Triggering (SI) - what to do with blades tomorrow?

tamobhuuta · 20-10-2009, 06:14 PM

i'm 14 weeks free. i threw my blades away in the summer.

before, i had a rough couple of weeks. i thought i was shot of it but then friday i bought blades. i didn't use them though. yesterday, monday, i tried to give them to my counsellor, but at the last moment i took them back. she was disappointed but she let me.

today i took them to school with me. at break i told my teacher i had blades. she said i couldn't really keep them because of health and safety, so i gave them to her. i asked for them back at the end of the day and she gave them to me but said if i brought them in tomorrow i had to give them to her again, that i could see her if i needed them.

this afternoon, i just bought more blades, sharper blades. i decided that if i was going to cut, i'd do it properly and finish myself off.

i know this is all because i'm not fully ok again yet, and that it will be a while until i am, and i need to take things slowly until then, not push myself too far. but i am impatient! i feel like i'm not fully one thing or the other at the moment, not fully well but not fully ill either, and i don't like this, so i push myself to get better, go too far, and end up buying blades i don't want. like i'm on elastic attached to SH, so the harder i pull away from it, the more force there is to pull me back.

i'm babbling now, but there is a point to this post.
what do i do with the blades?
throw them all away?
throw the first lot away?
throw neither away?
leave both at home?
take one set to school?
give it to my teacher?
take both to school?
give the first set to my teacher and keep the other on me?

i'm so mixed up, i don't want to go back to cutting, i don't want to ruin my 14 weeks, and i'm aiming to go a year, i don't want to mess that up. and i don't want to upset my teacher or my counsellor.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : trigger SI (sui)

thanks for reading. sorry i don't help much on this board, but i didn't think this counted as Serious.

xxx

Popple · 20-10-2009, 06:44 PM

Well done for giving them to your counsellor and teacher, that was really brave of you and was a massive step to take. Only you can make this decision. I think it would probably be a good idea to get rid of them all if you feel strong enough to however it is understandable if you don't feel you can do that, a lot of people find comfort just in knowing that they are there as a safety net but however if you did feel the urge to cut you are less likely to do it if it would be more difficult to find the means to cut.
Very well done for going 14 weeks that is a massive achievement and you are ding really well.
You can keep going and make it to a year.
Take care
Katy
x

ProzacSmile · 20-10-2009, 09:49 PM

at least u had the guts to give them to your counsellor and your teacher. that prooves that u have some kind of wanting to be better and to control yourself. i agree that its prob a good idea to get rid of them - being 14 weeks free is a massive achievement so well done for that sweetie!
pm me any time
xxx

White Noise · 20-10-2009, 10:26 PM

At the end of the day it is your decision, but my advice is to keep them as far away from yourself as you can. If you can leave them at home do so, if you can throw them out, do so. If you're not ready to throw them out yet, that is understandable, it really is a big step to put the blades in the bin. All I can say is that if you do keep them, put them somewhere where they'll be out of mind and not immediately accessible to you, anything to just put that extra barrier between yourself and picking them up. It's great that you feel able to speak to your teacher about this, so don't be afraid to do the same if you do take them with you again, or even if you leave them at home but end up needing someone to talk to, you do have someone there.

finding.my.wings · 21-10-2009, 05:35 AM

wow thats sooo good that you could tell both your counselor and techer :) im so proud of you.
ummm sorry i dont ahve any advice to offer on what to do with your blades... (i can get where your coming from thou, about not wanting to mess up and if you do to do it well) but i can see that your strong and i know youll make it to a year free.

flawedinsomniac · 21-10-2009, 08:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by White Noise

At the end of the day it is your decision, but my advice is to keep them as far away from yourself as you can. If you can leave them at home do so, if you can throw them out, do so. If you're not ready to throw them out yet, that is understandable, it really is a big step to put the blades in the bin. All I can say is that if you do keep them, put them somewhere where they'll be out of mind and not immediately accessible to you, anything to just put that extra barrier between yourself and picking them up. It's great that you feel able to speak to your teacher about this, so don't be afraid to do the same if you do take them with you again, or even if you leave them at home but end up needing someone to talk to, you do have someone there.

I completely agree with this.

Take care. <3

tamobhuuta · 21-10-2009, 08:22 PM

-deleted-

tamobhuuta · 22-10-2009, 07:12 PM

head of sixth form told me if i brought blades in again i would be suspended, so that solves that problem. ended up cutting quite badly last night.

rockaroni · 22-10-2009, 07:26 PM

It sounds like its for the best, as harsh as it may sound. It seems like its been a rough week love, try and take it easy on yourself. None of this means you have to go back to square one. Loves x

Sleepless123 · 23-10-2009, 04:26 PM

Aaawwww im sorry ive only just seen this hun.

i want you to do that all of your posts seriously do matter and so do you.They and you are really important and valuable.

im sorry your going through such pain and all youve been through this week and i havent been there.

Well done for talking to both your teacher and counsellor.

That was so so brave.

And shows how hard you are trying with this.

i like the analogy about the plastic - please try not to let it push you back too far and keep fighting it when it tries.

i know it can be tiring and hard though but you can do this.

im sorry you cut.Please look after it.

Please try also not to beat yourself up too much about it.

14 weeks is a great success free and you can still build on this again now and try and go even longer.

It is clear that you want to get better and for that im very glad.

You certainly have good spirit/fight and that means you have a good chnace.

Please keep fighting.

im sorry you were threatened with suspension if you bring blades to school again.

Its a hard one but i guess the school are just trying to keep YOU and OTHERS safe.

But i can see totally why it would be upsetting/worrying to have to deal with that whilst being in such a difficult/dark place with yourself too.

How are you now?

xx xx

Defender Of The Faith · 26-10-2009, 01:04 PM

You've done really well so far. You've just gotta do it a little at a time. Build it up until you don't feel the need to anymore. Just... If you do feel you have to cut, please don't do it too deep, or... Just look after it...
It's really brave of you to be able to give the blades to your councellor, and then your teacher, even if you did end up taking them back. I understand you not wanting to give them away, and if you're gonna do it, to do it properly.
Just remember that there are plenty of people out there who want to help, and who care about you.

Take care
Kirsty
xx