Triggering (SI) - I'm terrified

Steel Maiden · 09-03-2008, 08:14 PM

I was discharged from hospital yesterday.

I ran away from school on Thursday afternoon, only for the police to find me wandering (completely spaced out - I can't remember how I got from Hammersmith to Tooting) around near Tooting Bec station. They took me to A&E and I ended up in psych ward.
I nearly smashed my nose into pieces against the wall in the psych ward. I had a massive nosebleed and had my hands and face covered in blood. A nurse found me in my room, completely dissociated and catatonic with blood everywhere. He whacked the alarm and the doctor and some nurses came rushing there. I was cleaned up and put up a level on observation. Two hours later, I tried to do it again (I was having severe attacks of the voices telling me to do these things), and I ended up being restrained and injected.

The voices are still here, screaming and shouting, telling me to run away, telling me to hurt myself. I am so terrified and I am pretty sure that I'll do something stupid.

If only the olanzepine could start working now, not next week....

I'm shaking. Can barely type any more.

Stellata · 09-03-2008, 08:22 PM

*sits with you*

That sounds really frightening. Why did they discharge you? Do you have an out of hours crisis number to call? If not you could try calling The Samaritans or Saneline.
The voices are wrong. You don't have to do what they say.
Keep posting here as much as you need to.

Sleepless123 · 09-03-2008, 08:28 PM

i too am wondering why the hospital discharged you though know they often do some odd things.Hugs.Presumably you are involved with staff from the local CAMHS or CMHT?Can you contact them as it sounds like you could do with some more support or if you dont feel comfortable talking to mental health is there someone else you do trust who you could go to just to get things off your chest and so that they could ensure you stay safe?You really dont sound very safe right now.Please know that i/we are here.

Take care
sleepless123

Steel Maiden · 09-03-2008, 08:29 PM

My doctor (not the doctor at the ward) discharged me because "hospital is not the right place for me". I think he was influenced by my Mum. I have an appointment tomorrow with my dr, but the voices are killing me and I can't tell my parents. I should call the crisis line, but I have a CPN coming to see me tomorrow morning.
I will take a sleeping pill tonight.
My god I'm petrified.

DUNFERMLINEBOY · 09-03-2008, 08:30 PM

Can't even begin to imagine what you're going through! At least now you're somewhere where they can start to try and get your meds right!

Hang on in there, my thoughts are with you!

Stellata · 09-03-2008, 08:32 PM

How does your mum see things?
What does your doctor think?
What do you feel you need?

I'm glad you've got your CPN coming tomorrow, and you're also seeing your doctor. I would strongly suggest that you call the crisis line if things get too hard for you to cope with alone. That's what they're there for.

What kind of things help you relax and feel safer?

Sleepless123 · 09-03-2008, 08:41 PM

i agree with Stellata that you should try and do whatever would make you feel safe,relaxed and calmer and perhaps also distract or block out the voices if you can and if things do get really bad please do ring the crisis line.Please pick up the phone if things get really really bad and dont struggle alone.It sounds like there is so much going on.Also yes if you have been prescribed sleeping pills perhaps you should take one in a bit and try and get some rest and an early night?What do you think?Also im so glad you have people coming to see you tomoro and i know its hard but when you see your doc and CPN tomoro please please try and be honest with them so they can try and look after you as you really dont seem in a very good space right now and it seems that they really need to know what is going on.Please know we are also here if you want to continue to talk.Best wishes for now.sleepless123

Steel Maiden · 10-03-2008, 02:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stellata

How does your mum see things?
What does your doctor think?
What do you feel you need?

I'm glad you've got your CPN coming tomorrow, and you're also seeing your doctor. I would strongly suggest that you call the crisis line if things get too hard for you to cope with alone. That's what they're there for.

What kind of things help you relax and feel safer?

My Mum is trying really hard to support me through thi.
I haven't seen my doctor yet; I hope that he changes.
I think that I needed to be in hospital for longer.
My CPN was helpful, but I just feel like I need to be observed more, as last night I hurt myself agai.
I'm listening to music almost constantly to block out the voices.

Thanks for the kind help.

Steel Maiden · 10-03-2008, 02:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sleepless123

i agree with Stellata that you should try and do whatever would make you feel safe,relaxed and calmer and perhaps also distract or block out the voices if you can and if things do get really bad please do ring the crisis line.Please pick up the phone if things get really really bad and dont struggle alone.It sounds like there is so much going on.Also yes if you have been prescribed sleeping pills perhaps you should take one in a bit and try and get some rest and an early night?What do you think?Also im so glad you have people coming to see you tomoro and i know its hard but when you see your doc and CPN tomoro please please try and be honest with them so they can try and look after you as you really dont seem in a very good space right now and it seems that they really need to know what is going on.Please know we are also here if you want to continue to talk.Best wishes for now.sleepless123

Thank you so much, thank you.
I took my sleeping pills early last night, but they were not as effective as I thought, as the voices woke me up in the very early hours of the morning, and I self-harmed again. I am trying my hardest to fight this. I think that the people at school who help me out must be really annoyed with me now.
My new meds (I've taken them before: olanzepine) are ruining my co-ordination and giving me the shakes. I have no appetite whatsoever. I just eat forcibly at set times in the day, because I lost 2kg around the hospital time, making my BMI drop too low. So I have to eat. But I don't want to. I have no appetite.
I have the crisis number - I will call them if the voices attack again.
But today is a little bit better than yesterday. Maybe my pills are working.