Scared...

[Pink_and_Sparkly]

I sat and read all the dangers and effects of my eating/laxative abuse tonight and it really scared me. I know that's a stupid thing to say, because im doing it to myself, I've been worried more and more about the eating because more and more I have physical side effects from it im sure... But I try and tell myself that chest palpatations and muscle cramping after I take the laxatives and duiretics isnt anything to worry about. I talk myself out of worrying, then worry all over again. But now I am really scared I've done myself permanent damage - or am on my way too. But I know I cant stop. Im trying really hard to cut down and I am taking less diuretics now and sometimes less laxatives, but the being sick is still an issue. Its a vicious circle because as soon as I stop or try and stop the eating cycle, I just feel more and more depressed and start crying again all the time and I dont feel I can win either way. But I do realise, I cannot live like this for much longer.
Sorry if this is a stupid, pointless post, I just felt really scared and wanted to talk to someone.

[MissAnonymous]

I think learning the facts of your situation is always a positive thing however scary it can feel when you do, you must remain open to the reality of what this self abuse is going to do to your body and lead you to mentally.

It is time to tell your Dr the truth. If you feel you cannot change things you must seek medical advice. You are very right to say your body cannot withstand much more, the multiplied effects of purging with laxatives, vomiting and diuretic abuse could kill you and without any warning. The side effects you have now, those are your warning. A stark and sure 'this cannot go on without something bad happening'. Make an appointment with your GP as soon as possible. Take and urgent one if you have to. But I am concerned with your electrolyes and general health and both need checking whatever you plan to do after that, at least you will know where your body is at and can make an informed decision.

Taking the eating disorder aside for one moment...

What would you like to do right now? [sit with a hot choc in front of the TV and watch JK (that's my example, please don't steal.. come up with your own :P)]

What would you like to do tomorrow?

What would you like to do next/ this week?

What would you like to do with your life?

Answer as many as possible... there are I'm sure, loads and loads of things you may want in life.. reasons to carry on, reasons to have and keep a better state of wellbeing.. and reasons even, maybe to beat this eating disorder. Because until you look further afield [away from the ED cycles], sometimes you don't see all the life there is out there waiting for you.


Do visit your Dr and do please have a think about this and what you really want. Its easy to get bogged down in every day struggles, but there is a bigger and way way better world out there to experience... And it can be yours too.

xxx

[xXx_freedom_fails_xXx]

it is definatly not a stupid post, we are all here to help you so stay strong babe, just remember that tomorrow is another day and you can wake up and start a fresh...... try cutting it down slowly and finding something to distract yourself when you find yourself starting to panic and worry about things, try talkin to someone on the phone or online, i would reccomend that you see your doctor to see if there is anything that they can do to help you, stay strong and if you slip up today then tomorrow is another day and you can try again and again till you get it right, the cycle is hard to break and its going to be really hard to do it but you can i know you can x

[Pink_and_Sparkly]

Thank you for your replies. They were really nice.

MissAnonymous, thank you for your kind reply. I agree, I do need to start being honest with my doctor about how much my eating is affected on a day to day basis, I tend to be quite evasive because I suppose, Im scared of hearing what they might say? Im scared they might not take me seriously too? I think also Im scared because I cant stop - even if the doctor says I have done damage, or something else, it will be devastating for me, but Im pretty certain I wont be able to stop.

The consultant has said my eating problems will be addressed in therapy - I've been on the waiting list a few months now. I dont really know how to help myself in the mean time? Probably with therapy I can get better and work through the feelings that I get when I eat, but at the moment, everything just seems so scary and I feel really alone with the eating disorder

Im also just starting back at work - not because I feel ready by any means, but because all my sick leave has run out and financially I have to go back to work. In fairness, my employer has been supportive, im going back slowly. But even just a few hours is so hard to cope with. I still cry before work and when I get home. And because I worry I wont be able to cope, I start restricting what I eat and start the whole purging cycle, because it helps me feel in control, in a place (work), where I feel everything is out of my control, if that makes sense...?

xXx_freedom_fails_xXx, thank you for your reply. I am trying to cut down. I have days 'free' of laxatives/diuretics - admittedly not many, but it's an improvement slightly on what it was. I will keep trying to cut down, even if I dont suceed all the time, I guess all I can do is try?

Thanks again for your kind replies, they really help. x

[xXx_freedom_fails_xXx]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pink_and_Sparkly

xXx_freedom_fails_xXx, thank you for your reply. I am trying to cut down. I have days 'free' of laxatives/diuretics - admittedly not many, but it's an improvement slightly on what it was. I will keep trying to cut down, even if I dont suceed all the time, I guess all I can do is try?
x

all you can do is try your best thats all you can ever do and if you dont make it a whole day there is always tomorrow x