Slipping away from myself *contains SI, drug abuse*

-Stewie- · 26-07-2013, 02:13 AM

This is probably going to be a long one so I'll hide the less-relevant stuff.

So life things have happened over the past year involving a lot of upheaval. I'm now living back with my mother and I'm seeing a counselor to unravel a few things before I move on to CBT sessions.

I guess the life things I refer to are in the process of being sorted. But there's an undertone to all of this that I haven't told anyone. I've started messing with drugs.

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Recently, since June, I've turned into an "every weekend user". I'm quite happy to say what I'm using but I don't know if there are rules against it so I'm playing safe.

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This week I've been pretty worried. I don't want to get dependent on anything. I don't want to have to use drugs to have a good night. I don't want to be paranoid about whether or not my mother is picking up on it.

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I just got off the phone with my friend- the one who started using with me. I was the one who started this game, for the record. He was telling me how he met another mutual friend today who was really worried about us saying she can tell in photos of our nights out that we're taking drugs and that she's especially worried that I'm just on self-destruct.

That's kind of hit me pretty hard. You don't really notice what a mess you are when using drugs, it's just "fun". I've started to think that maybe I should get out of this place before it's too late- yes I feel like I've already shattered but in writing this I've realised that my self-awareness seems to remain intact, for now.

I'm going out this weekend. I very much doubt that over the next day I'll have developed the strength not to use.

I'm scared to talk about it with my counselor because won't it go on my record? I've always wanted to work abroad when I'm in a better mental place, but if drug use is on my record then surely the medical assessment the embassy will request from my GP would mention it?

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I've suddenly found myself in a dangerous place and I don't know how to get out of it and I don't feel I can ask anyone for help

crizz · 26-07-2013, 09:56 AM

I'm sorry to read you are in such a bad place at the moment. As you say you don't really notice when you are on them. the only thing I guess I would say is that if you do feel you have to use them make sure you get the best quality? I'm not sure what you are taking but having spent several years on cannabis I know that when I bought realy dodgy stuff i had major paranoia attacks which scared the hell out of me. Any drugs as you know are bad for you but at least try and get ones that haven't been too badlu mucked around with.

Is there something that triggers off you wanting to use them? People you are around? Places you go? Mine used to be wearing a slipknot hoody and meeting with certain friends always used to trigger me off. I still can't wear the hoody now without wanting to get stoned :(

I don't know about it going on your record so can't advise about that but really think you should try and talk to someone about it, even if it's on here. You are welcome to message me if you like :) I don't use drugs anymore but did for 5 years and I can understand the 'self destruct' situation you are in.

Does the friend who was using them with you want to continue using them? If so you may need to really reconsider whether being around them is a good idea...

-Stewie- · 26-07-2013, 12:43 PM

It seems people have made posts naming drugs, so it's MDMA and speed that I've been using.

I can confidently say that I'll never touch speed again. I'm highly sensitive to it, I had an experience, I've read a lot about similar experiences and how quickly it can spiral and I don't want to open that door.

MDMA is another story. I use it pretty much every weekend and the only problem I have with it is the "I shouldn't be doing this" thoughts.

Yeah it's a particular place that triggers it. Basically the place where I have no trouble acquiring it. It's a weird situation- a lot of people there are on the same drugs but I wouldn't call them my friends and wouldn't consider not seeing them again as a loss. Of the people that are my friends, the majority don't touch a thing, a couple can genuinely take it or leave it and only one other person takes them all the time like me (the one I mentioned above).

I guess drugs grab people in different ways. My friend (in the nicest possible way) is a bandwagon jumper and only started using because I was using. The difference is I know myself inside out as a person as you can probably tell from my post. He is quite naive and he's already on anti-depressants and anti-psychosis medication. I'm actually angry and upset that he started taking drugs- I suppose it's okay for me to do it but not anyone else...

The person I want to talk to more than anyone else is my sister. She's been through the drug crap, including having our parents find out. She hasn't touched drugs for at least a year but she's in a bad (non-drug related) place herself at the moment and I don't want to burden her. Also she lives over an hour away with her boyfriend who is basically a stranger to me and I wouldn't want to talk about it in front of him, but he and my sister have morphed into one person =/

If anyone does know about records and talking to counselors then please let me know and thank you crizz and for the offer to message you which I will probably take you up on, but I'm done typing for now :)

Ash* · 04-08-2013, 03:58 PM

Hey =]

I've been wondering about you lately.
Maybe before you go into detail you could just ask about the impact of telling them about drug use? From past experience I've found Frank really good to talk to and get advice, rather than through CBT. Mainly because I was seeing someone at CBT sessions for anxiety and depression and not for addiction/drug/alcohol problems.

I'd suggest, as a friend, not to go out for a little whole until you know what you want to do. I mean, recreational, occasional drug use, I personally don't have a problem with, but if you're feeling out of control, or people have mentioned that they're concerned I think it's time to maybe step back and have a think about it.

Could you email your sister? Or arrange to have a phone call when her boyfriend's not there?

Sorry this isn't much help, but I hope you're okay after moving back home, you've moved around so much lately that the stress can't be easy to deal with. I hope you're feeling a bit more settled.

x

-Stewie- · 17-11-2013, 02:49 AM

I forgot my password and got locked out of my account, so it's been a while.

An update:

I'm feeling better. Not "okay" yet, but better.

First the drug thing got worse, as I feared it would. I took several 'shouldn't be taken togethers' at once and ended up the sketchiest I have ever been in my life. To make matters worse, I went into the only 'full' panic attack I have ever had in my life and my 'friends' left me. Alone. In central London. On a weekend. Having a panic attack (yes I repeated that part).

Shortly afterwards, I got to talk to my sister. She wasn't tactful at all but I think her harshness was more helpful. In the three months since then I have only been out twice, but I took things on both occasions. I was just a lot more careful in that I didn't kid myself I could rely on anyone if it went tits up. The latter of those two times, I got caught with things by a bouncer. I don't know why I was let off but it was a lucky escape.

I think like Ash says I need to have a proper think about it all. The above should be enough to put me off going near anything ever again, but I still don't have that iron clad resolve not to touch drugs... it's easy to reduce going out and pretend you're not messing with them any more.

Those "friends" are doing the same old every weekend still. This makes me quite sad because deep down I know that there will be a time that I have to let them all go. They've started to go beyond weekend use. They look terrible. All conversations start with "I took this much of this and he took that much of that" and end with "and we were all sooooo high". I don't mean to be rude but I've actually begun to see them as quite pathetic.

In general other news I finished counselling and am on a waiting list for CBT though I am not entirely convinced it will achieve much more than a couple of particularly good self help books I have located... I'm more settled after all the moving around and I'm beginning to think about what I want to do next in life and have even looked at a few Masters courses >.<

Which is a big improvement to breaking down at the thought of 10 minutes in the future which is what I was like all summer.

There are other less positive updates but they're for another thread less late at night.

teachit · 17-11-2013, 05:44 AM

Earlier in your threads you said that you wanted to study abroad at some point. I strongly encourage you to use that as a way to keep away from drugs. Getting caught with drugs I am sure will go on some kind of record.

Your sister having been through addiction herself knows the path and how hard it is to get off if you go too far down. It sounds like you are farther down the path but not to the point that one would call you and addict. GET OFF NOW!!!

You are going to be going to CBT and have some promising things coming up. SI doesn't do it for you anymore because you have a future!! Drugs make you feel good for a bit then you need more and then they stop working so you need to move onto something else (new drug, combo's etc.) I bet it sounds familiar.

I hope I am not speaking out of turn but you most likely have an addictive personality. SI is an addiction of sorts. It is a quick and easy fix to somehting that is wrong.

Those people who left you in London will leave you out to dry. They do not seem like the people that will make sure you are ok if you pass out or throw up. Get away from them.

I know I don't know all that much about you. I just see so much of me and my friends when we were in high school in you. A few of us were lucky and stopped, got it together and are trying and some are doing amazing!! Others didn't and are still battling addiction and VERY poor choices made during or just after that time.

I am glad you are starting to see them as pathetic. Keep your plans in the front of your mind. Good luck

Ash* · 21-11-2013, 12:32 AM

Don't belittle what you've achieved already. You'll struggle because your not really 100% ready to let go of that yet. It's not great, but it's not bad.

Have you looked at any support/information about your drug use?

I keep popping back to see if you've been around, it's nice to see you xx

-Stewie- · 10-12-2013, 02:57 AM

@teachit Thank you for that post :) I have realised that I need to focus on what I want to do with life to get out of this and I have not messed with anything since the time I mentioned above. I'm not addicted but you're right I have taken more than a tiny step down that path. But since my last post I have decided that I have to leave it (and the people down it) behind- I need to get a more concrete plan of the hows before I'll say I'm on any sort of right path yet though.

@Ash Yes I'm in a not great but not bad place at the moment, that's exactly it. I haven't looked at support/information because I do strongly feel that if I can just put a few things in place to take me out of such situations (as I have been doing for the last 4-5 weeks) then I won't have an issue with drugs any more because there'll be better things I'm doing.

Thank you both =]

teachit · 11-12-2013, 02:53 PM

Yay!! Sounds like you are really trying to do better for yourself!! I am glad for you!