I'm not sure that I really want to stop self harming. I mean, obviously I do. I want to be happy again, and not be itchy and sore all the time, and I don't want to hide things from the people I love, especially my boyfriend.
But there's part of me that craves it. It's the one constant in my life. Even when I have a good day I still want to cut?! That's not normal.
I don't feel ready to stop. But I've already taken the first steps to "recovery." I've talked to my therapist and to my parents and my sister. My roommate knows. I opened up about it to one of my friends (who used to self harm, so she gets it). I'm going for a psychiatric evaluation and meeting with a psychologist.
But even after all of this, I'm not sure I want to stop. Why should I stop? But on the other hand, why should I keep cutting? Everything in my mind contradicts itself, but the stronger emotion is me not wanting to stop.
I feel like I'm rambling on and not making any sense. I'm sorry. But I guess what I'm looking for is any advice anyone can give. And any thoughts on not wanting to stop. Has anyone felt like this before? How did you stop?
I can definitely relate to what your saying. I do and don't want to stop. I do because like you said, I can just not have to worry about hiding it anymore and being all itchy, but then again I don't want to stop cause I've done it for so long, it just doesn't feel like something i can leave behind. It almost feels like a part of me now.
But in the long run, I know getting better is in my best interest, and i admire you for taking that first huge step in talking to people about it and going to see someone. I hope that it works out for you and you start to lean more towards wanting to quit than to not quit.
yeah i know what you mean. it's such a vicious cycle. i know it needs to stop but i don't know if i'm ready to face it. and thanks :) it was a scary step to take but i just couldn't hold onto that secret anymore. i mean, there's still alot of important people in my life, like my bf, who don't know, so it's still hard, but it's a lot easier when at least someone knows.
i think i'm going to talk to my therapist this week about this. i haven't really mentioned this to her yet.
i definetly know what you mean when yousay that your mind is contradicting itself, saying that you want to stop cutting, but all your emotions are telling you to keep doing it. i struggle with the same thing. i also get the feeling a lot where i want to cut even if im having a good day. so your not alone on that one. to me its almost like just a daily routine thinkg i have to do, like eating. nothing special, i just fust feel the need to cut. just like i feel the need to eat.
i dont know if that how you see it, but i posted a thread about this same thing before, and that was the general conscensus i felt it gave me.
I love you Kirby. You're the best dog I'll ever have.
I think everyone who's ended up in the grips of habitual SI has been where you are right now. It's normal, and I wouldn't worry about it all that much, provided that you don't feel like you're endangering yourself (to a level that you're uncomfortable with).
You said that you're contact with a therapist, and going to speak with a psychologist. Perhaps you should discuss this with them? Provided they are willing to have a frank discussion of things, it could help.
You have to be ready to stop and want to stop in order to actually stop. I was in that same position as you where I kind of wanted to stop but my SI was like a security blanket - I couldn't imagine being without it or being successful in stopping.
When you do decide, you have to take things one day at a time, one urge at a time. I stopped because I didn't want to have to hide my arms from my parents when they were visiting and then when I was successful at that for a week I realized how nice it was so I just kept coming up with reasons as to why I "couldn't" cut. But I did have to use some distractions and draw on my arm with a pen or marker from time to time. But it helped.
Being in therapy and talking to people who care about you are great first steps. I hope this has helped you a little bit and I wish you nothing but the best of luck in dealing with this.
hey everyone. thanks for all the responses. it's really nice to hear that i'm not the only one who feels/has felt like this before, and to hear how supportive everyone is.
despite how absolutely terrible this week has been, i've only cut twice. i'm actually surprised at myself. the urges weren't as bad as they usually are, which is weird but at the same time let's me know that when i'm ready to beat this i will.
I keep thinking about my sister's bachelorette party next summer. We're going to go to the beach for the weekend and im already dreading it. i dont want the other bridesmaids to question my scars/cuts. they're all like big sisters to me but they're still just my sisters friends you know, so i feel like they would be judgemental and want to know what happened.
i feel like thats the only thing really stopping me otherwise it would've been so easy.
but you're all right. it's only going to stop when i want it to. it's just tricky because i feel like im in this limbo of wanting to stop and not wanting to. i think talking about it more in therapy though will help. i finally feel like im making some progress. its scary!
Lisa - I'm glad to hear you are making some progress! That's fantastic!!!
Having a reason to not want to cut (like your sister's wedding) is hopefully going to help you control your urges. Maybe you could find something a little closer in time as a reason not to cut and just keep making those "excuses" as to why you can't cut as you go on. That's pretty much what I did to stop - I didn't want to have cuts on my arms when my parents were visiting and then I didn't want cuts for a trip and on and on. It really helped me.
I know how you feel. I also agree with TimesLikeThese about self-harm being an addiction, how you can crave cutting even when you feel fine. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Take care!
I know how u all feel. I've been doin SI every since 05 since i couldnt go back to college. And I got depressed and had to go on stupid pills but they didnt help. All of my friends were busy with their own damn lives they didnt have time for me. So I kinda thought about it one time and tried it. I thought it would help me. And I've been doin it ever since. My parents know, but every time I do it I try to hide it. I think it helps the pain I feel for everythin I've been though.
i want to thank everyone for your thoughtful replies. it means a lot to me and to know that im not the only one to feel like this.
strangely enough, i've been really okay the last week.
i think it's because SCHOOL IS OVER. its the bane of my existence. and ever since ive been done, i feel great. i haven't been triggered or having urges. i've cut once in the past week i believe and it was only because i wanted to feel it (bad i know).
but at the moment im feeling very hopeful. its christmastime. im going home for a week and a half (not sure how that will play out). and for the first time in MONTHS i feel happy.
im hoping this feeling stays but i doubt it will. but i just wanted to thank everyone again. im so glad i found this site. its been helping me SO MUCH!
