So it has officially been a decade since I first started cutting. I never thought it'd come to this. I assumed that by my mid-twenties I'd be fine, and that my depression would be a distant memory. I've actually given up thinking that I'll ever be okay now.
Honestly, I feel like there's something wrong with me inside. Like something isn't wired correctly. I've been on various medications and seen therapists and all sorts of things for years now. It isn't like I'm just wallowing in self pity, I've genuinely tried to get better. I'm just broken. I don't work properly. Like a toy that's faulty or something.
Please tell me I'm not alone in this. Please tell me there's at least someone out there who feels this way, and tell me it will get better eventually. Maybe another ten years, but please tell me that one day there'll be a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so scared.
[&]~I don't want to be perfect; just alright...~[&]
I didn't self harm for as long as you have, but I can relate to feeling like you'll never be OK!
I went through a load of different anti-depressants and had a lot of failed attempts at counselling and treatment before things started to improve for me. It took a lot of effort on my part, and the good fortune of finding really fantastic friends (and my girlfriend), but I did get there in the end and I honestly feel like a completely different person!
In what way do you feel like you're broken? Are you under a mental health team at the moment? I know it feels like such a pointless exercise at this stage, but I would urge you to keep trying- try another medication, try another type of therapy, try making different changes in your life until you find the combination that really works for you.
So it has officially been a decade since I first started cutting. I never thought it'd come to this. I assumed that by my mid-twenties I'd be fine, and that my depression would be a distant memory. I've actually given up thinking that I'll ever be okay now.
Honestly, I feel like there's something wrong with me inside. Like something isn't wired correctly. I've been on various medications and seen therapists and all sorts of things for years now. It isn't like I'm just wallowing in self pity, I've genuinely tried to get better. I'm just broken. I don't work properly. Like a toy that's faulty or something.
Please tell me I'm not alone in this. Please tell me there's at least someone out there who feels this way, and tell me it will get better eventually. Maybe another ten years, but please tell me that one day there'll be a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so scared.
Hey, I have been harming myself for over ten years now. The hard thing for me is that now its become just something I do. I also have been through meds and treatment centers and am in therapy but I have never really stopped for a length of time. I know how it feels to just sort of give up trying. I have been starting to think now that the behavior is more part of me than something I do. Also another thing for me is I am not going through deep depression anymore and my life in general is great. But yet its a behavior that I can't stop. So I hope this helps in you not feeling alone because you really are not.
Hi
You are not alone. I do know how you feel, and yes there is light at the end of the tunnel. It can be a very long, hard fight, but you will make it, trust me, you will see the light when you come out of that dark tunnel.
Best Wishes
From Michael
I hit the decade mark several years ago and also felt like it was way too long to be doing this. I thought I was better when I was pregnant and then nursing my first born...then when she weaned all of those feelings and urges I thought I had outgrown came back. That being said, although the feelings are still there it is easier to resist it. I just think after so many years coping this way, it perhaps may be even harder to change those thought patterns. I hope this helped you to feel less alone in your thoughts.
I have only been self-harming for a year so I cant say from experience but I will say, keep trying because the darker and longer the tunnel is, the brighter the light is at the end. Hope this helps.
A life without hardships is like a paved road, easy to walk but no flowers grow there.
Maybe.. we are all just angels fallen from heaven, and some of us just miss our home.
I self harmed for 12 years before getting to a place where I didn't do it any more. In that time I had 2 years worth of hospital admissions, many different psychiatrists, various medications and therapies. For a long while it felt like I'd never get better, but it did. I think it took a while for me to find the right combination of meds, psychiatrist and therapy. Also it took me quite a while to really be 100% ready to recover.
Please don't despair, things will get better for you. Keep going.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I hit the decade mark next year for cutting, though I've been self-harming since I was very young. I've been in and out of institutions several dozen times since I was 19 (am 24 now) and have needed two surgeries to fix damage done to myself. I've kept count of how many stitches/staples I've needed and it's more than I thought any one person could get.
I'm no where near "all better." I hide in my bed and avoid my readings for school. I get snippy with my mom. I eat way too much junk food. But the thing is, I hide in my bed for a couple hours or a day instead of for days on end or weeks at a time. I get snippy with my mom, realize it, and try to act differently. I eat healthy stuff *as well* as the junk food, and eat the junk food slightly less often.
Everyone says "things could always be worse" and that "it'll get better". I feel like that's a little invalidating. I'm not going to tell you those things. I'm going to tell you that you're on your path. You're getting better every day and for some people it just takes longer. A decade is a long time when you think of where you've been, but if you think of where you have left to go... At least for me it starts to look a little less overwhelming.
You're not alone. You're never alone.
It's the children the world almost breaks that grow up to save it.
-Frank Warren
i passed the 10 year mark 3 years ago. so im at 13 years now.... almost exactly half my life. whoa--- that is sad.
The thing is though i have learnt that self harm has kept me alive when ive wanted to be dead so i am thankful for that... i may be scarred and still working on stopping but i am alive and still fighting.
keep fighting, keep holding on.
and to those who had replied and are in a similar boat to me- id love to hear from you so please send me a pm. i would appreciate the support.
The BRAVEST thing
I ever did was CONTINUING MY LIFE when I wanted to die.
I've also recently reached the 10 year mark...I've had 2 years of DBT, and I'm in it tll December. DBT is meant to make you stop, and there was a time i was free from it for 4 months. I often feel like I'm a failure and I've tried to stop. I've thrown everything out, tried to change my way of thinking, used so many different alternatives but often the urge is too much.
I don't want this to be my life anymore. i don't want to self-harm. But I'm struggling to be able to stop.
Sorry to bump this thread, I have a question for all of you who have reached a decade-ish.
Are you scared, or were you scared, to give up self-harm? I don't mean a little scared every now and again, but like utterly terrified by the notion of it? I'm so scared of getting better. My psychologist brought up getting a job today and my solution to that was to hurt myself so badly that I *couldn't* work for a while longer.
I just dropped out of school (for the third time) because I decided I'm not cut out for the profession I was looking at. I don't want to be sad for the rest of my life. Thankfully I figured this out a month in.
Except now I feel like I'm floating. And my solution is to hurt myself.
That's always my solution. Hurt yourself and you'll be better. Except if I've learnt anything in 9.5years it's that self-harming *doesn't fix anything*.
So how do you get better? How do you accept *being* better when sickness is all you've ever known? When every time in the past that things have looked up they've crashed and now when things looks up its scary.
I just don't know how to move forward. Any advice?
It's the children the world almost breaks that grow up to save it.
-Frank Warren
