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Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - I can't take this anymore..
A little background on me. When I was 13 I was brutally raped by a guy friend of mine. He ran around school telling people we had sex and he became popular. While I was being called the town whore. So I really never had teenage years because this effected my life and I've been diagnosed with PTSD because of it.
Back in December, my fiance Ian's best friend of 7 years Roy became homeless, because his mom kicked him out. We took him in under the understanding that he'd pay rent and save to get his own place. In early January Ian wanted me to wear my 'gothic' clothes for him. So I had them on and Ian was in the shower. Roy and I were talking and he said "Your like a sister to me". & got up to give me a hug when he did so **may trigger** He held on to me tightly, and put his hands up my skirt and tried to finger me. I told him stop & I tried to push him away from me. Then he stopped and a little force and said I'm sorry, "You're really hot and you dressed like that turns me on." So he grabbed me again to give me a sorry hug, a hug that I did not want. And he started going down my shirt. So I started to stay in my room, cry, and have flashbacks and panic attacks. Because I was in my room all the time, Roy started to tell Ian that I'm mad at him and cause fights between Ian and I. I was scared to tell Ian because I'm ashamed and feel guilty about it. Sometimes I'd leave the bedroom go watch tv with him he'd come put his arm around me and feel me up. I told him to stop, and tried to get him to stop touching me. After he did I went to my room. Theres more things he did and I can't talk about them yet...
Roy also has a 2 year old daughter and he's always drunk and smoking weed so I told Ian at the end of January lets kick him out.. I didn't want to be in my house anymore. Roy cried and we let him stay and the sexual abuse went on. We just kicked him out Feb. 20th..
I don't know what to do, or how to recover. I haven't recovered from the first time I got raped. and now with this, I can't deal with it. I'm an emotional rack. I feel like self injuring but I'm going to be strong and not give in.
I need some support. I need something because right now I hate myself for letting this happen to me twice.
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