Triggering (SI/Substance Abuse) - On the EDGE & no one is helping!! **suicidal*

[My_Name_Is_Aiden]

i dont know how to live annymore! i dont even know if i want to, fuk!
if i had the frreedom to just run away and never look back i would but i dont. i ahve to look after my sister. we have four parents and six siblings across the border but none but me can take care of her!!
i pretend im normal for her because she is even worse in the head then me but most days i want to DROWN myself or CUT OFF my hands!! i drink and cut and she doesnt know cos she tinhks i quit!
my doctor wants me to qwuit but i NEED this and my shrink is USELESS! i dont have a job so i can barely even pay rent and i just HATE my life!!! i just want it to be easier just for a little while but it justt gets harder,, every year it gets harder... i have so many scars under my clothes, im fukking HIDEOUS!! im the stupidest ugliest guy on earth and only booze makes me feel better. no one in my life can help me an i am going INSANE inside my own skull!!
what the fuk shud i do?!?!?!!?!?!/

[laughingdoll]

Hi there,
I'm sorry to hear that your feeling so low. It sounds like you've got a lot on in your life. May I ask why it is that nobody else can look after your sister, & what your sister needs looking after with?

Looking after someone can be very demanding & a very difficult job to do. Do you have any access to support for yourself, so that you can chill out & take a bit of respite from looking after your sister? If you don't It could be something for you to maybe look into, so that you can get some support yourself, Your GP or local social services may be able to advise you on that more, though.

Can I ask the last time you felt OK without alcohol? Drinking is a way out just like any other way out, which is also destructive. What makes you feel like your pysch is useless? Can you think of any other ways that they could help?

I know your feeling incrediably low at the moment, but honestly ending your life isn't going to make things better - think of those around you that care about you, & how your death will affect them (& believe me, someones suicide is something you will never really 'get over')

If You feel that you really can't bare these feelings any longer, & that you are about to act on these feelings at any point, I really would suggest taking yourself to A & E or asking someone else to take you, so that you can see someone there, and they maybe able to help more than we can.

If you need to talk, I'm always around.
Take Care,
Louise x

*hugs* I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Taking care of someone can be really hard. Is there no one who could help you out a bit? Try distracting yourself somehow other than alcohol if you can. Alcohol tends to make every feeling a hundred times worse in the end. And I'm sure you're not ugly. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Can you find a new psychiatrist if the one you're having isn't good? Sorry if i don't have too good of advice but keep going. I'm sure your sister appreciates you and really would care if you were gone. *HUGS*

[TinkerDebs]

((cuddles))
its admirable to look after your sister especailly if she also hasd issues
considering all you deal with the fact you can act normal around her is impressive

[My_Name_Is_Aiden]

hi
im kinda of a mess RITE now so sorry iff this doesnt make sense but yeah, thanks so much for talking to me....
som,etimes it stops me doing worse stuff to myslef if i know the people on here care.
i saw myv shrink today and he looked at my cuts too and said i shud have got stitches but it doesnt matter to me what they heal like.... he upped my medication dose and gave me a book on ndepression which is just... ARGGHHHH!! he just doesnt get it not matter howman y times i tell him that i cant deal with my life hedoesnt really get anything! but never mind,,
i had to take my sister to hospital today. she hasa heart condition as well as mental problems and she cant leave the house alone without panicking sso i have to be with her.. its tiring and all our fmaily live in england farr away so they csant really help . i like being far away from threm they stress me out. both my parents kicked my sister out of their stupid fukkin homes too' just like they did with me when i was younger! they have five other kids and they cant deal with me and her:: the son and daughtter who have the worst destructive mental freakshows goin on in their heads!!
anywsy im sort of high and drunk tonite but not so bad as lasttime. i still feel suicidall but i have no way out cos my sister woud have nowher to go without me..... but i dont kno how much of this is can take! cutting and drinking just helps make me forget. i just want to FORGET!!! everytghing

[TinkerDebs]

((cuddles))
well its goo dhtta your hanging on for your sister
do you not feel that your shrink understands you suicidal state?
well done for being there for your sister though - seems like you 2 only have one another :)

[My_Name_Is_Aiden]

yeah.. i guesss we do. and no my shrink is fukkin STUPID!!! I HATE HIM!
asorry to keep bugging you Tinkerdebs
you always answer me and iknow u have your own stuff going on
so thanks

[TinkerDebs]

thats ok
i like helping everyone :)
is there anyway of getting a new shrink?
if its not working then maybe your wastuing your time with him when you could spend it with a better one

[Katiee]

Sweetie, you're not stupid or ugly.
Could you go to your doctors and ask what other help is available to you? Maybe they could find you another counsellor?

Could you try using distractions instead of drinking or harming?

We're all here for you. xo.

[My_Name_Is_Aiden]

thanks agaen everyone.
i dunno what to do with my shrink.. i cant get a new one, i just get whoever im given to. its a free service so i cant reject it :(#
And ugly? yeah, i am. a fukkin ugly loser! my scars made me ugly and i cant ever get rid of them!! no girl is ever gonna wanna be with me, they wont ever want to get close../.
but i dont even care m=ost days. i drink because it makes me forget. i dont have anything else that makse me forget.... i just i dont know how to say anything or do anything rite. and everyday i put on my happy mask so i can get a job o r go to class or rtake care of my sister and its killing me!!... but deep down i dont even think i care. part of me just wants everything to be OVER.,

[My_Name_Is_Aiden]

here i go agen....FUK it hurts but i NEED IT! i HATE That i need this! when's it gonna STOP?! im xsuch a fukkin failure..

[Miki]

hi aiden, do you remember me?
if you are drunk again tonight, take a breath and keep your kit drawer closed. you do NOT need to hurt yourself and you are NOT a failure!!
you're a lovely, handsome boy and i am here for you, and i bet lots of other people here care about you too. you will be alright, just try and sober up a bit and keep breathing. stay strong.

miki
xo

[My_Name_Is_Aiden]

not that easy miki you kjnow it... and no one else is talkin to me now, just youu.
i cant keep faking life all day and then tryin to kill myself at nightt.... i saw my doctor again today an she said i shud stop this all now but i cant nsee a way out most days or dont want to. i dont want a career, dont want a familly, dontv want anything to aim for, nothing. the world is ugly and hard,all my fukkin ligfe its been so HARD!!!!! and i just want it to be over but icant even do thhat. i havent cut tonight but last nights cuts are still bleeding and itching.. cut all thru trhe skin and fat. hurts still but drinking taskes that away ,. tomorrow i deal .. pathetic doesnt even cover it

[Miki]

aiden, listen to me. you are NOT pathetic!
if your cuts from yesterday won't stop bleeding then go to the first aid thread or go to hospital and get help.
tell your sister or tell SOMEONE!
PM me if u like, just please don't stay alone

miki
*hugs*

[My_Name_Is_Aiden]

okay... i'm trying to be calm about this....
i'm actually sober tonite for the first time in a long time, and i'm trying SO HARD not to hurt myself right now, but it's really hard so I'm sorry in advance if I fuk up again.

[broken_angel81]

I'm sorry I really dont have the words right now, but just wanted to let you know I care. I really hope you stay safe, just take it minute by minute. I'm here if you want to talk xx