Triggering (Suicide) - I can't do my f****** job...

[Stuck]

I recently started working as a casting agent, as you may know it can be quite a stressful job. Especially for a person like me who has a social phobia. I also find it extremely difficult to walk out of the house every morning. So you can imagine my weekends are bliss! All I need to do is lie in my bed and pretend I don't exist- My hobby :)

This past week has been an absolute nightmare. I have been getting constant suicidal thoughts, accompanied by a mass of panic attacks. I find it difficult to pick up the phone and speak to people, which results in bad job performance. At work, like most other companies, we have incentives every week. The worst performer however, has to work on the weekends. I was the underperformer this week, meaning I must come in this weekend...

I almost started crying in front of everybody, which as you can imagine would have made me look like a blubbering idiot! So luckily I held it in, but I am still under performing, which only got worse after I was told. So it's like a vicious cycle has started. I just want to go home, and stay in my bed forever or perhaps jump in front of a train and get it over with.

I need my alone time, I need time to just be non-existent and now I have lost what keeps me going...

Help me :(

Natalie

[falling tears]

HUGS,

I am sorry that things are not working out for you at this job but i really think that you should hand in your notice, as it is not right for you and is just making your life a misery , which you do not need at the moment... There are other jobs out there and i am sure that you are capable to suceed in whatever you choose, i just dont think that the job your in right now is helping you!

i am sorry that you feel so bad in yourself atm, and I would hate for you to do something awful to yourself because of this new job.

You are worth so much more than to feel inferior or invisible, and the sooner you get out of this stuck situation, i think the sooner you will see that you are a worthy person and you can achieve a happy an fulfilling life...

Please dont give up... you do have the strength, just let yourself have a break to sort out what you really wanna do, and try to talk to somebody the can help get you into a more posative out look on life...

Please pm me anytime... HUGS!

I hope things get better... you really are worth it and you need to find something you feel comfortable in, and eventually i am sure your confidence will increase and things will get better!

xxxJenxxx

[one_step_closer]

I'm sorry that work is so stressful for you, do you think that it is worth the stress? Is there another job that you might enjoy? Perhaps you would be able to be honest with your manager about how you are feeling, there might be things that can be put in place for you. What has been happening over the past week to make things more difficult for you? Remember that just because you were the underperformer for one week it doesn't mean that it will happen again and it's not the end of the world. There always has to be someone who is in that position no matter how hard they have tried. It also doesn't mean that you haven't been working well or that you are unable to do your job.

I hope that things improve for you soon, please stay safe, this isn't worth ending your life over when there are things that can be changed. Take care.

[Stuck]

Thanks guys!

It's not my job that's the problem. I really love my job. After working in any place for a month, I start to freak out and quit the job because you get closer to collegues in that space of time,because you embarass yourself by breaking down in front of every body, or getting into a catatonic state in front of everybody, THE WORKS. I hate that. I don't want to be surrounded by people. That's my issue. I want to be alone in a closed space, and what bothers me most is that I've lost a day of being non-existent, which completely depresses me. It may not seem like much to others but for someone with a social phobia, it's really hard not to think about. I continuously think about it, which makes me under perform more than I have been doing already. It just completely demotivates me!

I've been abused by 2 different people in my lifetime, have absolutely no friends, except my boyfriend. I don't trust anybody. Again, except my boyfriend. Even when I am feeling low, due to being bi polar I find it difficult to talk to even him. I get panic attacks for the silliest things, and quite often get into a state of complete detachment.

I just feel completely sh*t! It's not that I'm suicidal over just this weekend being taken away, it's more like the cherry on the top.

I want to be alone and sometimes it feels like the only way there is through suicide.

Wow it feels good to vent and have people to talk to for once!
I want to be able to hold down a job without leaving with shame and embarrassment, I want to be able to have friends! I want the damn paranoia to stop!!

[falling tears]

Gosh, it is a lot to handle, and when you put it so well like that i do empathise, i have not yet been able to hold down a job because of reasons like yourself, but I think that with what you have gone through it is understandable and you are brilliant for trying.

I think i know what its like not to trust anyone and not to feel close to anyone (apart from your bf), and i understand how that makes you feel terrible in yourself even though you are not to blame, an i am so sorry this happened to you.

I also think that part of conquoring this social phobia is by gaining confidence in yourself and believing in yourself, as i can see from what you have written that you have little to no self esteem. i worry too, if i make an idiot of myself infront of people, or if i say/do the wrong thing... i used to make myself ill woth worry about what others think of me, but the i thought... why? Why does it matter if I cry infront of people...? They must cry sometimes too? Anyway, i think the key to alot of the problems, may be to gainsome much needed confidence as you do deserve to have a good life and you do deserve happiness.

I am here if you ever want to vent... feel free to pm me and please stay safe... ohh and are you seeing any proffesional to help you with the feelings? xxx
jen xxx
xxx

[Stuck]

I'm glad I'm not the only one! I'm sure you know exactly how it feels to think your the only person whos scared of what you are. (A person)

I'm taking medication, used to be on a lot more though. Since I've moved to the UK, I had to start again. My GP doesn't let me see a therapist. She asked me to first take medication and if that doesn't help I must go to a neurologist. I'm getting an E.E.G done soon. I have done that before as well and it came out abnormal. So now I have to do that again to "prove"I need a psychiatrist. Then I can get referred to a psychologist. It is so complicated and it makes me feel "stuck" and like I have no choice sometimes. The waiting lists don't help much either!

Anyway I'm really glad there are people on here to talk to :) I guess I just need to concentrate on breathing for now... because that seems like the only thing I can do :/

[Manic_Depressive_Girl]

Maybe you could see a counsellour instead? You need some support with this problem because it is affecting you so badly.

I know you love your job, but your health has to come first here and I imagine this is probably a bad vicious cycle, because your stress at work and wanting to be away from all the people feeds the overall stress., therefore sending you into a panicky frenzy where you start to feel suicidal. Maybe you should step away from your career until you are better? Otherwise this stress might end up just eating you up!

I've been there, I have had trouble coping with jobs too (am also Bipolar) but in the end I just had to be honest with myself and take something low-stress for my own wellbeing.

Your health is calling for attention, and that is what must come first honey.

[falling tears]

hugs! xxx pm me me anytime
xxxjenxxx

[shadow-light]

I don;t have that much in way of advice... but I'm in a similar boat... I can't do my job due to MH stuff... I also find it VERY hard to leave my home each day too


do you see anyone about all this? sounds like it's affecting you greatly, maybe you could contact an occupational health service?