This week has been a nightmare. I have been binging terribly and gaining weight, feels like I have lost complete control.
My partner has been really unwell and ended up OD'ing yesterday. She's in hospital right now, hooked up too every kind of monitor, oxygen, drips, catheters etc. She looks terrible; she's yellow and clammy and hallucinating.
I am supposed to be finishing my assignments cos I have less than 48hrs till final hand in for this year. I cant get an extension.
I haven't managed to eat today, bia eating and purging as soon as I got up. I am terrified to eat cos I did eat 3 times yesterday, but each time attempting a meal and ending up binging.
Planning to call samaritans at some point maybe if I can manage to do that even!
*hugs*, it sounds like a really tough time right now, i hope you can find the strength to phone samaritans as they can be really helpful and are there for you to vent at and express all your concerns. x x
I know it's probably the last thing on your list of priorties, especially since your partner is unwell, but maybe getting stuck into your work is what you need right now. I know when things are getting on top of me and I feel out of control that if I get stuck into something it usual does some good, even if it just distracts me for a few hours.
And this way, you'd achieve two things at the same time =)
Obviously though, there are times when it's hard for people to concentrate long enough to get stuck into anything.
But maybe give it a go. I hope you can manage to call samaritans if you need to. They were really helpful the times I called.
Sorry I can't help anymore. Feel free to PM if you need anything. x x
Last edited by Beautifully_Sinned : 01-06-2011 at 10:20 PM.
Reason: Spelling!
♪♫ I'm Learning To Be Brave In My Beautiful Mistakes ♫♪
I tried my hardest. I was walking home from the hospital today and I tried to get into Samaritans but they were closed. I rushed home panicky and feeling like a knob for trying to do the right thing.
I feel second best, forgotten, sub-standard and I really want to slash myself up. Nobody should be so complacent to assume I can cope with whatever crap they wish to dump on me. It happens everywhere I look right now. People want me to sit in a corner and take it and shut up. I wont.
Hey i know that i am one of those who has hurt you and upset you right now but please dont shut up.Not ever.You are clearly hurting and hurting so much.And it really matters.It really does.i just wish i could take your pain away.
How are you now?You certainly arent a knob of any description and you did the right thing definitely and were very brave by trying to go into the Samaratians.Please trying to go into them or at least to call.
i am very worried about you and we dont want to lose you and im so sorry to hear about your partner too.How is she today?She sounds extremely unwell and you really deserve and need more support right now.Are you still not receiving anything from the CMHT?i think this is appalling and as a carer also of someone with such severe problems you deserve so much more.
i know it doesnt any me just saying it though so sorry.
i dont know what to say but i am nearly in tears reading your posts.Cos you dont deserve this, i hear your pain so much and you deserve so much better.
i love you and im sorry ive been letting you down.i will try harder i promise.
xx xx
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
I'm really sorry that things are so rough for you at the moment. I don't have many words to say, but I'm really sorry about your partner and I hope she gets at least a little better as soon as possible. It was brave of you to try, and I hope that you keep trying to talk to the Samaritans.
Please don't slash yourself up. It's really sad that all of these things are happening to you and you really do deserve better. I really don't have much useful to say but keep going, and I hope that things get a bit better as soon as possible. xx
Crikey, I dont want you to worry. I am always trying to keep safe, I think my feelings, in fairness are as a result of a huge multitude of events occurring. It's not a simple cause.
I am grateful you care, and concerned for me, but please never worry.
Today has been rough, full of difficult conversations and triggering surroundings. I got a taxi home tonight so I wasn't walking for an hour in the dark. I feel bad for not using the opportunity to exercise.
The assignment did get finished and handed in, I did it till 3am on the night she was transferred. That was a damn hard night. Tonight will be better. I hope I don't break down. I keep trying to ground myself with my cat [he is laying between my feet, licking his nether-regions].
I know it sounds bad, but [okay so my most recent scars are still thick and red] I want to always keep at least one or two scars because to look at them I feel less of a need to make more. I still want to cut a lot of the time, I think about it every day, but if I have just one decent scar it soothes the thoughts a tiny bit. Recently though I have wanted to harm myself just to feel I have done the right thing in punishing myself. I have a 'thing' about what is right. I know what is right,,, then I feel what is right. And constantly have to battle between the two. Keeping my head under some sort of control and keeping my life and relationships in tact.
