This is a second account and I would like to remain anonymous, at least on the public boards. I am pretty sure that is allowed but if not someone please correct me? I do not want to break rules. I would rather this not be on my regular account for multiple reasons. If you figure out who this is please just contact me privately if you wish or if you have an issue. I will delete this if it breaks rules.
I think I have a plan to kill myself. Well. Think might not be the best word. I am unsure what is the best word. I am afraid to tell the couple of online friends that I have because I do not want them to be concerned and I am afraid that would make it more real. There is not really anyone that lives in any distance of me to tell who would not freak out. I do not want to tell anyone. I do not want it ruined and alternatively I do not want to fuck it up and have to explain. I do not really have any form of professional support that I trust enough to tell. Especially not any that would end in any way other than hospital. Which I do not want.
I am unsure what I am asking. This scares me that I also want to be secretive with it. Is that normal? Though I guess there is something to the fact that I might be recognised on here? I felt like I had to say something somewhere and I did not know where else to go with it. Even just some hugs or acknowledgment would be super appreciated?
Gosh, this sounds so scary. Suicide is a very scary thing, I'm really glad you've reached out here to explore what your thoughts are behind this and those feelings too. You must be in a really intense place carrying this around.
Would it be helpful for you to discuss what is triggering these thoughts?
And is there anything you feel is holding you to life at the moment?
I have been here before and kept it secret and it's scary. Remember that just because you have the thoughts you don't have to act on them. This is a safe place for you. Please keep talking with us x
I completely agree with what's been said above. Suicide is incredibly frightening and feeling like this is a very lonely feeling, but can you find any reasons why you might not want to go through with this? Are there family, friends, maybe even pets who love you and perhaps rely on you and who care for you? Can you imagine how they might feel if you did succeed in killing yourself and you hadn't reached out to them for help? I'm not trying to guilt-trip you but I know the effect my very serious suicide attempt had on my family and it was horrendous to see.
Please keep reaching out to us. Doing so anonymously is fine if you feel more comfortable with it that way. But there is hope; there is always hope that things can and will improve. I have felt like you feel now and I have found that hope.
If you feel able to talk more about why you are feeling this way then please do so. We are here to help you and listen to you and to provide hugs.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
I don't like this because my mind is racing and praying you're not someone I know who I would want to come to me or your friends and speak :(. I wish you had someone you felt you could go to and benefit from letting it out.
The above posts have covered mostly what I was thinking/going to say.
You're here right now for a reason, you've wanted to get through because if not you wouldn't be going to the extremes of still trying to ask for some help on an internet forum where you may or may not be noticed.
That means you have some hope otherwise it wouldn't have crossed your mind to do anything other than completely isolate and do something really awful.
I am reluctant to say much in detail, as I do not want to give away my identity.
I do have a pet but she is not at home currently, which makes me feel like it is a good time to do it. I do not want her there for it. I have not told anyone. I told her goodbye this morning. It hurt. I am terrified it is not going to work and I am terrified of doing it.
huprol, I have no idea who you are and have never seen you before. So rest assured that I am not someone you know.
The fact that you are terrified of doing it is a good thing. Trying to kill myself was the most frightening thing I have EVER done (and I've been skydiving!) and at the time I really felt like I had no other choice at all and that it would be best for everyone but yes, it HURTS saying goodbye. Feel that hurt. Try and feel the pain that those who love you and care about you will feel. I have been where you are, I have, and I am so so incredibly grateful that I did not succeed and that I am still alive to spend time with my family and my dog. Think of your pet. She needs you. Dogs need their owners and you need her. If you really feel completely unable to reach out to somebody in real life could you go and get her and just have some cuddles with her? Just for now maybe, while you feel so unsafe. It sounds to me like you are not 100% sure and you are scared and this is normal and good.
If you want to PM me you can. I am pretty sure I know who you are and it's okay - don't panic, I won't say anything, I just want to try and help you. I know how this feels. I also know it can and will get better. Give yourself a chance. Please talk.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
It sounds like you might be planning to attempt suicide today?
Hold on to that fear, it is there for a reason and if you're terrified it's going to work part of you is still connected to life. We need to give that part a voice, and a chance to get through this.
I'm really, really worried about you.
I know you say you don't want to talk to any of your professionals and you're afraid of hospital, but on the off chance you did end up there it wouldn't be permanent. Suicide is permanent. It means never seeing your dog again, or friends, or family. It means we'd never get to speak to you again and we don't want to lose you.
As I say, the fear is there for a reason. It knows this is huge and you need support right now. It knows this is too much to carry by yourself.
Also, mikeys reply is amazing and I do agree picking your dog up might be comforting right now.
I'm really worried too. What Snow White said was spot on.
I don't know what to say to make you see that this is not the only nor best option but I don't have the words.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
I'm worried. Please let us know how things are. I promise things get better even though I understand you won't believe me right now.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
I am really sorry. That was me. I'm an idiot. I've been ip since Monday and just got out. Not eaten or slept since Sunday. My friend is here to take me to get my dog and I am going to shower and sleep.
I am so sorry for worrying people.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I'm so so glad you're safe Carmen, I was ridiculously worried. How are you feeling now (other than tired and hungry!)?
Thinking of you and Reuben sends cuddles and licks, as always.
I'm so relieved you are alright.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
i just got home with the dog and ate a sandwich. i am going to shower and go to sleep. i am frustrated and nothing has really changed because i am an idiot and lied to the people at hospital about it and my friend told them i was lying but the social worker and doctor this morning believed me so they let me go. i am supposed to see the one psychiatrist person again tomorrow and i was told that was pretty much why they were okay with discharging me even though i was involuntary.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Maybe you can use your appointment tomorrow to be honest? It's for your benefit that you tell the truth. I hate the thought of anyone feeling as desperate as you did and things can get better but you have to talk and tell the truth. Please try your best (sorry if that sounds patronising, I don't mean it to be at all, I just know how hard it is but nobody can do better than their best). Sometimes unfortunately it takes something really frightening like this to make us realise we do need and deserve help.
I hope you manage to get some sleep and plenty cuddles with your dog. Let us know how you get on tomorrow xx
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Hi Carmen. I saw your reply in the other thread, but had seen this thread too & thought it was you so I'll reply here. I know the last thing you wanted was to be IP but I am glad if it kept you safe. I think Ange is right and although it's really hard, you need to try to be honest with whoever is involved with supporting you at the minute and take full advantage of the chance to get help.
I do not really trust the psychiatrist person and I have no desire to go back to hospital. It took them an entire day to figure out that I had not eaten anything because nobody ever told me the meal policy, and they had nothing available that I could actually eat. Which took saying something to multiple nurses (day nurse yesterday, night nurse, and day nurse today) and a social worker before they put in for a special menu. Then it took me explaining again to multiple nurses and the social worker that I cannot sleep with another person in a room and I actually asked if there was a way to not have a roommate multiple times and was told no. Apparently it was something they could have done and I could have at least been able to use a bathroom and attempt sleep. I literally did not use the bathroom for 24 hours because they did not have doors and there was another person in the room for the entire time except for like a two to three hour chunk. Plus I refused to take off my binder, underwear, and leggings and refused the full body check and tried to explain why and the psychiatrist did not understand any of what I said. The psychiatrist today was better. She realised I was not just saying that hospital is not helpful, and that there were legitimate reasons why I was not able to eat, sleep, etc. there. She even said "This is not helpful for you. We need to get you home and stop torturing you." Which, if I had been able to see a psychiatrist within a reasonable amount of time of getting there could have been sorted even yesterday morning.
It was horrible. Legally they have up to 24 hours to have a psychiatrist see you and assess you, and he literally waited 23.5 hours. He even told me when I complained that it was still 20 minutes until it had been 24 hours so he still had time, even though I had been asking to see a doctor since 7am, which is when the social worker came to see me yesterday. The social worker even said yesterday she wanted to discharge me. Then they tried to argue that I did not get onto the ward until 3am Tuesday morning, and had not originally planned on even assessing me until Wednesday, but I pointed out multiple times I was there for the end of visiting hours on Monday and night meds, all of which happened around 8pm.
The entire thing was so extremely frustrating, and when I finally got to talk to them today they were super understanding and made sure to have someone come and find a couple of things I could eat and get them special, and were even going to switch my room if I had stayed. But it should not have taken me being there Monday evening until Tuesday afternoon to sort any of that. Plus I was awake both nights and multiple times I watched them sign off that they had done 15 minute checks without even getting up. I understand people are in bed sleeping but it still seemed negligent to me. Obviously I did not say anything, and I get they are busy in theory, but when I can hear their conversation all the way down the hall and it is literally they are listening to music and chatting, and then they tell me they are too busy and to stop bothering them, something is not okay. Everyone else there said it was better than the other psych ward that exists here which is probably true, but that does not make it good.
So, I doubt I will be honest. I emailed medical doctor but I think because it is not a medical thing I do not need to see her and she says to see the psychiatrist. I would rather talk to medical doctor since I trust her more.
S from school I think wants me to try talking to her therapist. I am unsure. I told them there never was actually a plan and the entire thing was a miscommunication. Which yes there was miscommunication but my plan is ruined and I am so angry about it. I understand S did what she thought was right and that she was concerned. But that does not mean it was the right thing to do. I do not even know who to trust because now it feels like the only one is Justin. I told the social worker to call him, and he said that once he explained I talk about being dead all the time (which I also explained) and that does not mean I was suicidal, then they were fine with letting me go.
It seems like there is nobody to trust.
Last edited by Auror. : 22-10-2015 at 04:18 AM.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Carmen it is such a relief to see you. I've just read about your experience and I have had similar ones with long waits for assessments and it truly is frustrating. I am confused by your last paragraph here though where you say just because you talk about death you are not suicidal. Your first post here under the other account tells me you were wanting to die. Has that changed?
I've been thinking of you so much, I'm sorry my reply is so inadequate compared to what you're going through. We are here for you xx
