Graphic - Alcohol self harm trigger

[spiders*web]

Why is it, that when I have 1 or 2 drinks, I want to start cutting myself up?

I know many will have an answer to this, and I'm not stupid, I know alcohol is a depressant. It also lowers inhibitions so it makes you do what you might not sober.

The question I have is surrounding the fact that 99.9% of the time I would not dream of hurting myself. I used to, and badly. I still get very low periods but it doesn't cause me to hurt myself.

The urge isn't a depressed one. It doesn't feel how it used to feel, like I'm so low, it's so painful mentally I want a physical pain to mask it. It's not like that.

It's not even a depressed feeling. It's like, a manic one. I feel like I want to jump out of a window to fly. But I'm not insane, I know I can't. So I want to channel this overwhelming energy and hurt myself. After one drink.

I am not aware of any underlying feeling on a day to day basis, when sober, of wanting to hurt myself at all. A tiny drop of alcohol, it's like cutting the reins. It makes me question who I am before I had a drink.

I don't like to think that there is a subconscious me, always ready to cut myself, below the conscious me and it just takes one drink for the former to take over the latter. I really don't like that idea, it's almost like I have a whole other identity and personality lying in wait. It's strange, feels weird and I don't like it. I just wondered if anyone else had similar feelings and had a theory about it xx

[Pi.R^2]

Alcohol has lots of strange effects on mood and impulses and that doesn't mean that you have a whole other personality underneath, it just means that alcohol makes people want to do unwise things.

It sounds like it's safer for you to not drink- is that an option for you?

[Red Squirrel]

It's true alcohol is a depressant but what's meant by that is that it's a central nervous system depressant (it slows down/turns off parts of the CNS hence slurring etc.) not that it makes you feel depressed. At low doses the stimulant effect is more apparent and it's for that most people drink alcohol although the two effects do actually work together e.g. inhibition of the prefontal cortex dulls decision making and release of dopamine makes you feel good.

It sounds like you are overstimulated. You don't know how to handle the effects, you've just put yourself in an extreme mood state and you need to regain control. A history of SI/SH gives you a way to return to baseline and the effects of alcohol make the impulse a lot stronger.

What setting do you drink in? (E.g. in a pub with friends, family, with a meal, in a club, alone) Social factors can impact on how it makes you feel, if you feel pressured or anxious then you're likely to find yourself in that "manic", panicky drunk state.

If you feel like that after one drink then avoiding alcohol is probably the best plan. If you want to learn to enjoy a couple of drinks then you need to set yourself up in a relaxed social situation where you can have a couple of drinks (with a meal let's say) and then go and do something relaxing and fun after (e.g. watch a good film or play a game). It would also be a good idea to have someone who's aware of how you feel so if you're overwhelmed you can take a time out and talk to them.

Don't know if that was helpful or made sense but I've done a fair amount of drinking and I know exactly what you mean with that feeling.

[spiders*web]

Wow, that made perfect sense thank you. Thank you both for your replies. Yes I shouldn't drink much or often, that was all I drank this week and it was on my own. I tend not to get too bad if I'm having dinner with the family for example. It's difficult to not drink but getting there slowly xx

[Aardbei]

I just wanted to let you know I'm the same when I drink - I've been self harm free for years and I know I'd never do it again sober, but as soon as I'm drunk it's all I can think about. For me I know it is just a loss of inhibitions that causes my subconscious urges to surface.

I don't think about it as a different personality hiding though, I try to keep it more biological. Any addiction stays with you no matter how long you've been free - for example, my Mum still craves cigarettes and she's been a non-smoker for nearly 30 years. I understand it by reasoning that once your brain has sort of hard-wired that addictive connection, it's hard to lose and even if the addiction isn't a vice for you anymore, it still surfaces when your defences are down (ie when drunk).

I hope this was helpful x