This may come out in a jumble as I'm struggling to focus, or breathe, or speak & my throat is swelling from crying.
I figured it was the decent thing to tell my Dad I was having a bone treatment on Monday that will strip me of any chance of carrying my own child.
So I did.
I tried to see him, to speak face to face but he failed to make any time for me.
I told him on the phone.
It went bad.
& I'm hurting.
Not only did he scream at me for 'making the choice to throw up & wreck my life', he screamed at me & brought up my childhood & I told him it wasn't my fault I got ill, Mentally ill because I was abused & I reminded him that HE SAW IT HAPPEN & all this time I have thought 'oh, he never did anything becuase he was drunk, & he said nasty things because he was drunk. I was wrong. He confirmed tonight,, & it went something like this;
'Yes,,, You were bullied, but it wasn't that bad... For fucks sake.'
'Dad... They tried to set me on fire.'
'Well, some people get their legs blown off, so what happened wasn't that bad.'
'I was abused by XXXXX & you were there you saw it once & you did nothing'
'YES I SAW IT AND DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT I SAID'
'You said you was a dirty little girl.'
'AND THAT YOU ARE.' '& Now you're taking my chances of being a grandad away, all because you wanted to be thin. Thanks for that.'
I feel like death & I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a dirty girl anymore. I wanted him to say it wasn't my fault, that I've done the right thing with trying to save whats left of my spine despite the fact I won't carry children, I wanted him to be a Dad.
FUCK. Can I just have a hug please?
Last edited by EyelinerAndCigarettes : 29-03-2014 at 12:49 PM.
Im sorry im so useless with words right now. your dad was out of order. you are not dirty helen and you certainly dont deserve any of this. i love you, im here anytime <3 xx
Oh Helen, I'm so sorry, you don't deserve any of this. How he acted was so wrong.
You are not dirty, and nor have you ever been. Being bullied, being abused, being neglected does not make a person dirty or any of those things. It does not ruin you, it does not taint your soul, it does not make you dirty. Your soul is as beautiful as the day you were born, I will never believe any different.
Not being able to physically carry a child does not mean you will never feel a mother's love. Being a parent is so much more than genetics and blood, and I'm sure you know that, lovely. It's about having that love and care and protection and that is something you will always be able to give, no matter what your fertility status is. You've made the right decision to do what you can to enable a stronger future for you.
I'm sorry I don't have much advice, but lots of hugs and much love.
Do you have any therapy/OT/SW appointments coming up where you could talk to somebody about this?
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
I'm sorry for what he said. He is wrong. This isn't your fault and I'm really sorry he couldn't give you the comfort you needed in this terrible time for you. You deserve better. I think you're doing the right thing even though it is the hardest thing, this surgery, and I hope you can find others who will support you if he won't. How is your mum through all this?
Remember we are here for you every step of the way. You are precious to us xx
I want you to shut everything out, visually, and mentally.
Close your eyes.
Shut out all thoughts, memories, everything.
Take yourself into a safe place.
Somewhere that makes you happy.
That makes you smile.
Tell yourself you are SAFE.
You are OKAY.
You are HERE.
Now, breathe slowly, in through your nose,
and out through your mouth.
Try and breathe in through your stomach, not your chest,
to do this, place your hand on your stomach, and try to make your hand move up and down, breathe deeply in, hold it for a few seconds, and out through your mouth.
Do this for a few minutes if you can,
try and calm yourself,
and remind yourself that
you are loved,
you are safe,
you are okay.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, onto what has happened.
As you know, I have met your "Dad" several times, and you know my opinion of him.
He is a poor excuse for a "Father"
- he doesn't even deserve that label,
and he is a disgusting "human being"
- another label he should not receive.
What he said to you, was utterly sickening.
It made me feel physical sick what he said to you.
You have said this to me a million and one times about my own parents,
about the fact that we cannot change them,
we cannot force them to be what we desperately want and need them to be.
I know you want him to be a Dad,
unfortunately,
you can't magically make that happen,
and you shouldn't have to make it happen either, he should be full stop.
I know how much it hurts,
and I'm just so sorry he said something as disgusting as that to you.
You are NOT dirty.
You were ABUSED.
The only person here who is to blame,
and is dirty,
and disgusting,
and filthy, are the people who did this to you,
not to mention the people who LET this happen
such as that "Father" of yours
who I would love to do something I shall not disclose.
"& Now you're taking my chances of being a grandad away, all because you wanted to be thin. Thanks for that"
By saying this, he is trying to blame you for something that is NOT your fault for.
He is trying to make HIM out to be the victim
- trying to make the sympathy go his way,
the "poor you" vote.
He is in the absolute wrong with EVERYTHING he has said to you.
1) It isn't your fault.
2) You arefar from dirty.
3) It is YOU who is the victim, not him.
4) You are doing the best you can with what you have.
5) Furthermore, you were a LITTLE GIRL - Little girls shouldn't have to go through what you did, and HE should have been protecting you, not hurting you even more.
He is far from understanding regarding your eating disorder,
especially when he says you did this to be "thin"
- far, far, far from the truth,
as you know yourself,
it is a MENTAL HEALTH ILLNESS
- not a "I want to be thin, so I'm going to f*k up my body & mind in the process to do so" illness.
Weight has nothing whatsoever to do with eating disorders,
that is merely the surface,
nothing compared to what is actually happening.
And he should have been proud,
absolutely,
that you are doing what you can to save your spine, especially considering it will take away from you something that you are desperate to have
- children (or at least make the chances of this happening extremely low).
He should have supported you,
encouraged you,
been proud of you, reassured you, comforted you,
and done what any normal Dad should have done.
I'm so sorry he didn't do this.
Please know that none of this is your fault.
You are NOT dirty. I shall repeat this until you understand this is 100% the truth.
What he said is NOT the truth.
What myself and everyone else is saying IS the truth.
I know you already felt dirty,
and that you feel it is all your fault,
and having Him say this to you has confirmed your beliefs about that,
but he is LYING,
as is your mind and what your mind is also telling you.
What you're going through right now is beyond what anyone should have to go through,
and what He has said to you has worsened your state of mind,
and what is happening for you,
and I'm sure you're hurting a hell of a lot right now,
and feeling very distressed by what's going on, please know you are not alone in this, look at how many of us care about you and love you.
I know your Mum is ill, too, but she loves you, and I'm sure if you talk to her, she will support you through this.
Could you talk to her about what He has said to you?
Or would that make things worse for you?
Can you talk to anyone about what's happened?
Professionals?
It's vital and very important you talk to someone about what's going on for you,
not just with what has happened with Him (I refuse to call him "Dad"),
but what is happening in general right now,
and particularly the situation with what's happening with the treatment for your spine,
and what that is doing to you mentally/emotionally with the fact of what it will do for your ability to carry/conceive children.
"I wanted him to say it wasn't my fault, that I've done the right thing with trying to save whats left of my spine despite the fact I won't carry children,"
I know you wanted HIM to say these things, but I will say it for you - It was NOT your fault.
You ARE doing the right thing trying to save your spine, especially with what it will do for your ability to carry/conceive children, something I know you wanted to do, and is causing so much distress.
You are NOT at fault for being ill, either.
You are NOT dirty, you were NOT dirty as a child, and you are NOT dirty right now either.
I'm sorry for everything that is happening lovely,
I really am,
I wish I could wave a wand and make it disappear.
PLEASE stay safe,
and BE GENTLE with yourself.
You deserve much TLC.
Have a day today where you stay in your PJs,
get comfy in bed or the sofa,
have a nice hot drink,
put the television on,
and relax.
Perhaps have a relaxing bath,
bubbles, candles,
lavender can be soothing.
Go on your laptop,
distract yourself with things that make you happy/feel better.
Watch your fav shows/movies/DVDs/etc.
Just make it a YOU day today.
A day where you are nice, gentle, soothing, and good to yourself.
You deserve it.
Please know I am here for you. Always.
as I have said many-a-times.
Remember that. (Not that I haven't reminded you of it enough lol,
you should know by now
:) )
Stay safe,
stay strong,
and keep fighting,
you CAN and WILL get through this,
you CAN and WILL do this.
I'm feeling OK, crippled with guilt & extremely anxious/panicky today but thats to be expected. I've decided to just stop seeing him from now on,, well, i hardly see him but i'm not answeing calls. He had to audacity to text me last night to say 'by the way, I still love you, despite what you've done', so i feel kinda numb & i guess the anxiety is just my body's way of being upset without actually being upset,, if that makes any sense.
thank you all soso much for your kind words & support & hugs, you have no idea what it means.
What he said was bang out of order and it was his job to protect you when you were a child.
You should feel no guilt for making this decision, it's your to make and I'm sure if there was another way to go about things you'd do it.
I think taking some time away from him would be a good idea. His text was out of order too.
It makes sense that your body is using anxiety to show the upset you're feeling.
*massive hugs* try to do something nice for yourself if you can.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
It might help to know that your father has made many mistakes in life just like everyone else. We are taught to look up to and depend upon our parents (who are taught to be there for us), but sometimes our parents make mistakes and are not available for us.
Your father will not always be right, and it helps knowing that he is a flawed human as well. Understand that he can err when he gets angry at you. He did not have any reason to lash out at you like he did.
I wanted him to say it wasn't my fault, that I've done the right thing with trying to save whats left of my spine despite the fact I won't carry children, I wanted him to be a Dad.
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