Contains Suicide - help

[chocostashchick]

i'm in crisis
i'm actually in a crisis and i don't know what to do
i need help
i've been out of the hospital for a week and a half and i'm pretty sure i'm this close to going back in
i can't believe i'm this chronic psychiatric patient disaster
i can't believe i essentially have 3 suicide attempts under my belt and i'm planning number 4
i have never wanted to die so much in my life and that's saying something
i want to feel better really that is my goal but you see i've tried it all and nothing works for me
we tried meds and they either did nothing or made me worse
i always figured hey what can it hurt to try medications it can't get much worse and it might get better
wrong
it can get worse and it did
we tried so many and we ended up with 9 and 30lbs later nothing
so we tried meds and nothing helped and i still tried to kill myself again so now let's try ECT because that's for when we're out of options
so we tried ECT and i figured what have i got to lose
well i had a lot to lose i lost my ****ing short-term memory and now i don't even know my own neighborhood anymore i'm a stranger in my own life and scared and stressed and i once again feel worse than before we started
what do i have left to try? nothing
i might as well go back to the hospital i was just there for 29 days and then another 2 weeks but what good did it do? why bother? there is nothing left to try
what good did any of this do? it did nothing but get me at the bottom of this pit where i'm just buying my time until my dad goes home and there is nobody left to supervise me so i can die in peace
i ****ing give up this hurts too much just breathing hurts

[lostandalone3]

No offence but it is extremely rare for ECT to completely destroy your short term memory. Have you been reffered to a neurologist for further investigation. Also it must not be your short term memory if you are having problems with finding your way around the neighbourhood, since that should theoritically be in your long term memory.

[Laura2.0]

as lostandalone3 suggested, going to a neurologist could be very useful for your recovery.

Hospitals always a routine... you get up at a certain time, have breakfast at a certain time etc...
Do you have a routine when you are living at home? It's something to hold on and personally I find that having a routine helps me to get through the day, without a routine I wouldn't know what to do and there would be to many possibilities for unexpected things to happen..

[effervescence]

OMG WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN????!!!!!!!
I haven't seen you around for AGES.

I am glad you are still safe. I wondered, but had no way to tell.

I don't really know what to suggest, except to keep going, keep trying because one day you might find something that works and suddenly everything will look different and you will wonder how you ever considered wasting your life. If you die, you will never know what might have happened.