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Old 21-06-2007, 01:43 AM   #1
Scumbelina
 
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Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Why now? *need some input*

Why is there not a label for 'Rape'? I wasn't 'Sexually Abused' I was raped repeatedly for 5 years - almost every single day. Why should it be watered down by a cutesy, PC umbrella term?

It's all suddenly come up again. I thought I was 'over it' or at least 'dealing with it'. I'm having nightmares. Some **** at my voluntary work made a joke about incest & I cried - I NEVER cry.

I hate the fact that all I hear about is 'Big Brother', why did that not bother me in the first 7 series' but in the last 2 it has done? There's a new series called 'Brothers & Sisters' I'm dreading people talking about it - I'm that fragile.

Why am I remembering things I never have done before?

My counsellor I see for eating problems was talking about how your childhood affects your eating & I had to walk out. I burst into tears & told her everything & I'd only met her a few times.

I don't want to deal with it NOW, I've got too many other things to deal with now.

I'm actually starting to cry about it - I've never cried about it - why now?

It's screwing up my sex life - my mind wanders & all I can think about is 'Him'

I'm supposed to be spending a whole day talking to my CPN about next Friday - I don't know if I can let myself go with her - I don't know what it will un-earth - I'm scared she wont react in the way I want her too.
I want to talk to someone who has actually been through a similar experience. It seems no-body else in the world has been through what I've been through as bad as I've been through. Even the case studies I have read haven't come close describing the things that were done to me.

I'm so angry & bitter & revengeful. I dont think the Police did all they could - I'm pissed off at myself that I didn't remember everything I could've in the interview - I'm angry that I left it so long - I want to kick myself for not just letting go & sobbing to the idiot asking me the questions - why did he have to be a Man? & if I've spent so long trying to suppress everything so how the hell am I supposed to remember what I was wearing & what had he did what with?
And then there was 'what did his Penis look like question' - I chose my 'oh-so-tough' flipant reply of 'It looked like a Penis' - they obviously thought it was a big joke to me. I didn't even get the chance to show them my scarred arms & legs.
I went to the doctors for repeated cystitis when I was little - no-one bothered to investigate that did they? I gave them my diary which was covered in blood but apparently there 'wasn't enough evidence'.

Why didn't I say something sooner? I'm going to regret screwing up my chance of going to court forever.

I want him dead - I want my mother dead for knowing about it & not stopping it - she hasn't even bothered to contact me since the interviews.

I hate myself for being so normal about it. I find it weird that I have a healthy sex life when everyone else that was abused/raped seems to be struggling.

I hate myself for being so weak.


Last edited by Scumbelina : 21-06-2007 at 02:15 AM. Reason: to add something
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Old 21-06-2007, 07:19 AM   #2
helper1218
 
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*hugs you real close* You're not weak sweetheart. You are so brave to tell the police, you are doing the right thing. It's natural that you'd feel so hurt and scared and upset by all this--it's serious! And yes, things are watered down too much to the public because it's just "not pleasant" to hear. I'm sorry you're being put through so much, and you're remembering more things because now you are growing older and aren't in as much immediate danger. Things just bubble up sometimes and there's really no pinpointing why it happens. *more cuddles* You can get through this honey. And if you need to stop by the safe room, most people have been through some kind of hurt and we all work to give comforts and cheer you up a bit. Good luck with everything sweetheart.

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Old 21-06-2007, 02:37 PM   #3
bloodletting
wish someone cared enough to stop me....
 
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*hugs* i think you are remembering a lot more now because as above post mentioned you are in a safe place now, and i guess your mind is ready to remember, it might be useful to discuss these things that you are remembering with your counsellor.
and sweetie the fact that you told someone and made a statement is extremely brave, it would have been better if the abuse stopped sooner, but it would also have been ideal if it never happened in the first place.
it was nothing you did wrong hun. and you spoke up and told someone what was happening, be proud of yourself for that.
and i also understand what you mean when you say that cases you have read about dont seem as bad as what you went through, i feel that way about my past, but my past just like yours seems to horrible to tell.
hun there is nothing wrong with the fact that you have a healthy sex life, i think it's good that you can enjoy sex, and please dont feel bad just because some people who have been raped or abused cant enjoy it. so dont feel guilty about that.
if you need to talk PM me hun.
pls take care and sorry i couldnt be more help.
xoxoxox



Do not follow the common path.....go where there is no path and leave a trail.....


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Old 21-06-2007, 07:59 PM   #4
ghosts in the machine
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hey

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. It sounds horriffic. The police sound like bastards too.

This is a pointless post, I know, but I did read it and I do care. And the "watering down" of the labels.. I don't know about anyone else, but just that word.. rape.. can be a trigger if I'm not all there, if you see what I mean - I think it's to try to reduce that. I'm sorry that it feels as if we're just minimising your past; we're not.

*hugs*
sorry


Last edited by ghosts in the machine : 21-06-2007 at 11:37 PM. Reason: typos


For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen

For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other

~ We're marching on... ~


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Old 21-06-2007, 10:02 PM   #5
*keeley*
 
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ow darling im so sorry, i could have written some of that post myself. i dont really have much advise at the moment, but i wanted you to know i read. stay strong, things will get better, i promise you. eventually things will get easier,
im here if you ever need to talk
keep fighting
much love
xoxoxox

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