I am sorry for deleting my last thread but I thought I was feeling better and my problems were not that bad and didn't warrant being in this forum.
Unfortunately (and I will try and keep this brief) I am not better. My diagnosis was reconfirmed as bipolar type II so the fluctuation of moods does not surprise me, but right now I am in a crushing depression that is affecting my life more so than usual.
I saw my psychologist and my psychiatrist in what was an elevated week - so my appointments with them are not until 3 to 4 weeks away. I'm on a cancellation list for my psychologist in case anything comes up. My psychiatrist put me onto a low dose of seroquel which I've started taking.
So here is where I am right now:
I am very depressed mood and feeling suicidal daily
I had been harming myself (not cutting) but this has subsided as my dad has been home
Potentially worse is this crushing sense of apathy. I want to drop out of my course because;
I can no longer concentrate, class is overwhelming and I can't see myself being a professional. Everything is exhausting.
I know these thoughts are depression thoughts and symptoms but I'm getting tireder and tireder of struggling through them. This feels more severe than ever before. Usually I can see through it and at least know I am committed to my degree. But now, I just want out. And that is making things very, very, difficult.
I'm seeing my GP tomorrow just to check-in, because it helps me to see someone when I am suicidal.
I honestly don't know what I want from this thread. I've spoken to every single possible person at uni about my situation. I missed a class today because I was overwhelmed and I knew if I went it would make me likely drop out then and there, so I spent the time calming myself. But already I need a doctors note for that so there is so little flexibility.
I don't know what to do any more. I'm just so fucking sad.
Please, hear me.
Thank you.
I'm sorry I couldn't make this shorter.
I'm starting to understand that perspective of having time off, and I'm starting to wonder if this course is even the course for me. But I know how passionate I was about this, it's the highlight of my life getting into this course also. I think before taking or out-loud considering time off with the uni I would try and wait longer for the medication to work. Because I can't go back for a whole year if I take time off.
I'll see my psychologist if there is a cancellation, and my doctor is very good. I think I was a bit rude to her last time; my apathy has me believing nobody cares. But what I realise now is they do care; it's that they can't help.
I guess I can try and make an appointment with my psychiatrist too.
Thank you for replying Dash, it means a lot to me. I'm sorry I've written so much again.
I think that is one of the main things too, to try somehow to hold onto knowing it passes. Has anything helped with this in the past? It's brilliant for instance you've arranged to see your GP because you know that helps during these times.
The downs are longer, they're always longer but they are not usually this severe or impacting. Like, I might be suicidal but I can usually maintain motivation to engage with university. It might be the medication making me lethargic on top of all of this exacerbating the depression/apathy.
Dash - I think the insight is coming probably because I'm able to analyse a lot of different components of my functioning due to the course I'm in. Which is a double edged sword - cause I notice all the deficits alongside the small distortions I can see through sometimes.
LegoGirl, thank you so much. You're right I do need to try and shift my focus. Thinking about when my brother comes back from holiday helps me at the moment.
Thank you all for being here. I know there isn't much any one can say to help but knowing you're here means the world. Thank you.
It might be. I've been trying distress tolerance techniques, I remembered Dash you told me it was about managing my feelings in these moments. That's why I took time out of class today which doesn't sound proactive but it was.
It's hard to focus on distractions but I am watching telly tonight and snuggled in a blanket until bed so that is good. I don't know what to do to get through the days though, I wish it could be homework but I can't concentrate on that.
I tried to do one thing today, just dot points, but it was too hard. Maybe a different task tomorrow might help.
Evenings are hard but then, so are days. Evenings are more a risk time for injury. I just feel like if I could be left alone I would want to try and end my life but we know I've been there attempting so many times it's never going to work and I feel like I've failed.
Thank you, yes I could see making a little list like that helpful with rewards after. Than You again for your response I'm sorry mine is so short I'm very tired.
I've just got to bed dvd the scars on my wrist from recently make this all so much worse. Now I don't even know if I can be accredited next year, or now. And who is going to want me in placement. There's so many demands and I feel like a shell of a person, how.... How do I do it? I sense I'm in trouble.
I think it's a good idea if you deferred the rest of your course as well. Do you think you can finish this year though? I'm sorry if i've said the wrong thing there.
I was going to refer back to the link i posted in your other thread to use for myself, do you think you remember what it was?
I agree with thumbelina about making daily activities for yourself to do. Is there anything that you really want to do? I've been thinking about doing something at my local community centre, do you think you are up to doing the same? Maybe starting with one day a week?
That's only if you do decide to defer your course. Do you have any other friends that aren't at uni during the day, that you could do something with?
The attempts to die have failed but that doesn't mean you are a failure, it just means that you aren't meant to die right now, and that time isn't until you're well into your 80's or 90's. You are meant to live!
The reasons behind me asking to meet you at Eastland during the day is so we both have something to do, because right now all i'm doing is spending the days in bed, so it would be could do actusally do something with somebody i know.
It's good that you are seeing your GP to check in with her. I do the same with my GP when i feel the same as you are.
I really do hope you improve you soon because you really are such a great fairy unicorn in one.
A very wise member has the following quote on their profile "when you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long" I thought it was appropriate.
With regards to placements - Healthy, emotionally balance Aimee everyone will want you on placement. You are awesome! Don't let your depressed mind tell you otherwise! I know it is hard when you have struggled on and off for so long but new diagnosis, different treatment options, different expectations you can conquer this depression and any subsequent depressions or hypomania or any other mood unbalances. Look after yourself, get yourself in a better place and everything else will fall into place with time. x
Aimee I'm sorry things are still so difficult. But you ARE doing well, though I know it's hard to see that at the moment.
I know that you've spoken to uni staff about your decision; have they given you any feedback on what they think your best option might be? If you need to take some time out, it isn't the end of the world, it will just mean you have time to focus on getting better. I hope that you don't decide to drop out of your course altogether though; it's something you've been so passionate about, and it may be hard to remember that at the moment because of how you're feeling, but this will pass.
Do you think there's anything that would make evenings a little easier? I can appreciate that distractions are difficult to focus on, but keep trying - perhaps things that don't need too much concentration, like snuggling up and watching a favourite film / programme. I struggle with evenings and nights a lot and sometimes I find it helps to have a routine or timetable so I don't really have to think about it, or have too much time left for risky thoughts or behaviours. Like, time for relaxing, a hot chocolate, bed, etc.
Anyway, thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon. Lots of love <3
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
My head is a bit fuzzy at the moment so this is much briefer that I'd like it to be...I just wanted to say that postponing your course for a year would not be the end of the world. It can be really hard in the midst of illness to determine whether it's the depression making you want to drop out, or if the depression was triggered because the course isn't right for you. I took a year out of postgrad education to focus on therapy and it went by so quickly. You are so young still that a year will not matter in the grand scheme of things, and if it gives you the opportunity to work on your mental health and get to grips with this new diagnosis then that could be so much more valuable than persevering with study during this difficult time.
Things are not good today. Not good at all. I'm about to see my doctor and I don't know what is going to happen I just know this is a bad day. I binged heavily to try and cope obviously didn't work.
Sorry I'm not ignoring ask the advice I'm just blown away by the events of today here and scared like hell that no matter what I might lose my uni place.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Thank You. Saw My doctor. She's asked me to call my psychiatrist and tell her how I feel. I'm going to see what she thinks about a short admission. I'll meet my coordinator at uni to discuss the ramifications also.
I don't know if it's the right thing to do but I do now I have everything I need to kill myself in my car and an alibi and that means things are progressing - where I may not act on it today but maybe that moment is getting closer.
I've been sleeping at my desk at uni all day.
I don't know if it would be helpful. How does one judge this?
It would contain me while I have thoughts of harming myself. Give me nurses to talk to.
That's about all.
Not offended. I think I understand. That the admission would only be useful if it was a) helping to stabilize mewhile the medication takes effect and/or b) that I aalso learned things to prevent relapse. If I go in I'll ask for an immediate referral to the psychologist so that would help just to talk things out.
I don't know but if I'm honest in staying at uni because I think today I have the courage to throw myself out of the building when it gets dark. But I'm holding on for her call, and for this level to be empty.
I don't want to start driving home in case my psych calls but as it is now past 6pm i don't see that happening. There's a seminar at uni tonight i was going to go to about mindfulness which is at 7pm so i may go to that.
So basically she hasn't called. I tried to reach out and it failed. Lesson is learned by now.
