im looking through old pictures
i looked BETTER.
i miss being that thin
it wasnt thin enough but id want to go back
i CANT go back
but i want to
i feel like a whale
i want to feel something anything feel good again i didnt feel sad all the time when i was thinner. I had a motivation and im sick of my motivation for getting healthier and fatter.
i want to be skinny i want people to look at me and see it see how much control i have and be jealous
i just need .... something
ive started to cut again
do i even want to be saved?
im bad
i completely relate and feel like im in the exact same position. I just got out of residential treatment, and still am in a program a couple nights a week. I miss my ED so bad, and the self injury. I feel like i just need to feel something, and get it out, somehow someway. I know i want recovery and to feel good. But i feel worse now it seems like. The ambivalence about recovery is consuming my mind these days and its draining. Its so hard to let go of the things that helped us, even in destructive ways, but its still terribly hard and scary.
Just remember that you are beautiful, and strong. You are worth recovery, and deserve a life free from the pain, struggle, and misery that ED eventually consumes you with. Its hard to let go, and so frightening, but its the path towards a better life, and a path towards freedom. A path towards finding you.
I don't even know you, and haven't posted on here in ages. Im having a really difficult night, and decided to log on. And this post by you resonates with me almost exactly. So thank you for this, and just putting yourself out there. Keep your head up high. You can keep this up. Remember you're worth it, and your health is worth it, and so is recovery despite ED's voice calling you in the other direction.
I also have been where you are, but I also remember when i was at my very worst and they thought i was going to die that i wanted to get better - i didn't want to look like i'd walked out of Auschwitz, i wanted to enjoy life. When i was out of treatment i manaed to hang on to things a few weeks before feeling how you describe and slipping back to old habits. I think it is your ED speaking. Its not really how you feel, it's your ED manipulating you and trying to win you back over. You have to stay strong and keep resisting this. You can do it, you have done so well so far!!!
This is a very common emotion when you're recovering, but it is one that you have to try & fight back against. Try to think of how horrible you felt inside, think of the negative emotions you were feeling, think of how much you were suffering, maybe you were thinner, but is that worth the price of your freedom, your health, your wellbeing, your happiness, your life? It really isn't...
i can talk to my therapist but she is leaving soon so i dont know. When i was in its grasp i left no misery of what im feeling now. I feel like im drowning. I screamed that i wanted to die today, i've never said that.
leave therapy on the 1st of september thats how ILL i am despite them telling me ive relapsed
im DONE with stupid therapy
IT DOESNT WORK
i wont let it work
i want to grab hold of my illness and emerce myself in it
ANYTHING to be thin
to be loved
to be clean and pure
Oh luv, I completely relate.
I feel like im in the same position, and by the looks of it, it seems that many of us have been here. Just keep reminding yourself that freedom is better than anything IT can offer you.
