I'm just wondering if it is actually possible to be completely self harm free?
Something always breaks in me.
At the start of this week I realized it had been just over 2 months since I last self harmed and I was really confident I was on the way to recovery but since then in the back of my mind I've been wondering what that even means. The word recovery makes me think of some perfect future where I'm just a normal person that doesn't want to hurt myself but if I'm being honest and I really think about it then really I know that's just a dream and something I tell myself so I can justify not giving up. In reality this is something I'll always struggle with and eventually fail, I've proven this to myself time and time again. Before joining RYL I went nearly 5 years SH free, before that it was a few months and now I feel like I'm drowning after 2 months 13 days. Always going to fail.
The reason I know I'm going to eventually fail is because right now I'm fighting every urge to hurt myself and there's nothing even wrong with me! It's just circular, I need to hurt myself because I feel horrible because I'm not hurting myself and I hate myself for feeling that way....which is also making me want to self harm
That is why success is not an option. Maybe it is for some people but cerrtainly not for me. Something in me is just broken, to make things worse I've started having panic attacks on an almost daily basis and I have no idea why?! I just want to give up
I'm sorry just feeling worthless atm. Pathetic but I really need a hug or something.
Has anyone actually heard of someone who has "recovered"?
"The her that lived in her looked out through her eyes, through my eyes and at the me that lives in me."
I can honestly say that recovery is possible. But the struggle will still be there. As long as you can talk yourself out of it, or talk to someone to help you through it that is a successful recovery. Five years is amazing, and so is two months you should be proud of yourself, extremely proud of yourself. I dont even know you and I can honestly say that I am proud of you. Keep strong you can make it threw.
Thanks I know you're both right, I'm trying to focus on the positives but I just feel like I'm fighting against myself all the time and it's exhausting :/ I can't see how I can beat something like this, just feel like giving up most of the time :(
Sorry for moaning btw.
x
"The her that lived in her looked out through her eyes, through my eyes and at the me that lives in me."
i consider myself recovered... and to me that doesn't mean that life is perfect (cause that will never happen)... it means that i'm ok and am capable of living the way that i want to live. my ocd is still there, but it isn't interfering so much. self harm urges pop up from time to time, but i'm able to shake them off.... some days and weeks my depression and anxiety really get to me, but i know how to cope with it in an effective healthy way so that they don't stop me dead in my tracks like they used to, even if they still make me miserable from time to time...
you said that you feel horrible because you're not hurting yourself, then feel bad for feeling that way, and it makes you want to harm more... do you hurt yourself as punishment of some sort?
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
keep fighting tonfedd! i know its hard but it will get easier one day, im sure you can be free of self harm, all you need is the courage to imagine a life withougt it :)
@PassedExpectations
Just like to say first that I'm really happy for you that you've recovered and that you have such strength :) Given the hardships you must of endured to get to this point I'm sorry for how weak I must sound but thank you for taking the time to reply.
I guess when it comes to why I SH, it's just something I've always turned to when I felt I needed to. I started at around 12 I think, at a horrible time in my life when things just seemed to spiral out of control and it was so effective that I guess I took to doing it whenever anything was wrong without any thought until it got to a point where I just couldn't stop without feeling like things were spiraling out of control again. It didn't start out with me wanting to punish myself but over the years I started to realize how much about me there was to hate so there is definitely a major punishment aspect to it now.
Sorry I know a simple yes or no would of done but I guess I've never really thought that much into it so I kind of had to explain it to myself to answer you if that makes sense lol.
And Connor1 thank you so much for the encouragement :)
x
"The her that lived in her looked out through her eyes, through my eyes and at the me that lives in me."
Sorry, I meant things as in life in general not specific things that happend. It just made me feel better and gave me back control over how I was feeling.
x
"The her that lived in her looked out through her eyes, through my eyes and at the me that lives in me."
i've had some urges lately after over a year since i last self harmed (and the gaps between were getting longer and longer before that one...) but i haven't done it again.
something that has helped in the past will often crop up again, and seem like a good idea. just, as i got older it seemed to "help" less and became very infrequent.
and yet the thoughts still come sometimes.
despite this, i consider myself to be an "ex" self harmer.
Enormous congratulations on being over a year free :)
I know what you mean, now that I'm older the urges do come less frequently but the problem is I'm still powerless to stop them, the urge to SH just chipps away at me until I crumble. I've needed to for days now and it's not getting any easier. I don't have it in me to shake those feelings off :/
x
"The her that lived in her looked out through her eyes, through my eyes and at the me that lives in me."
i think that you don't need to shake the feeling off at all. acknowledge the urges and think about them and pay attention to them.
but, the urge does not mean you have to act on it.
this is kind of tricky, and is hard to do at first, but it gets easier. i learned it in therapy. it has been referred to as "urge surfing" and i have found it helpful.
you don't want to block feelings, you need to feel them. i think of the terror i have had, being afraid to feel anything, wanting to do whatever it takes to make the feelings go away. but they don't go away.
they will not go until you feel them and pay attention to them.
that's helped me very much. not easy to do, but it really does help.
I don't know if I can do that, I wouldn't know where to begin but I'll try thanks.
I'm trying to find a therapist but I'm too poor to hire one and i'm struggling to find one that's either free or within my price range. Last resort is referal by my GP
x
"The her that lived in her looked out through her eyes, through my eyes and at the me that lives in me."
yes, it is very hard to "sit with" your feelings without reacting in a way to try and get away from them. it took me years of practice, and i still spend a lot of time running from my feelings, but it has gotten much easier to handle them.
not sure how things work where you are, but i get free counseling at my community health center. i was referred there by my gp, and they have been great over the years. when i'm doing well i don't go for awhile, but i can always go back when i need to. i had to go back recently.
I made a post awhile ago asking for advice on how to go about getting therapy and it was really helpfull, I've explored a few options but they're not very promising so far, I need to go and see my gp about getting referred but I keep backing out when I work up the courage to phone up :/ I guess I just need to man up and get it over with.
Sorry to hear you had to go back recently, hope you're ok.
x
"The her that lived in her looked out through her eyes, through my eyes and at the me that lives in me."
It can be a real struggle making that first step to call- I recently had to make a similar appointment myself- but such a relief when you do. Can you get a friend to help you keep a commitment to make that appointment or have something you will do to reward yourself when you have made the appointment?- and again when you have attended it
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I wouldn't feel comfortable telling any of my friends about needing to go to therapy, don't get me wrong they'd probably be really supportive but I'd be convinced they'd think less of me for it if that makes sense. I know there's nothing wrong with it but it's something I wouldn't be able to get out of my mind. I don't really know how I'd reward myself either tbh lol, is that something you did when you made your appointment?
x
"The her that lived in her looked out through her eyes, through my eyes and at the me that lives in me."
Not sure what to say really.
From speaking to you, I know that you can and will get through this. I know you're struggling at the moment, but you have so much strength, and positivity. Focus on the good days, when you feel like you're doing well, rather than dwelling on what's not going so well.
I know you can get through this, just think of it as a small blip on your way to recovery. Recovery IS possible, although I can see where you're coming from. I don't feel like I will ever fully recover, but I don't think that's something that you need to think about for now.
Just take every day one at a time.
Always here if you need to talk x
Not sure what to say really.
From speaking to you, I know that you can and will get through this. I know you're struggling at the moment, but you have so much strength, and positivity. Focus on the good days, when you feel like you're doing well, rather than dwelling on what's not going so well.
I know you can get through this, just think of it as a small blip on your way to recovery. Recovery IS possible, although I can see where you're coming from. I don't feel like I will ever fully recover, but I don't think that's something that you need to think about for now.
Just take every day one at a time.
Always here if you need to talk x
Sorry I thought I replied to this ages ago.
Thanks mate that means alot :) but remember your own advice when it comes to focusing on when you're doing well, it's hard but it is good advice.
I got round to booking an appointment with my GP today :) It already feels like a weight lifted lol
x
"The her that lived in her looked out through her eyes, through my eyes and at the me that lives in me."
