This past fall my boyfriend returned to college after dropping out for a few years. I'm very proud of him, because it was a HUGE step in the right direction. He put a lot of work into getting back into school, finding a place to live, and he really wants to do well.
The problem is that he isn't doing well because he hasn't resolved the issues that lead to him dropping out in the first place. He originally dropped out because he was skipping classes and not doing his work, so the school kicked him out. Now, even though he has improved, it's still an issue. He waits until the last minute to do EVERYTHING, which effects the quality of everything he does. He's pulled two all nighters writing papers in the past two weeks, has skipped classes to do work he put off until the he day it was due. He always blocks in time to do his work, but spends the time procrastinating and messing around. I think his grades may be dropping, which is really not good. If he drops out again I doubt he will be able to get back in for a long time.
He also seems to have no interest in finding out what he needs to be doing. I've been bugging him to find out his projected graduation date for MONTHS because I need to start making plans for after I graduate (I want to know whether or not I should try to stay in the same city), but he just won't do it. He has no idea how much of his degree he has left, he does not seem very interested in what he's studying, he is taking the minimum amount of classes possible, and he basically just seems to be floundering around with no idea what he's doing. He says he feels like a loser with no purpose.
Frankly, I'm getting sick of it. I want to support him and help him get back on track, but he needs to do something himself too. I'm angry at him because he doesn't seem to be trying. He won't get help, he won't listen to my advice, and he won't fix the problem himself. Even though he wants to succeed, he seems to have already decided to fail. I don't understand where he is coming from at all because I work REALLY hard in school and have never felt the way he's feeling now. I know I shouldn't be angry because I think it may be related to some anxiety issues he has, but I am really frustrated because I don't know what else I can do to help.
I don't know. Maybe I'm adding to the problem. I don't bring it up very often so I don't think I'm pressuring him much, but maybe I'm making him overwhelmed when I do bring it up. I'm a perfectionist about my schoolwork and I tend to hold myself (and everyone else) to high standards.
Does anybody have any thoughts or insight on the situation? I would really like to understand why he's acting like this, and how to help him if I can. He's always been really supportive when I've been struggling so I want to do the same for him.
Also, I'm sorry if I'm coming off as insensitive or bitchy. I'm just very frustrated at the moment because I don't understand the problem and don't know what to do.
Last edited by popsicle : 24-02-2012 at 08:07 PM.
Reason: added more
I'm sorry if I sound kind of rude or anything, but it sounds to me like you're more like his mom than his girlfriend. If he's in college I think he's old enough to be responsible and do his work, not lay around and then act like the victim when work is due while you sit there and worry about it like a mother. I think you should tell him how you feel about this and maybe step off his back a little, he needs to learn from his mistakes by himself. I mean, yeah, if he asks for help on homework/assignments or whatnot that's ok, but having to remind him about them or telling him what to do is kinda too much of a mom's job for a high schooler.
Is there a possibility he just isn't cut out for college,or the kind of degree he's doing?
What I'm getting at is maybe if he was being taught a different way or the course was more practical than paperwork he might flourish better?
Example I've dropped out of college a few times becasuse the tutors don't have flexible teaching styles and I'm more of a "put into practice" person than learning from notes.
The other thing is maybe he really does believe he's a failure and there's no point in trying,which would mean it was more a self esteem issue.
Do you offer to help him with his homework/coursework?or proof read things for him?if you do maybe point out the positives of what he does then make suggestions rather than corrections,if that makes sense?
I know your p'eed off,that def came across in your post-not a bad thing.
Just maybe he's comparing himself to you?or he genuinely struggles with education of any type?maybe unconsciously you're projecting your "strive for perfection" onto him which adds pressure-I'm not saying you do this purposely.or maybe he's one of those people who are ok just scraping through?
It's hard to give you a proper answer without knowing his reasons but if it's getting you down now and he won't tell you about it,sometimes you have to do what's best for you x
Thank you both for the replies. Now that I've had some time to calm down and think, I feel much better. Not angry anymore. I ended up having a serious talk with him yesterday, and we made some plans to work on this. Since it seems to be a self esteem/anxiety thing, he's going to see a counselor (which everyone has been suggesting for a long time). Even if it has no effect on his grades, I'm happy he's seeing somebody because his anxiety is pretty bad. He's seeing his academic adviser Tuesday to get a better idea of where he is/where he needs to be. He told me that the best thing I can do to help for now is just check in on how his work is going every so often, and I'm fine with that. Today he got a bunch of work done which is good, I'm just hoping he can keep up with it.
I have offered him help several times, but he never really takes me up on it. His main issue with doing work seems to be time management, because when he actually does it his grades are fine. I guess I wish I could understand why he has time management issues better, but I don't think he really understands entirely himself.
My main concern I guess is really that he doesn't seem to be really interested in what he's studying, and he's not sure what he wants out of the degree. Right now he's doing Business Management, but he's very passive and anti-social so I'm not sure it's right for him :/ I've suggested that he study Computer Science since he does it in his free time anyway, but he basically said that he doesn't think he'll be as good at it as everybody else studying it. I guess that I'm just going to have to let him figure it out for himself though. He's the one doing the degree, not me, so I can't pressure him too much.
I have offered him help several times, but he never really takes me up on it. His main issue with doing work seems to be time management, because when he actually does it his grades are fine. I guess I wish I could understand why he has time management issues better, but I don't think he really understands entirely himself
For the time management issues, I think maybe he should keep a planner to track all the work he has to do and set time limits for things; planning his days out. (Ex: Study math - 2:00 PM - 3:30 PM; Start on project - 4:00 PM - 5:30 PM. Get what I mean?) That has always helped me out whenever I felt like I had alot of work to do and it helps me not get distracted ;3 Just a suggestion!
