I am really fat- I weigh [numbers removed] and I am disgusted with myself. My meds made me pile weight on and I need to get rid of it. I need to just eat carrot sticks so that it all falls off. It'll be like punishing myself which is just what I need.
I am a fucking c***. I have made so many enemies and so many people despise me. I need to just hide in my flat and never come out. I deserve a big gaping cut on my face.
I feel like I'm dying inside. I am disgusting.
Last edited by Snow White. : 23-08-2009 at 10:54 AM.
Reason: Removed numbers - please do not post weight amounts. xx
Sounds like you're really struggling right now, but just eating carrot sticks is only ever going to make your mood worse. What has triggered all of this? What makes you think people hate you so? We don't hate you, please keep writing and talk about what is going on for you. Is there anything you can do at the moment to improve your mood?
Huggles, Aimee in Wonderland is right lovely, eating carrot sitcks will make your mood worse. What's happened to make you feel so low? We don'tt hate you sweetie.
Always here, x
"I was swimming. I was fighting. Then I thought, just for a second, I thought ‘What’s the point?’ And then I let go. I stopped fighting."
Hey, sorry I should have given some background info. I've been BPD/ manic depressive for 15 years. Had abusive stepdad, abusive relationship with ex boyf, and now my real dad has tried to elbow back into my life. In the last week I've told him I want no further contact, which was the right thing to do but has made my emotions explode. He never cared about me, our relationship was a hurtful mess.
I feel like everyone hates me because of the above plus I've had lots of problems in the last year- all my mates stayed friendly with my abusive ex and wanted me to still socialise with him, so I had to walk away from them all and it got ugly.
I've also come off the pill which has probably made my emotions worse.
i agree that the meds have most liely made you gain a bit of weight this has happened to me and i have a bit of an underaactive thyroid wich makes the situation even worse my doctor was able to prescribe me diet pills (xenical) to help.
you need to keep eating small and regularily though or your metabolism will slow ad you will find it even more hard to lose a bit of weight.
could you speak to you doctor about your concerns?
You did the right thing about breaking contact - it must not have been easy so well done taking that difficult step for the right reasons :) I'm sure it has elevated your mood a bit lately, made things stressful etc, so remember this will pass and the feelings will get less intense - and you've done the right thing, too.
In fact, it sounds like you're going through a lot, so just be careful and gentle with yourself yeah? Be nice to yourself instead of punishing, it sounds like everyone else is doing that enough to you, you don't need to add to it yourself honey.
Do you see someone you could speak to about how low you're feeling at the moment? Be safe xxxxx
Hi Shelz- yes I'm seeing the dr on Tues as it seems I may have broken a small bone in my foot on top of everything else! Gah! I've been on Citalopram for 4 years, and was on Olanzapine and another antipsychotic before that. Made me put on a stone and a half over time.
Aimee- thanks for your kind words. I see a psychotherapist every week, so I'll articulate all this to her. Its harder to say the words than write them though.
I'm so sorry for what happened. I know you believe that it's helped contribute to the reason why you feel that people "hate you" but no-one hates you and you did the right thing and although it doesn't seem like it right now, but you'll be grateful and proud of yourself in the future. Sometimes walking away is the best thing to do. I'm so it all got ugly because you honestly don't deserve it.
It sounds a good idea to articulate this to your psychiatrist and I hope she can help.
It does sound like you're going through a rough time and I was I could be there to try and make you feel better. I'm always here.
"I was swimming. I was fighting. Then I thought, just for a second, I thought ‘What’s the point?’ And then I let go. I stopped fighting."
Sometimes writing it down & giving it to them to read can start the conversation - maybe that is a good way for you to do it, so you can make sure all of it gets communicated? I think mentioning it to them is a good idea, it's very encouraging to see you so proactive about this. Keep fighting - I can tell there is a strength inside you. You'll get through this
It really helps to talk to people on here, so thank you.
I will indeed explain all my feelings to my psych in a few days; she can hopefully help me sort through them. I feel so low about myself, this dad issue has just made me feel so unloveable. That's probably the key, I guess.
You are so worthy of love. You have been badly hurt and abused which takes a lot of strength to overcome. I admire how you can ask for help and be so honest about your struggles. There is nothing in you to hate, and nothing for anyone to despise. You are only loveable.
As you feel very drained I would like to cuddle you until you are filled with joy. Many blessings.
"Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged,
sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and wrong because sometime in your life you will have been all of these."
*cuddles* it sounds like you have been through a lot lately, so it makes sense that through it alll your self esteem will have taken a knock.
I am glad you managed to walk away from an abusive relationship. It is a shame you have lost friends over it - But I am sure you will make better friends in the future.
I think you should talk to your Dr and Psychs about the weight gain and maybe they can help you devise a healthy way of dealing with it. Just eating carrots is not the way to go - as your body needs other nutrients that it cant find in carrots.
I hope talking with your therapist helps and they can help you find a way to work through how you are feeling.
*hugs* Be gentle with yourself.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I'm sorry you feel like this, sweetie.
Are you getting any professional help?
You do not deserve a cut on your face. *hugs*
If you need to talk, feel free to PM me anytime. xo.
*squishes*
im sure that you dont need to be punished and you should be feeling that you need to do that to yourself
nobody really deserves to be punished (there are excptions but your not an exception)
*ponders if i made sense there*
anyhow do you have poeple aroubd you that you can tlak to about this?
The Soul Would Have No Rainbows If The Eyes Had Shed No Tears
[Laurel Burch]
Believe in yourself and your dreams. For when you do. You can achieve anything!
