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Mikki .
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: minnesota usa
I am currently:  
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Reviews Requested- Contains upsetting material - More of the Unfinished Story...
I’m in the office wondering what I did wrong. There is no way anyone could know about the cuts. I haven’t told anyone. I haven’t done anything to get in trouble, have I? “Carrie Smith, you can come in.” I hear the principal but I don’t move until he says it again. I walk into the principals office. “Have a seat right over there” I see two chairs and I sit in the one farthest from Mr. Anderson, the principal. It gets silent for about two minutes. Mr. Anderson breaks the silence by asking how I’m doing today. I just say fine. He asks how life at home is going. I say that its good. Then before letting him have another chance to speak I say “so, why am I down here?” He says he was just about to ask if I knew why. I said “I have no idea why, that’s why I asked” He gives me a disapproving look and asks me “Carrie, have you ever self-harmed?” I don’t say anything for a minute and then reply “Why would you think that?” then, he stares at me for a couple seconds and says “in gym yesterday the gym teacher noticed that you always wore long sleeves, then when you ran by her she saw some odd cuts on your wrists” I so badly wanted to just run out of the office and never stop running until im far away from here. Instead, I just sit there. I don’t know what to say now. Then, the next thing I know I’m at a hospital. When I’m more awake I ask what happened. Then the doctor says “Mr. Anderson was talking to you in his office and you fainted and he got the nurse and you didn’t wake up and they called 911.” Then I remember this morning. I remember that right before school I cut myself. The doctor that was just talking to me says to me “Carrie, you seem to have lost a lot of blood. What happened?” I realize that now, the only choice I have is to tell them the truth. I say to him “I cut myself. Please don’t tell my mom. She will send me away” he looks at me then just walks out of the room. A couple minutes later a nurse that I’ve never seen says to me “Hun, the only choice we have is to tell your mom. I know that you don’t want us too, but if we didn’t you could end up getting an infection or cutting a vein, and die. I know you don’t want to be sent away but it’s the safest choice.” I start to cry, and don’t stop. I cried for 15 minutes then passed out. Again. When I wake up its dark outside. I look at the clock next to the bed I’m in and see that its 3 in the morning. I sit up and see a note next to my bed. *When you are awake press the red button and we’ll send someone in* So I press the red button and within 3 minutes there is the same nurse that was with me earlier. She asks how I’m feeling and if I need anything. I say I’m fine and I don’t need anything. I ask her if she told my mom yet. She said that she called her but she didn’t answer. She called my dad too, and he didn’t answer. I realize that my mom doesn’t know about the cutting then. I ask the nurse if I did counseling and stopped cutting soon, if we could not tell my mom. She says it’s a possibility but she can’t make any promises.
When I wake up in the morning I see my nurse standing outside my room talking to someone. I cant see who the other person is. After about 10 minutes they both walk into the room and the other person is someone that I’ve never met. She says “hello, my name is Dr. Dane. You can call me Sarah. She explains to me that my wish to do counseling and promise to stop cutting if we didn’t tell my mom has been granted, and that she is my counselor. I am so happy. She says that this was going to be our first session. We are going to tell my mom that I fell at school and got a severe head injury and no outside people can come see me which means she can’t come see me. I have to be in the hospital for 5 weeks. I have to have a session every other day. On the days I don’t have sessions I have to go talk to other teenagers about depression, self-harm, cutting, and stuff like that.
I’ve been in the hospital for 1 week now. I’ve made some progress. Right now, I’m about to go talk to some teenagers. It is actually a lot more fun than I thought it would be. I have 3 other people that are talking with me. Two of them are suicide survivors like me. One of them is a guy that cuts really deep. We are teaching about how self-harm has affected our lives. Sammi, one of the suicide survivors, had a really upsetting story. She had been through 23 foster homes, 9 of them abusive. 3 of those abusive ones were sexual abuse, and the other 6 were physical. Shes only 15. Her mom died at her birth, and her dad left the day after she was born. She doesn’t know who any of her relatives are. She has gone to 13 different schools. She cut her veins 3 weeks ago and almost died. She has gone through so much. I still have the urge to cut but ever since almost dying its gotten smaller. Jalyn, the other suicide survivor watched 2 of her best friends get shot. Her parents are divorced. She doesn’t know where any of her other family is. She tried to hang herself, but her parents walked in. She’s 16 years old. Blaine, the boy who cuts deep, has gotten physically abused since he was 3. His dad shot his mom right infront of him when he was only 7. He gets made fun of a lot. He’s 17. Me? Well, I got sexually abused from the time when I was 6 till I was 10 by my half-brother. My dad sometimes hits me. My parents get in fights a lot. I get made fun of all the time. I’ve thought about suicide a lot. I’m 15 Most people my age don’t understand what all this is like. I’ve had to grow up so fast. I’ve had to learn so much that I shouldn’t know yet. I’ve seen and heard more than anyone my age. I usually fall asleep crying wondering “why me?” now I realize, that I got chosen because God knows that I’m strong enough to fight through this. I’m God’s warrior. I’m a fighter of his love. I will win the battle.
Blaine, Jaylin, Sammi, and I went out to eat after teaching. We were all kind of emotional wrecks. Sammi went into details about her life. It was really upsetting. We went out to a place called Simons Diner. It’s my favorite childhood diner. Well, when we were there my mom’s car was outside and she was about to come in so we had to sneak out the back. We explained the situation to the staff and they let all of us out the back door. We got back in the car and Blaine drove us back to hospital. We were all in rooms right by eachother. So we’d stay up late and talk. One day I was talking to Blaine alone and he just blurted out “Carrie, I like you a lot. I mean, I like like you. You are really pretty” I just sat there staring. I felt so stupid. Then he started talking really fast “I’m sorry. It’s been so hard holding this in all this time. I like you so much. Please, forgive me. Carrie. If you want to be friends that’s fi-“ I cut him off and said “Blaine, I like you too. A lot.” Then, he said something so shocking. “well, in that case. Do you wanna like maybe go out?” I just looked at him and smiled and said “of course” he said that he had to go to bed and I just said ok. After he was in his room I ran over to Sammi’s room where her and Jaylin were talking and walked in and said “OMG! Blaine just asked me out!” Sammi looked up and said “what did you say?” I replied “Yes of course!” Jaylin just looks at me and smiles. I ask them why they are acting so weird. Then Sammi blurts out “We’ve known that he likes you since we all met! We were telling him to ask you out, and we’re happy he finally did!” I just sit there stunned. Did I really just hear that Blaine has liked me since he first met me and everyone but me knew? I go back to my room and sit there daydreaming. I wake up in the morning with Blaine next to my bed. I open my eyes and remember that I’m dating him now. Well, actually I didn’t remember that until I felt his lips on my cheek. I just lay there smiling. Blaine says “come on sleepy head! Time to wake up” I just laugh. I’m not sure why I guess im just happy. When we get downstairs to where we eat breakfast we walk in holding hands and Sammi and Jaylin are sitting there and Sammi yells out “awe, look at those two love birds!” I just smile and get shy. It feels so different now. We all have therapy today. So I go to mine during breakfast. I bring some food with and go meet my therapist at our usual meeting spot. The meeting goes by really fast. When I turn the corner I see Jaylin walking toward me crying. I grab her and bring her into my room. Before I even ask what happened she says “he’s dead.” I don’t know who she’s talking about. I wait a couple minutes, then ask her who’s dead. “my dad! He’s dead!” she starts crying harder. I pull her in tighter. “Jaylin, I’m so sorry! You don’t deserve this! Nobody does. Death is a horrible thing that unfourtanetly happens to everyone” She stops crying for a second and says “yea, I guess you’re right.” We walk out together, and right when we walk out Blaine is there. Before he even says anything I tell him to be quiet. He just looks at me then goes on the other side of Jaylin. We bring Jaylin to her room which is only two rooms away from mine. After we bring her in there we leave. We walk to Blaines room which is between mine and Jaylins. We lay back on his bed, and just sit there watching t.v. His arm around me. Me snuggled up close. I look at him and see that he’s looking at me. I smile then look away. Too soon, I’m asleep in his arms. When I wake up he is still awake. It’s 10:00p.m, and I look at him and he smiles at me and we sit there staring at eachother. Then, unexpectedly he leans in and kisses me. I feel his warm soft lips on mine and wish he would never stop. He pulls away, and starts watching t.v. again. I just sit there smiling. After about 15 minutes im still smiling. He looks at me and laughs. He kisses me again. I feel so happy when he kisses me. I feel like nothing is wrong. Like nothing bad will ever happen. We are on the top floor of the hospital. It’s called the “living unit” its where people like us get to live. Yippee.
It’s been 2 weeks since we’ve been here. Blaine and I have been dating for about a week now. I could get used to living here. Especially with Blaine right with me practically all day every day. Sammi and Jaylin both have boyfriends who come to visit on the days we talk to the classes. I recognize Jaylins boyfriend but I don’t know where from.
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