Triggering (SI/OD) - Scared && secrets

[{[holding on]}]

I'm sorry for writing this but i don't know what to do
This week has gone kinda bad i got dumped by my bf, my friend fell out with me, my parents called me spoilt, i cut, i took an overdose (not many cause my mums hid them all so just what i could find).
But i get shouted at when i'm down for being a 'moody teenager' but i just want to show how i feel i'm tired of pretending all the time. Fed up of ppl asking why i'm down telling me i'm never down, ppl telling me i'm always smiling.
I'm on 5-HTP but it seems to of stopped working after 4 months i'm getting anxious all the time again and crying everyday . I see me psychiatrist on tuesday (see her evry 2 weeks because i'm 'stronger' now so dont need to see her every week) but can't tell her bout the OD cause then she'll have to tell my mum then i'll have to have another blood test to check my liver. I only had a head ache the next day and a pain above my stomach i'll be fine.
Sorry i ranted on too much it's just i feel alone and scared it's like everyone is out to get me and i hurt soo bad inside it eats away at me ! I know i ranted on randomly but if anyone has any advice i would be so grateful i'm just so lost.
Grace x

[Stellata]

Feeling rejected and being misunderstood and your feelings not acknowledged can be very painful.

It takes time, but learning how to say how you feel rather than show can really help you feel safer and more secure in yourself.
Can you describe a bit more about how feeling down is for you? How does it effect you? You say you cry every day, and are feeling constantly anxious. How is this for you? When do you cry? How do you feel? What makes you feel anxious?
Clearly because you see a psychiatrist and are taking a supplement to help you manage your depression, what you are struggling with is rather more than moodiness and changeability due to your age and hormones and so forth.
I know it's hard to tell your psychiatrist, because of the consequences. But I would say that that's preferable to living with the secret and it building up more and more pressure inside and causing your constant fear and anxiety.

I understand feeling alone and scared and feeling like everyone is out to get you. That's partly a result of depression. And you are safe here, you can tall to us.

[{[holding on]}]

Thank you for replying realy realy grateful!
When i'm down i seem to shut down i dont wana talk to anyone and i dont like people near me because i'm scared i'll upset them by being down and i jst wanna sit and cry alone in the dark. Anything can make me anxious going out with friends incase they tlk about me behind my back, going to new places, going to school. Its like i can't keep up with time days just pass me by and everything is so quick.
I am really ranting on today =/ sorry !
Thanks again

[MrsNutkin]

I think, but I'm not sure that 5 - HTP is St Johs wort. If you feel like you aren't coping seeing your Pschiatrist every two weeks maybe mention something about this to her and she may see you weekly. Does she just give you your meds or is talking therapy involved?

[{[holding on]}]

she jst tlks to me bout how i'm coping then i see my psychologist and am having CBT but i'm not on any meds other than herbal cus my parents didnt want me on them!
Thanks to evryone who has replied appreciate it lots xx