i hadn't self-harmed in years, i guess the last time would've been early 2013 maybe even late 2012. i hadn't even thought of cutting myself in a really long time, and even though i've dealt with a lot of mental health issues in the mean time, i hadn't resorted to cutting as a coping mechanism for so so long.
that is, until yesterday, out of nowhere, i couldn't get it off my mind and today, in a moment of desperation, i relapsed and cut myself a few times. i'm really surprised at myself and feel so guilty for turning back to my old habits. more than that, though, i feel guilty about how much it made me feel better in the moment and i'm afraid this won't be a one-time moment of weakness.
no one in my real life knows that i used to self-harm so i felt it best to dig up this old account and seek some support before this becomes what it was back when i was self-harming almost every day. has anyone else had a relapse after being sh free for a long time? what can i do to so i don't spiral into my old forms of self-destruction?
I haven't relapsed yet, and the last time I cut was probably 2013, but I have been super triggered lately and it's throwing me for a loop, so that's why I'm back here as well.
I've found what works the best for me is just to keep distracting myself throughout the day until I get too sleepy to do anything, and then start over again in the morning. Like, I'll get myself really involved in watching youtube, or pinterest, or FB, and then I'll have to cook meals, and then watch tv, and just keep telling myself "oh do this first, before you resort to self-harm," and then repeat that sequence.
The other thing I wanted to say was that a relapse isn't total defeat - it's amazing that you've gone this long without even thinking about cutting, and you should be really super proud of that, even though you've relapsed now. It's just a minor setback.
freedom is like religion to us
justice is juxtaposition in us...
we sing,
our music is the cuts
that we bleed through...
-common-
I'm in a similar position I think, in that I am mostly SI free, and have been for about four years. Until about 2 and a half years ago I was completely SI free, and then I relapsed, in a very minor way and since then, every six months or so I have SI'd in a very minor way. Each time I do it, I get a real sense of relief, I enjoy the feeling and I have to try really hard to not let it escalate. Then, a day later, I feel frustrated, and all the negative feelings associated with it come back. The strange thing is that I never even feel particularly bad, not compared to how I used to feel several years ago. I think, rightly or wrongly, I have just accepted that having SI'd for a really long time, these urges and slip ups will be part of my life and I have to deal with them.
I don't know if there's anything I can say that will be useful to you because I haven't solved this for myself, but I just try to focus on moving on. When the regret sets in, I make sure I do some exercise, and then spend some time on my own reading, watching tv, because I know those things make me feel better.
Be kind to yourself, reflect on how far you've come, and remember that this slip up doesn't need to define you, or what happens in the future.
People who slip-up and don't crucify themselves over it move forward again. People who get upset and hate themselves and wring their hands can have a harder time. This is known as the..
