I overdosed again on Friday. It was better than previous times because I was treated by people who I hadn't met before so they weren't annoyed with me, and I had some hallucinations and felt out of it. I can't wait to do it again but at the same time i'm so fed up with living this way. I don't think I can move forward away from overdosing. I'm too obsessed with hospitals and the emergency services. I also crave attention and care. I like that in hospital all you have to do is press a button and someone will come and help you with whatever you need help with.
I used to have three men in my head who controlled my thoughts and actions sometimes. They tried to kill me. Some of my medication was increased and they went away but they have come back stronger. I met them properly for the first time on Friday. They used to just be shadows but I saw them in varous places on the hospital ward; on the wall, on a blanket, and sitting on a chair. They are younder than I imagined them to be, they seem to be in their late twenties. They haven't spoken to me since the last time I saw them but have sent me the feeling that they are going to kill my brother.
I think i'm just going to kill myself to get away from this horrible life. I can quite honestly say that there is nothing that I enjoy in life apart from overdosing. I'm going to talk to the voluntary crisis team and see if they can help me but I doubt they will be able to. I'm sick of moving from one crisis to the next.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Lindsay I am sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you right now. My heart resonates quite deeply with your post and I wish that things were different for you.
Do you really want to die? I hear your yearning for attention and love - that echoes far more than anything else, yes you are choosing to seek this in destructive ways, but you are exhibiting some definite perserverance in your efforts.
I do worry about the physical health affects that constantly overdosing has on your body particularly in the long term, but I am left wondering if there is not a way that you can get linked in with a supportive living environment whereby you can seek the attention and care that you need at the moment? Is this something that can happen? I also wonder about getting a support worker to support you through those day to day life tasks - sorry, I am not completely familiar with the CPN and what they do.
I guess I hear so strongly that you want to be here, but don't know how to do anything else whilst your deficit of love and care is so great.
I understand that you feel obsessed with overdosing right now, but I think that you are more obsessed with the caring process that surrounds it, regardless of some of the ignorance that come along with it. the process of being cared for out weights any negative....is this correct?
Lindsay you have incredible skills and abilities that RYL has seen throughout the years, and I know for myself you have given me great strength and courage when I felt that all was lost. This doesn't have to be the end if you don't want it to be, but it does mean that you have to put in the hard yards to get through it. But I mean if you can put so much energy into overdosing what do you have to lose by hanging on a little more?
I am sorry to hear about the three men returning, I think it's important that you continue speaking about them. I also hope that your previous psychiatrist can get on board again and develop an appropriate care place for your current circumstances.
I think your doing the right things you just have to change the mindset of nothing is ever doing to get better because if you believe that, that is all that you will achieve and you have much more instore for yourself.
please do not hesitate to contact me if you need anything, or just want to stem some of the loneliness.
take good care of yourself Lindsay,
ashleigh
life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.
I do feel like I want to die now. I've had enough of struggling through life, only getting minor relief once every two months when I can overdose. I think the only supported living in my area is for people who can't do daily living tasks on their own so I wouldn't be allowed a place there. I have plenty of professional support but it just doesn't seem to be helping. I don't know if i'm mostly obsessed with the care that comes from overdosing. It is one aspect of it but I also need the physical effects that come with taking overdoses. I want to feel disconnected from the world.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Why, Linds?
Things haven't always been this bad - how do you think you got here? And remember, if things haven't always been this bad, they don't have to stay this way either. Please. Hold on.
Things were only good before my Mum died. Ever since she has been gone I have wanted to die and the feeling keeps on getting stronger. I don't want to hold on any more. I'm tired.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Things were only good before my Mum died. Ever since she has been gone I have wanted to die and the feeling keeps on getting stronger. I don't want to hold on any more. I'm tired.
I can definitely relate to what you are saying here.
I dont have much else to say but am thinking of you.
I hope the men are able to kill my brother because I want out of here. I know that's really selfish though. Maybe I could kill myself before they get to him, that might be a better idea.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Linds, there's no way to make this better for your brother. It's going to tear him up in the same way you say the world was better before your mum died- imagine, him losing the last family member he has who chose to leave him. I know it's harsh Lindsay but please, this isn't just going to affect you.
I know you're tired, I understand. Things are so difficult for you now and it must be draining. I know your treatment team isn't being supportive as they are not sending you to hospital. I saw on your serious thread that someone suggested 911, I agree it is time for you to get the police involved if you're thinking of killing your brother or your self. They might be able to override what the psychiatrist has said.
Won't you please consider this?
I know things are tough now but please, please, hold on.
xxxx
