I've sat for about 10 minutes trying to decide whether to post this.
And where to post this.
I already have a bunch of threads, and now is the time to put things in one place and be more specific.
I may talk about abuse related issues, but I won't put any trigger warnings up yet. I'll see how this evolves.
I guess I'm being shamelessly attention seeking here, really.
I'm going through an important time. I've reduced my anti-depressant medication. This is a vulnerable time. I was on the medication mainly for coping with trauma related issues, in particular an intense fight-flight response. Yes, I was given them for depression too, but what I'm discovering as I reduce the dose is how I am needing to face the trauma imprints courageously and with compassion. And this is an emotional and vulnerable time. It can feel a very lonely time. I need reassurance a lot, and encouragement.
There are times, like the past couple of days, when I cannot respond supportively to others. I try, and it comes out all wrong. But my heart is in the right place, and I'll be able to empathise and understand again. There are times when I need to take very gentle and attentive care of myself.
When I feel insecure I'm vulnerable to paranoid feelings, to feeling exposed and ashamed.
I feel that I need constant reminders that people are on my side. I need people to understand what I'm saying. I need people who can relate to what I'm going through.
Please.
Last edited by Stellata : 08-11-2009 at 08:08 PM.
Reason: Added trigger warning label.
It was a colleague at work's last day today.
I didn't go and say goodbye to her.
I couldn't face another goodbye.
Too many colleagues are leaving.
I know it was a selfish thing.
But.
I think posting this was a good idea, and I'm glad you have. I hope it helps to be able to write things out, this is bound to be a difficult time for you but I think you're so strong for doing this, and you're dealing with it really well. We are all most certainly on your side, and you do deserve support and reassurance.
I don't think it was selfish of you not to go and say goodbye to your colleague, you're just doing your best to look after yourself, it's okay to do that. If you feel able and have a way of contacting her, you could always send her a message wishing her well.
i know you don't know me, but i needed to post because i wanted you to know how much i admire you. i read your posts and i think you are amazing. you have a way of helping others like few can. you are so meaningful in your words and so compassionate. of course you should have a thread for others to support you.
i think you are very brave and determined. choosing to taper off meds is a scary proposition and it takes time and patience for it to be successful. asking for what you need, knowing that you will need extra support, shows how ready you are to be doing this whole process. it seems like you have developed some really good coping skills. you are introspective enough to know what you need/want and are willing to ask for it. for me that has been QUITE a journey to even know what i need.
i am a supporter of you. i love the idea of helping you get to the next part of your amazing journey.
I don't think you are being attention-seeking. And know I am on your side. I've read your posts and you're very supportive of other people. You deserve support too. *hugs* Feel free to pm me anytime.
Thank you so so much. Your replies really touch me.
I woke up really early this morning, and my mind running around in painful circles second guessing why my homeopath's decided not to reply to me. I did sleep well the rest of the night.
I'm finding it hard to be around my flatmates at the moment. She's in disapproving mode right now [too much toilet roll being used, etc] And I've not told him about my med reduction. The little one, their son, is busy being 3, and it can be hard on me. I was going to move out this Autumn, but that's kind of postponed/on hold for now. I'm so conflicted about it.
I'm meeting my parents for lunch today, so hopefully I can then have some hugs and tlc.
Lunch was yum and it was good to see my parents. But I was exhausted and mildly dizzy and kind of zoned out. Likely exhaustion as I woke up so early.
Words look... odd. Hard to describe. And I have to keep an eye on my typing as I keep making typos when I zone out for a moment.
I guess it's... not just tiredness, it's part of the whole thing of my fight-flight response/startle response being less medically protected.
The ironic thing is that, whilst I clearly have PTSD, it's not in my official medical diagnosis, and it's the core, raw, root PTSD symptoms I am being faced with as I reduce the dose of my medical, well, medication!
Full dose tonight, and I'm going to get an early night, as I've work all day tomorrow.
Physically, I'm not feeling very good.
Probably part of it is psychosomatic.
Disappointment.
That again.
Wanting more from my parents than they gave, and also than I was able to reach out for - I kind of froze and went quiet, and didn't feel I could talk about what's really important for me right now. But then, we were in a restaurant and it wasn't exactly private.
I kind of... shut down.
Please can I have a hug and some comforting words? Please?
Katie, I'm so sorry you're not feeling great right now. I don't have many words right now but I'm here, I'm reading and I care. I can understand that meeting with your parents and not being able to reach out as much as you would like would be so hard. Do you think you'll be able to reach out more and be more open with them at another time?
I think an early night tonight sounds like a good idea, be gentle with yourself. You're doing so well xx
Hun, i'm so glad you posted. I know it isn't easy to post and ask for some support so for this i admire you. I also want you to know how much i like seeing you around here, and how comforting i find it because i know you give some invaluable advice to people and sure you will for many times to come. Reducing your dose of medication is a big step and i'm glad to see you appear to be taking a very sensible and cautious approach to it. You are strong and will get through this. I genuienely mean that xxx
i think you are possibly one of the bravest people i have ever encountered on this site for putting your feelings down so elequently. i know i don't know you, and vice versa but you have my support whole heartedly. good luck with your meds, but really i don't think you need luck!
I am weary and useless
My body has been beaten and broken by the storm
I need Your hands to carry me.
Because I don't know if I can make it home.
*snuggles*
I'm so glad you've made this thread. You are so brave and supportive and I really find the insight you have in your posts very inspirational.
If I can help in any way, just drop a PM.
Thinking of you all the way xxxxxxxx
I'm going to bed soon, and will respond properly tomorrow.
I'm going to write out a list of safe/peaceful places. In general, and also places where I've been/go. My parents bought me a really nice illustrated journal, and I'm going to carry it around and use it for that kind of thing.
*hugs* i'm sorry you froze up. i know how that feels. Could you make a meeting time with them where you could express your feelings in a private place? Would that be easier?
We're planning to spend the day at Kew Gardens [big botanic gardens in Surrey, just outside London] in 2 weeks time, so there's more space and quiet there. Thanks for the reminder of that. :)
I'm a Journal fiend, lol. You wouldn't believe the amount of journals I have accumulated over the years and filled up! I do have my regular journal where I talk about the feelings and things of each day. This new journal will be more of a support resource and tool.
