I thought telling would help...

rq819cza26965 · 14-09-2012, 04:31 AM

But it didn't. Not at all. I finally tell my mom how depressed I am, and the thoughts of suicide and for a few days yeah, I did feel better. I even got some sleeping pills. I went to the doctor yesterday and she's putting me into therapy and then from there she's going to decide what kind of medication I need. I don't know what happened again but all the sudden I'm just laying in bed a few hours ago and all of those terrible thoughts come back. I had taken my sleeping pill an hour before and usually after an hour I'm out cold, but instead I was wide awake. Every terrible thing I could think about myself flooded into my mind and it's like nothing fucking changed. I hurt myself tonight for the first time in a month but this time it's like so much depression was built up inside of me and I just kept going and going. My legs are a mess, I am a mess, everything is a mess right now. My boyfriend called me later and finally realized that I had hurt myself and his exact words were: "Kegan I told you to st- you know what, good night." And hung up on me. I feel more depressed now than before I told my mom. I took four more sleeping pills because I intend on having a very deep, dreamless sleep tonight.
I thought I doing so well and getting on track and then this. I fall apart even worse than before. What the fuck is going on with me.

pyroctopus · 14-09-2012, 07:10 AM

its going to be ok i know how it feels when i SHd my bf refused to talk to me for 12 hours after finding out he didnt realized that hurt more than doing it in the first place and would cause me to do more. talk to him about it

rq819cza26965 · 14-09-2012, 10:54 AM

I have. The first time I told him was about a month ago and he was upset but he was still there for me. But this time he just hung up on me and that made it so much worse.

PassedExpectations · 14-09-2012, 09:22 PM

he is probably feeling pretty overwhelmed. friends can be great support, but they aren't professionals and often aren't emotionally equipped to do everything that you need. give him some time to cool off and see how things go. and try not to let self harm take over and direct the relationship. you are still you and he is still him, you need to do normal things together like you did before if you want to keep the relationship intact.

getting better (any part of it) is a process. there are times in the process of recovering that are going to feel worse than you usually did when you weren't trying to recover. that is natural. its like physical therapy after an injury. you've got to push through the pain and deal with it for it ever to let up in the future. telling your mom and getting meds and therapy will most likely be very helpful, but it doesn't mean that you're never going to feel bad again (which should not discourage you!)

and also, please, don't take more sleeping pills than it says on the bottle. it can do damage to your organs and make you more reliant on the pills in the future

rq819cza26965 · 15-09-2012, 04:57 AM

I didn't expect myself to feel instantly better after telling my mom. I knew it was only a small step, but the relief I got out of it took me by surprise because for a few days I did feel really good. But as days went on I realized, hey, nothing really changed. Yeah I told my mom but so? Those sleeping pills aren't working anymore. Once again I can't sleep. My mom can't afford therapy for me, so my doctor said I should talk to my school counselor. No. No therapy means no antidepressants. Nothing has changed. Absolutely nothing. In fact, I feel worse than I did before telling her. Everything is so overwhelming. I can't even hold a conversation on the phone anymore. My mom and I are back to fighting because once again I'm back to being short tempered with everyone. I never text anyone and if I get a text I never reply. My boyfriend and I talk on the phone but it always ends up being dead silent for an hour because of me. The last couple days I get home from school and the first thing I do is curl up in a ball in my bed and cry until I fall into a half sleep. Eating is back to a problem again, and once more every time I try to eat I get sick to my stomach. I need help. I need so much help.

nowhereman · 15-09-2012, 07:08 AM

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I can feel your pain through your words and my heart goes out to you. Unfortunately I'm not the best with advice. However I have been at rock bottom and survived, so you can too. I know,it doesn't feel like it right now but keep fighting for it.

Its_Just_A_Mask · 15-09-2012, 09:51 AM

You have to tell yourself that it will get better in time. Which it will! You wont feel like this forever! The counseller will help hugely! I think if you get really bad your doctor could prescribe antidepressants? But they should be a last resort. They don't help, they just cover up emotions! Talk to your bf again. Make him understand, REALLY understand what you are going through! And above all, don't lose hope! You CAN beat this! Just don't give up! We're all here to help you along the way. You are never alone. <3

rq819cza26965 · 16-09-2012, 02:16 AM

I appreciate everyone for caring. I honestly am so glad I found this site. My doctor said the reason why she prefers I go to therapy first is because of what you said, all antidepressants do is cover it all up. She said I need to get to the root of my problem. Talking to a therapist or counselor scares me just because I feel like if I told her everything she would tell my mom. I know they don't tell your parent or whoever unless they're worried about your well being, but that's the thing. I cut myself and I think about suicide far too much. I don't know their boundaries when it comes to my "well being".
Before my boyfriend hung up on me that one night I couldn't stop crying. He didn't know because I made sure not to make it audible. I knew we weren't talking, but I knew the second we hung up I would hurt myself. That kinda hit me in the face. I was terrified of what I would do when we hung up and I would be alone. Of course I ended up hurting myself that night but that's the thing. I hate being home alone. I jump at every chance I get to go to the store with my mom or something. When it comes to self harm and such I have no self control and being alone scares me because I don't know what I will do. I more scared of myself than anything else, and that is something no one, not even my boyfriend, knows about.