I'm starting to get anxious, I can feel my heart fluttering and the paranoia trying to poke it's bloody head out. I have this first counselling session tomorrow and I don't know what to do.
I've never done anything like this b4, always been a private person, concealment has been my lifeline for so long. What if I can't do it, what if I just break down in a gooey mess. I don't want to see eyes staring at me like some poor pathetic little thing. (cries)
I remember their eyes the most, the people I loved. How they would tell me they loved me , but their eyes, oh god their eyes were full of sadness and guilt and the wanting, wanting their baby back.
Fed up of deceit and lonely skies. Bring back the rainbows in my eyes.
I can understand where you are coming from. i am also a naturally private person, so it took a lot for me to start sharing things with my therapist and on this site.
The advantage of a counsellor over family is that the counsellor is trained in how to support people, and also is not emotionally attached to you-so you lose some of the eyes full of sadness and guilt.
And it's okay to cry in front of your counsellor. Really huni. They are used to it(and they usually have nice tissues!)
Babe, can you maybe print off this thread, or write something similar to show the counsellor. Tell her you are worried about opening up-she'll understand, and i promise you won't be the first.
*huggles* PM me if you want to.
Ruthie
"Has anyone seen my contact lens? It may be stuckto a tree or a rock or something. Oh boy, I am so grounded" Family Guy
if everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day that nobody died
I saw the counseller, it was weird.She believes that the amount of detail I describe is proof that its memories and not figments. That I am creating the insanity to block the intensity of the truth. Makes some sense really..(feels sad) kinda hollow. There's a remorse and loss all of a sudden. Not sure why. i had a spate of massive panic attacks the following day???
Good news is I've been offered 12mths therapy.. I'm feeling very small, very young, almost like I'm in the garden, so fixed on catching ladybirds that i havent noticed I'm muddy and damp. Can anyone explain this to me..i don't understand
Fed up of deceit and lonely skies. Bring back the rainbows in my eyes.
it's so good you have been offered that therapy.....i know survivors of abuse often feel much younger than they actually are, but other than that i don't know what you're describing could be....
"Has anyone seen my contact lens? It may be stuckto a tree or a rock or something. Oh boy, I am so grounded" Family Guy
if everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day that nobody died
She said that she believes i'm ready to talk to my family cos 'I've done so much work on myself already'.
Strange but I can remember putting lots of things in a safe deposit box, newspaper cuttings, paperwork, other stuff and locking it up till I was ready to open it up. Thing is I'm unsure whether this box is real or ' a box in my mind'.
How do you do it, how do you approach family with something like this? I've been a few words away from asking mum and then ...nothing wouldn't come out. I've faced so much already I don't know that I could take rejection or pity. And then theres the thing of how many of the family know, I have this awful feeling that I'm basically 'the last one to know'. God i'll just die.
All those birthdays and get togethers, with them looking at me and knowing and me not having a clue, **** **** ****. This is so shitty.
Pity, I don't want anyone's ****ing pity, or the awww poor thing. If they try that one on me, i'll walk out.
Fed up of deceit and lonely skies. Bring back the rainbows in my eyes.
Everyone tells their parents in different ways (those that choose to tell), you can sit down and just tell her, or write her a letter about it, or even print out this thread and 'accidently' leave it in a stratigic place to be found.
Maybe start with telling your mum and ask her to tell the rest of your family (if you want them to know)
and tell her that you don't want pity, just support (and a chocolate cake).
Many hugs
Ruth
"Has anyone seen my contact lens? It may be stuckto a tree or a rock or something. Oh boy, I am so grounded" Family Guy
if everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day that nobody died
Hi ruth,
Thanks honey, I really appreciate your replies, and I do so love chocolate cake.
I've tried to talk to my mum before about other sensitive things, and she just seems to shut off or purposefully changes the subject. I've become more insisent recently in getting her to answer even small unrelated stuff.
I'll do it one day I think i'll be ready when i'm ready. x
Fed up of deceit and lonely skies. Bring back the rainbows in my eyes.
when i told my mum i left a letter for her, so she would find it but i wouldnt be there, then went to school
worried so so much about her reaction, got home and it was fine! she was suportive about it
good luck hun
that is the most important thing. to do it in your own time so you do not put added pressure on yourself when you are not in a position to be able to cope with that pressure.
"Has anyone seen my contact lens? It may be stuckto a tree or a rock or something. Oh boy, I am so grounded" Family Guy
if everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day that nobody died
I'm not ready am I?
If I was then it would come easily. Why do I push myself so hard.
Am I still looking for that quick fix, I know there isn't one. I need to carry on working on myself don't I and stop worrying about other people and how it's going to make them feel.
**** **** **** , I feel I havent learnt a damn thing, I'm still doing the same routine. 'what about this person, that person.aawww crap.
Fed up of deceit and lonely skies. Bring back the rainbows in my eyes.
hi there,
just wanted to say, that you are probably right by saying you are not ready to tell your familt as if you were you would have done it by now, i too am just started with councelling a few weeks ago and like you i bottled it all up for years and never told a soul, if i had bee ready (which im still not) i would have done it, you need to be able to be comfortable first and not worry about other peoples reactions to what you will tell them, as long as you can cope with it all, they will see that and will be easier all round,
If you sre like me you probably someone who runs about doing things for everyone but yourself
i cant say no to people if i can do it then i will, we need to learn how to be happy with ourselves first.
pm me anytime.
