there is a lot of stuff here, I can perfectly understand your confusion...
I too have vaginismus... though I am currently working on it and am able to have penetrative sex sometimes...
with abuse it is normal to blame yourself or even be unsure of what happened... an abuser will never admit to what they did and always find a way to turn it round to being your fault, or to make it seem as if you wanted it to happen.
you say that you rarely said "no", so you have any idea why this is? and what happened the times you did say "no"?
your resent disinterest in sex is probably due to your past. for some reason it sometimes like to manifest itself at random times like this...
does anyone know about what happened with your ex? do you have any support?
I can emphorcise greatly with what yuo are saying... I too was in an abusive relationship, and after which for a long time was unsure as to why and if it had happened... I decided that what happened wasn't wrong as I was dating him and so he had a right to do what he did... but that's wrong. if you don't want to do something you have the right to say no, and not to be forced nor talked into it.
this may not make much sense... heads a little all over right now... I will come back later and reply better
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