Graphic / Triggering - My story. Im so sorry. *SA, SH, SUICIDE, ED*

[*Fading_existence*]

I am sorry for taking up more space, but i have to do this.

I would like to say how sorry i am to all the people on here that pm/txt/msn with me and to all those who i dont know so well. I am truly sorry that i have been unable to give support to you through difficult times.

As many of you know, i was SA when i was a young girl and then went through years of physical and verbal bullying until the age of about 15/16. I lived through this feeling totally replulsed by myself and still do which is why i started cutting because when the bullying reduced so low it didnt have the same impact i needed something that needed to make me feel so disgusting and worthless as the bullies did that i turned to cutting. I also developed a binging problem from the age of 10 im now 21 and still struggle with it. I sometimes purge, sometimes i starve and sometimes i dont do anything afterwards. I hate who i am. I weigh so much double the amount of a normal person probably. I hate it. I try to cut the badness and fatness out of me. I feel dirty, vile, ugly, hideous, repulsive, fat, evil and despicable amongst many others. I then went off to uni and this totally shook my world. People didnt bully me, didnt hurt me. I was finally free. Then though people started abusing me in the street calling me names like fat, elephant, asking me why i was so big, had i eaten enough. I am now left with severe depression, paranoia and anxiety along with my sh and ed problems. So really i feel like im a mess. Something that cannot be fixed. My brother then moved home. Its hell. He hates me. He still treats me like im a worthless disgusting pig and all im good for is to use and abuse. My mum cant cope with him but you know how do i tell her how much he hurt me over the years -the threats not to tell about the sa? the hitting? the words? How i used to hide for hours just to avoid a beating from him or the cruel evil words. He always shouts at me. I still hide now and im 21. 21 and i have to hide because im scared of my brother and because my mum always goes on at me and tries to find out why im unhappy. Its a joke. Im a joke a joke that should be dead.

Yet things seem to be going well I am 2 weeks into a new job, booking driving lesson, seeing a guy i really care about and like. I was doing well on weight watchers. But this isnt making me happy im cutting more than ever and trying to make more suicide plans when i am rational enough to focus long enough. My binging problem is at an all time high and my mum has kind of sussed it out now. Im really scared about everything. If i dont pick up soon i dont know what ill do.

I just want to apoloise for saying this but i cant cope much longer and needed to get it out.

I also want to apologise from the bottom of my heart for not being there enough to support people like i should. I am truly sorry. I will try so hard to be here for you all more.

Look after yourselves xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[lower than myself]

Darling, don't worry about not being able to support others okay, the important thing is that you look after yourself!

Is there anyone outside your family you can talk too, friends from uni or your new fella, i mean,you don't have to tell them EVERYTHING but tell them what you feel they can handle etc?

PM me ifyou want to talk, i'm always here :)

Take care darling

xxxxx

[Miss-Dramatic]

That was very brave of you to share that. Im so sorry you have been through such a rough time xxx
Dont worry about not being there for ppl the most important thing is to get urself sorted first xx Im sorry i cnt offer much mur xxx

[*Fading_existence*]

Thank you, i cant talk to anyone. I've just turned it all inwards and bottled it up. I dont like talking im so selfish all i ever do is talk and ask for support.

The doctor and mental health team told me i have to stop cutting. Im so desperate to but on my terms not theirs. I have got my blades in a bag ready to throw out. But the thought of doing it tears me to bits and breaks my heart. I dont know if i can do it.

[lower than myself]

Darling, try not to worry to much about throwing your blades out. I would say 'it's not the most important thing in the world', but I'd be lying. All I'm going to say is, well done for preparing yourself, maybe talk to your friends about throwing them out & I'm sure your friends will be there to support you.


PM me if you need to talk, kay?

[Ingenue]

Oh sweetheart.
I don't have many words right now (sorry for being so useless) but i just want you to know that i really understand how you feel.
It's like when things finally go right, you feel like you should have automatically stopped cutting? or you should atleast do it less.
I don't know why it works that way, i wish i did. But i was exactly the same as you. I am the same as you.

On friday night i gave Dave all of my self harm stuff. All of it. I cried when i was in my room thinking about doing it, i cried my eyes out when i gave it to him. It's like i've lost a piece of me, y'know?
But the thing is i've realised, that piece of me was a piece i don't want anymore. I know it's going to be the hardest thing i've ever done, to live without her. But that piece is not worth it.

I can honestly say it's one of the hardest things i've ever done, but i promise you. It is worth it.

I love you.
Please try & stay safe beautiful.
Sorry for not being around as much<3
xxxxxxx

[*Fading_existence*]

Thank you, I have to do this. I have to chuck them out. I need to stop cutting. Im a mess. Im lethal with blades etc. So they only way to become safe is to get rid. I dont want to as i fear suicidal thoughts may rocket but i want to get better and i know that means i cant cut. I cant tell my friends either. I havent told them really how bad things have become. Im too scared so im just plodding along pretending to everyone that everything is fine apart from to myself where i know im falling apart and theres no one there to stop me.

[Kuwairo]

Faye, well done. I am so so glad you've posted, you deserve support. Don't worry about supporting others because a) you need to be your own priority and b) you actually support a lot more than you realise.
Do you think you can tell the psych that he needs to help you give up? He should know that you can't just stop without slip ups etc.
I don't know what else to say hun, except I'm damn lucky to have you as a friend and I'll always be here for when you're ready to talk a little.
<3 xxxx

[*Fading_existence*]

I threw my blades out about an hour ago now. All i want is them. All i think of is them. I need them, they mean so much to me but i just cannot live without them.

I dont support at all, and im failing miserably at my job. People say im not but they lie, they always do they never tell the truth.

No more talking to psycs or doctors must learn not to talk. Its better for me.

[Scabette]

I know it is scary, change always is. But you are being so brave, and talking to psychs and doctors is a good thing to do, please don't stop, you're making great progress, even if it doen't feel that way. Take care. x

[Kuwairo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Fading_existence*

I dont support at all

Rubbish. You've helped keep me alive.

As for cutting, I'm PMing you about it but you should be really very proud of yourself.

[*Fading_existence*]

Im a dirty evil vile disgusting whore. I can barely last 2 days. I hate myself so much. All i can do is look at the beautiful scars there until i get new blades.

[Kuwairo]

Don't buy new blades hun, it's not worth it. You can do this.
2 days is good, and it may seem small to you but it's an improvement and you should be proud.
You're none of the things you say you are.

[*Fading_existence*]

I am and tis true. Ill never be free of cutting. Im a joke. A pathetic joke, i can barely hold down my job, barely drive barely do anything. Im a weak pathetic waste of space and the sooner im dead the better.

[Kuwairo]

Wrong.
Never say never, because you can't tell the future, none of us can. It doesn't have to be that you'll be self harming, you can quit, you just need a helping hand that you're currently not getting. Can you ask the doctor to try a different approach to your counselling, like CBT or something?
Have work implied you're not doing well?
You've only had one lesson hun, give it time. You can't be expected to know a lot yet!
The last bit I don't know what to say. I just wish you could see what we see when we see you.

[*Fading_existence*]

No -you know why i cant talk anymore to professionals. Sorry to be rude but i just refuse outright.
No work havent but still tis bound to happen. Still early days yet. Im waiting.
I dont know what you see, one day when i can prove it you'll agree with me im sure. All i think about is the pretty scars and how they arent joined with new ones and the other thing.

[Kuwairo]

You're not being rude. I don't know what to say about the not talking because I'm the same. I just wish you could.
Maybe you're actually good at your job. They would have told you if they were concerned.

[*Fading_existence*]

No more talking, no more being honest about anything. I know i shouldnt lie but if i tell the truth then people will stop me doing things i want to do that make me happy.
No chance of that. Im such a crap person. I cannot do anything at all. I fail at everything. I am a Failure.
Its all im good for. Failing.

[Kuwairo]

Still talk to me? You know I can't make you do anything, and I wouldn't anyway.
And you've come out of uni, graduated and got a job nearly straight away. That's not failure.

[*Fading_existence*]

I am a failure. I wish you could see it. Im so f****** selfish all i ever do is ask for support on here and yet i cant give it. Always thinking of myself and never anyone else. Im vile and ugly inside and out.