nice.
sorry i failing a bit.
Well, I hope you're cuddled up in bed now, but if not, do feel free to text me, if you think it would help you feel less on your own?
And it sucks that that Italian was the first person you kissed, but i'm guessing by the sounds of it you've kissed some much more honourable gentlemen since then? Maybe it would help to focus on that, instead of the first time. Or even just say that the Italian guy didn't count as your first kiss!
one nice my current boyfriend adam.
but before him at 16 i was with someone who tried to go tiofast/ take advantage, groped me in front of friend's etc. despite me telling him about italian. in end he got dumped. i couldnt handle it and i wasn't happy. then he tried sucide a few days later.
so for me relationships and intamacy are rather difficult i guess.
adam first proper boyfriend i trust him and love him. but italian and the other still haunt me a bit.
right now exhausted after counselling session where we went deep, i ended up telling her some of the stuff that goes through my head and some of the stuff about suicide i mentioned in R& V. she ended up really concerned about my safety. i got really scared and stil bit unstable . properly cried in front of her for second week in row and for me crying is a big thing. i really don't know if i'm safe or not. i get so scared when i feel suicidal, scared i'll lose control at the same time as wanting to, it can seem an answer. that or harming to release. in end i went with mostly safe, and if i try i will be, just so hard i'm tired of fighting. still determined to try just broke in session today.
still a bit of a mess,
Jen
trying hard to be safe, dont want me saying mostly to counsellor to have been a lie.
Last edited by long road : 24-05-2011 at 07:48 PM.
Reason: trying to make it make more sense
*hugs hugs hugs*
Adam sounds really lovely, and I'm really happy that you've found someone who you love and can trust. *smiles* You two sounds like a really cute couple!
Sounds like counselling was intense! Well done for telling her about the stuff in your r/v etc- I hope it helped to tell someone in person, instead of just writing it down?
*major hugs* Sorry that you're having to fight so hard at the moment :( That sucks, and I hope things start to feel better very soon :)
very intense.
i got soo scared she was going to do what they sometimes have to.
i knew she'd tell me before she did, but i was still frightened, not just of help or facing situation but of my self what i might do.
it did help to talk in person but it made it very real, and i kind of reacted badly.
i think she got bit worried that she scared me and about my safety. took me a bit to persuade her i was safe , still not sure i persuaded myself.
maybe i cope, maybe i get there i really dont know.
suicide stilll seems somewhat of an option. but i know i shouldnt.
pfft. *hugs*
*hugs*
Stay safe Jen- I'm glad you know that suicide isn't the right thing to do!
What are your plans for tomorrow? Please be very gentle with yourself- you've talked about a lot of hardcore stuff in counselling today, so it's understandable that you're quite fragile now.
last night this morning i wasnt really safe but i got through it. would say i'm mostly safe now. not completely sure, but i'm trying.
major thanks go to the ninja jen for putting up with a rambling fail of a phone call, when i ran out of school in my free (especially seeing as she was shopping!)
i couldnt say much of really bad stuff like suicidal urges on phone but at least it distracted me and made me a bit more positive :)
*give jen sticker*
haven't harmed yet, still kind of want to.
think i'm going to struggle for a few days after getting in such a weird mess of feelings, images and fright.
doesnt make much sense right now. last day of school tomorrow so determined to go in despite being rather wobbly and doubt of my safety.
thanks for bothering with me and all the kind words,
jen X
