I'm sitting in my room at uni crying and I need to have someone hear what I'm saying, just to hear and sit with me and tell me that growing up doesn't need to be terrifying.
I'm just....stuck. I don't want to be at uni anymore, I want to be at home where someone else has responsibility for everything, where I'm safe, where I can just be. I want to be at home so my mum can look after me, I don't want to do it myself anymore, I'm tired of doing the right thing, doing the smart thing, being grown up. I'm tired of being the one who has to know the right thing to do for myself, for being the one to get myself up in the morning to go into uni and not having parents there to be the ones to do it. Not that when I was at home and school they had to force me in but...they were the ones to...I can't explain it. I tired of being the one who has to decide when I'm too ill to go, being the one to make the decision. I'm tired of being the one who sits in her room crying every so often because she just feels so alone and sad. I'm tired of hearing the people outside having fun and not going out to join them. I'm tired of being the outsider. I'm tired of being me. I'm tired of pretending I can do this course, that I'll be able to practise, that I'll be able to go out into the big wide world and leave all this behind. I'm tired of pretending that the course and uni will help me leave this me behind because it won't. I'll always be me, the one who can't drive in new places she doesn't know, who can't drive along roads she's never been down, who can't go into the same shop twice in one day when she's forgotten something because she's scared of what they'll think, who can't bring herself to go down and join people outside, who can't put herself outside her comfort zone, who doesn't want to do this course or the job it leads to but can't admit it to anyone.
Sorry. I'm just feeling so awful tonight and I'm all alone
