I had a really hard conversation with my best friend today, and I don't think it went well. I wanted to continue but she decided she wanted space from it. I would be grateful if you guys could read the conversation and tell me honestly whether I'm a huge dick. It was an internet conversation by the way which is why I have it word for word.
Me: Hey chick - I really need to express some stuff to you and I hope you're ok with that. Everything that is going on in my mind right now I would usually keep to myself, and I hope you know it's a testament to how important you are to me that I have to tell you this, and I'm truly sorry if it makes you hurt or angry or anything in between.
When I told you I was not well, and you wanted to call me, and the first thin you asked was when I last had a drink, it made me feel I can't talk to you when I don't feel well. If I always demanded something from you, told you I needed help, only when I got drunk, and this was a drain on your own sense of well-being, I would understand. But I don't.
I know that drinking isn't always the healthy thing - but you've done it too. That you can no say you've stopped and things are so much better, good for you. I love you and I'm glad you've found a coping mechanism to help. But that doesn't help me.
I'm not ill because I drink. Any suggestion this is the case undermines everything I've been through for the past 17 years. Sometimes when I get ill, I drink to cope. That is my choice. My burden. It is not a burden I ask anyone else to bear.
I usually isolate myself when I do so for the very reason I know it's not socially acceptable. I rarely reach out to say 'I'm not ok'. And that response - when did you last have a drink - shuts me down. It undermines my mental illness. It undermines the fact I am ill. It undermines everything I do to help myself on a daily basis to cope, to get through, to keep going.
I know that's not the effect you were seeking. I know you love me and just want to help. But that's the effect it has.
So please, next time I do ever say 'I'm not ok'. Don't question how I'm taking care of myself. Because the fact I only ever say 'I'm not ok' rarely shows I am working hard at self care, because I am not ok by default, it takes work.
And if you really want to know, yes it did take a beer and 2 double vodkas for me to write this. If that's not ok, well I guess I'm ok with that.
Her: It was never my intention to hurt your feelings. All I've ever wanted is to help and support you.
Me: I know that. And that's why this is so hard to say. Because some things just don't help, and I have to make some things clear. I hope you can forgive me for that, and I hope at some point you might understand what I'm trying to say to you
Her: I do, and I hope in turn you will understand what I've said to you.
Me: I understand that the advice you gave me was intended to give me a tool to make myself better, because it has worked for you. If I have understood that wrong, please tell me. My response is as said, it makes me feel like everything I actually do to keep myself well is for nothing, that I would be ok if only I didn't drink. There is a lot more to my life than a few glasses of wine. Like I said, if every time I had a drink I came running to you saying the world is falling apart, I would understand you wanting me to cut down. But I don't. This is a personal decision and a personal thing. If you feel it has made me ill, and thereby turn to you for some help and support, then I won't as long as I continue to drink.
Her: No that's never crossed my mind once. I've never thought your illness was down to drink. Sorry if you thought I thought that.
Me:I'm saying what you said made me feel that. I'm trying to express how I feel openly and honestly. Please do the same because I really don't want something else to hate myself for right now. If I was wrong to be open I'm sorry. But you're family to me, if something doesn't feel right, I'll say it.
Can I call you?
Her: Ok that's fine. Don't worry, I'm not angry or anything. I'm just out at the moment but I'll speak to you later
To be honest it does sound like she is busy at the moment and will talk to you about it in depth when she is next free. Unless I am completely missing something here I can't see where she is taking a step back and not wanting to listen to you or help you.
You are likely not missing the point at all. It will be me, overreacting. Thank you for taking the time to read and give your opinion, I really appreciate that x
It sounds to me that she was trying to take your view point on board but didn't have the time discuss the matter fully.
It can be hard when you build yourself up to confront someone about how they have made you feel and them to not have the time to give you a full reply. I think you should try to take some positives out of this conversation. It is incredibly brave of you to say "when you say X you make me feel Y" be proud of yourself. Could you arrange a time to meet your friend in person and have a good talk and a catch up? It might help to discuss what would be useful for her to say and do when you call saying things aren't ok at the moment (and vice versa if she calls you).
No worries, it was obviously a difficult conversation for you to star, I can totally understand the way you feel to how she responded. I hope you both manage to talk about it properly soon x
Honestly, you guys, the rational way you are approaching this is so helpful. I've been spiralling off a deep end and every engagement I have with anyone has seemed the end of the world. I'm going to try and recognise this as a symptom of my illness and just surround myself with warm soft pillows and stay safe until she has the time to come back to me. Thank you x
Well it seems like she does care but maybe was busy at that point? At least that's my guess, I wouldn't think too hard about it and be too hard on yourself, at least you were honest with her about how she makes you feel at times and that's really hard to do usually, at least it is for me. Maybe try to contact her another day and continue the conversation but until then I wouldn't worry too much about it honestly
♪"'Cause I'm about to break down,
I'm searchin' for a way out,
I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm a non-believer
I'm a popular, popular monster"♪
Thank you. She's come back to me to reiterate she's not angry and she'll keep what I've said in mind for future. And then tried to change the subject which I've gratefully gone along with. But of course personally and secretly I've decided I've ruined our friendship forever and I should just not engage with others because I'm poison. I realise that this is my problem and no-one else's. Which somehow doesn't make it easier. Thank you for your comments though, it took time and effort and I really appreciate that x
It could be that she still needs to take in what you've said. Plus if she had similar issues it could have brought things up with her that she wasn't expecting. I'd advise giving ger space for a few days then maybe asking to meet up with her to help deal with the issue.
Please don't beat yourself up about this, you are not poison at all.
I've told my partner of 9 years I don't trust him. I have felt this for 1-2 years now. He spends weekends away - he says he's going to his parents or spending time with his brother. I have no reason to think he isn't, but he's so private I have nothing to say he is. He could be doing anything and the fact after 9 years I don't trust him must say something. He text me at 5pm asking if things were ok. I text back 2 minutes later saying things aren't great, how was he. He doesn't text back at all. I try calling a couple of hours later and it rings out. I try calling again and the phone is off. I don't know what he's doing but I think he's lying to me, and I told him so. I don't have a reply yet, but I want him to come back and pack his things. But I'm terrified of that also. For the record, I don't usually say how I feel. I usually hide it. These fears, I push them down because I've convinced myself I'm crazy. When I confront him he encourages the idea that I'm delusional. I'm starting to thing it's not just me. But maybe it is. In which case I shouldn't have anyone near me. I don't know what to do. All I know is I'm very angry because I think if I text my partner to say how things are, I would actually care about the answer. And if they text back within 5 minutes to talk I wouldn't ignore them. And I certainly wouldn't turn my phone of when they tried to call me. You must all think I'm a terribly high maintenance person but the fact is I normally just let things go over my head. He's come back from nights out saying girls wanted to come back with him to have sex with him and me, and I believed him when he said he just ignored them. Now I feel like a ****ing idiot.
Am I insane? Am I really insane? I feel like in one night I've lost my best friend and my partner. I know I should acknowledge the part me mental illness has to play here, but it's hard. I feel like I just want to tell everyone to **** off so I can finally curl up into the black-hole-ball that I've been resisting just for the sake of other people. Am I destroying my relations so I can do that? Is this a self-destructive exercise? Or are people convincing me that's what is is so they can take the piss out of me, so he can cheat on me while stay living in my flat? What do I do when I don't know what is real anymore?
I'm sorry that you are having a difficult day, it sounds like it is all kicking off for you. Has anything happened specifically before today that could have contributed to your reactions today?
I know this might be difficult to do right now but can you just forget about everything that has happened today and relax? Sometimes we can overreact to situations and I'm starting to wonder if you are unintentionally overreacting due to the conversation with your friend this morning, which is understandable.
Can you talk to your boyfriend face to face when he gets home? His phone might be off for a logical reason, such as it has gone flat. Is there any other way you can contact him to see if this is the case?
Iamcatbug - I am not sure if I am overreacting. If I am, I am afraid I have pushed away the two people who could actually care. If I am not, then I need to push them away anyway. What really means something right now, at this second, is that you have taken my fears seriously and talked to me in a rational manner. I fear that my best friend and partner will turn away from me now, now I have shown my madness, I have come out from behind my facade of 'I'm ok', that has been my mantra for years. I guess it's a trust issue. I've become so ill at this very moment I can't hide it anymore, and I don't trust them to stick by me through it. What really helps though is when I feel like I'm talking madness, you've engaged with it in a calm and rational way. Thank you. I feel like everything is falling apart around me but that someone is on this thread talking sense, and maybe it will keep me together just a little bit xx
I'm sure they won't turn away from you now. You said at the start of this thread that your friend had similar issues in the past so I'm sure she is aware of how you are feeling having dealt with the issues herself. You've also been with your boyfriend for a while so I'm sure he won't abandon you for having a bad day. I just hope you hear back from him soon.
Would it be possible for you to let your boyfriend and friend know you are currently having trust issues/feel vulnerable and could do with some reassurance from them?
Iamcatbug - maybe, in answer to what you've asked.
I tried to reply to a thread you made but for some reason I'm not able to without logging (which I obviously am, it must be a bug). You left a lot of messages about trying to get into work, trying to just get going. I wanted to let you know how much I empathise with that continuous action, next day I will do better, next day, next day.
You are not a bad or weak person for needing more time and space to live. Some of us need that, and it can be so difficult to get our heads around, especially if we are used to achieving A grades through school. You are not a bad person if others recognise and make allowances for your needs. You are getting what you deserve. I know it's hard to stomach, but you deserve respect, you deserve to feel safe and valued. I don't know you in 'real life' but you have helped me loads tonight just for an aura of calm and rationality. You might not be able to feel that for yourself but it's true. I wish I could have replied on your post properly, I'm not sure what happened there, but I hope you read this and I hope you're ok xxx
Are you referng to my RV or my thread in this part of the forum as I've kinda spoken about the issues on both areas of the site? But thank you for responding I appreciate it.
