Will I ever be able to understand me?

[my_smile_is_fake]

So you would think after 10 years, I would be able to handle everything better. To be able to see when I'm struggling. To be able to say that I'm struggling. To be able to explain why I'm struggling. To be able to help myself get better. To be able to talk to those who are there to help.

But no. After over a year of no cutting, I cut again. And yes, its helped. My head is a little clearer. But it also wasn't enough. I need to cut more.

I don't know why things have got worse. I was doing grand. Then bam, I start feeling worse. Then go in for psychology and before she even gets the chance to ask anything I dissociate. Can't move. Can't talk. Can't explain whats going on. She manages to get me back to being able to walk and stand and walk. But days later and my head is still not back. I can't keep doing this. I'm not strong enough. I'm close to snapping. I don't want to do this any more.

"Call duty if you need help and you're still struggling". And say what? What can they do? I know you say that as you genuinely don't want me getting worse. But I really don't know how they can help. They don't know me. And over the phone what can they really say to make it better?

Please can I just stop trying?

[Pi.R^2]

Hey, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, it must feel exhausting to be back in a bad place when things were going better. Will you be seeing the psychologist again? I hope that over time it will prove helpful and make it easier to keep trying.

What sort of support have you got in terms of friends/family?

[nippden]

Sorry to hear that. I hope you are feeling better now. I hope you understand that sometimes, our feelings just creep up like that and bam! You feel a whole whirlwind of emotions. I was able to overcome my depressive episodes through writing. It's what gives me great comfort after a bad breakup. I simply just signed up to create a free website at a website builder which was hPage (https://www.hpage.com) and after some time, writing down my thoughts, my feelings, what I am going through, I realized I'm not alone. Just the people who interacted with me through my guestbook and their words comforted me. I did not even have to go through a psychologist just to talk because I've got my readers with me.