Those things that I can't make sense of right now.
I'm not in a good place right now.
I find I've been replacing self harm (I'm almost 8 months free) with other things, like bad eating habits (binging or starving), obsessive compulsive behaviours, emotional outbursts... and drinking. I haven't been very sober lately.
I just want to forget everything, and since I can't hurt myself anymore I need to forget in other ways. Trouble is when I drink, like now, little things trigger me and I just want to self harm even more. I want to hurt myself and badly and I don't know what to do about it or who I can talk to or how to calm down. I'm really panicking.
I need someone to help me and tell me it'll be ok but I don't have anyone and I can't deal with the urges anymore but I don't want to wreck 8 months of effort but at the same time right now I don't even care...
I just don't know what to do. :(
If you spoke to other people the way you speak to yourself, how many friends would you have?
Well done for not self harming. I know how hard it is when you are trying to stop, you have done really well.
You say you dont have anyone to talk to about this. Do you have any friends at all you can talk to? If not, then perhaps you should go to the doctors and talk to them, you need help and support with this and they can help and make things better. It sounds like you need to discuss some of the issues surrounding all of this, because moving from one coping strategy to another isnt the way to go.
If you need help right now, and you can talk, there are confidential phone numbers like the samaritans you can call (im in uk but im sure there are similar ones in other countries)
can you think of any positive or neutral thing to replace all the negative behaviors? what positive things do you think that other people use to cope?...
do you know what is behind all the urges? there may be a way to deal with that head on so that it isn't triggering you anymore
you can get through this, keep hanging in there. you are worth the effort to get better.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I have friends but none who I can openly confide in about this kind of thing. I mean, they'd listen, but the reaction wouldn't be helpful, they tend to overreact and start making threats ("I"ll take your tools") or use guilt trips ("You told me you didn't want to do that any more" or "you promised you were through with it"). I often have panic attacks when I try to talk on the phone to strangers. I'm going to try to find a doctor when I move but that makes me anxious too so it's another trigger. I liked my doctor but I'm moving and can't see her anymore.
I just keep feeling like there are no other coping mechanisms that work effectively for me. I keep trying and trying to find ones that work but it's so hard when the negative ones seem so much simpler and are so tempting. I exercise or dance or listen to music but sometimes they don't stop the urges.
The urges are just from not doing it for so long I think and because I'm so anxious about moving and how I'll cope by myself.
I feel triggered all the time too now I've started carrying tools around again which is just a huge step backwards even though I haven't used them yet but I'm so insecure without them. I haven't carried tools for months and I feel like I've failed somehow because I need them to help calm the anxiety.
If you spoke to other people the way you speak to yourself, how many friends would you have?
moves are definitely nervewracking... perhaps you could try and set up some things to get involved with ahead of time so that when you go you will have things to do set up, which will make it easier to not isolate yourself...
it is hard to choose other coping skills over negative one... kind of like a drug, sometimes it isn't possible to get the same immediate effect that you get from harming. just like someone addicted to drugs has to choose to forgo the high from using because its consequences are so bad, even though they can't get the same high from other things, sometimes when it comes down to it we have to decide that even though nothing else works quite like harming, we won't harm because of the negative long term consequences. or like someone who loves cake and bread has to give them up because they find out that they are allergic to it... it isn't easy to do, they are still going to want those foods, and nothing will taste quite the same, but they choose not to eat it because it isn't worth being sick
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
having things to do when I get there is a good idea.. I think I'm going to join the 24 hr gym so I'll always have somewhere to go. Plus there's uni activities I guess.
I really like the food analogy it helps put things in perspective, thank you
If you spoke to other people the way you speak to yourself, how many friends would you have?
