I don't normally post in here... but I have to get it out... I am sitting at home on my own and I literally have no one to talk to. no one.
Downhill over the last 6 months... it's constant, constantly triggered, first trying to ease the thoughts with a slip up every 6 weeks, each month, two weeks... just something tiny... something I can hide... but in truth I can't hide it, and it doesn't satisfy, it doesn't match up to what is in my head going around and around...
I feel fat again... put on a couple of pounds and it feels huge, I feel slow, tired, I'm binging and comfort eating again.. its out of control, I'm disgusting... no one can see... It's ok, I need my food... but it fuels the self hate, so.much.hate.
I'm recovered right, I don't do this s**t anymore... let me jump off the edge back down into that dark cavity... its safer there than trying to continue as normal...
I want a drink right now... but I can't as I have to go pick my husband up from the station later... I love him so much but feel so distant.. hiding... I don't want to talk to him... I don't want him to see the new marks, I know its only a matter of time. (He is the only thing stopping me right now).
I am trying to help myself... I am meeting a lady in three weeks who might be able to help me... so far out of my comfort zone, a real life person who I am going to have a real conversation with... three weeks feels like a lifetime...
Gah... I just need a way to shut up these thoughts, escape... take me away to a beach somewhere... let me be in the sun... I need to relax.
Sorry.
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
Well hello,
I am a bit of a wallflower here but your post speaks to me and I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.
I know the overwhelming feeling of not having anyone to talk to and similarly to your situation my husband is completely clueless when it comes to SH. Years ago I tried to talk to him about it and basically what came out of it was the offer to take me to the hospital if needed and telling me it is stupid. It's just one of those things that is hard for some people to get, and it doesn't mean that they love any less, it's just hard.
It seems redundant to say that the little slip ups won't quiet the yearning for more. I don't know, I think some of us have just been at this so long it's cliche to say things like that... so I am not really going to address that.
I think it is exciting and awesome that you are seeking help. That is such a positive step and although it may be out of your comfort zone it is a step in the right direction. Focus on that. Go outside, get some sunshine, take a walk. I'm sending some hugs your way (another cliche i know) but please know that you are not alone in these feelings.
I just want to add it is cliche for ME to comment on the slip ups. I just reread my response and realized it could be taken the wrong way in which case I come off like a douche nozzle. :)
I kept thinking it was the thoughts of SH I couldn't deal with, that's not true, the thoughts are comforting, calming, release... It's the anxiety about not SHing that drives you mad, why do you conform (don't conform)... it's knowing you have to deal with the depression, just endlessness...(sorry gone off into a conversation with myself) I am really ok... This is ok... I can be happy again, control it... I'm talking to myself, the weather is so depressing, I need to be busy, need to be outside, please stop raining...
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
Disclaimer: Nat and I talk most days and are friends. So before someone reads this and gets angry then don't worry
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
thank you so much 
