Suicidal

[chinahorse]

Hi guys thank you all so much.

My graft has failed. I spent yesterday night in a and e and then went to the burns unit today. I have to go back on Sunday when they will have the results of my swab.

I'm really devastated.

[Sketchy]

I'm so sorry Lillie. Thinking of you.

[Sentient Treacle]

Thinking of you Lillie, can't imagine what you're going through at the moment.

Let us know how Sunday goes.

[Unbreakable.]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. <3
Hopefully the Cassel will be supportive and help you get through this.

[chinahorse]

Thank you all.

Someone came with me foe my appointment which was really helpful and things were discussed in firm.

I feel so so low today. My foot looks horrific. It's not healing. I can't wear what I want. I smell because of the wounds.

I'm also nervous of travelling alone to my appointment tomorrow. It's quite far away and there's so much that could go wrong.

[chinahorse]

I don't think I can do this

[Sketchy]

Lillie you can do this. I believe you are stronger than you think. Yes, this is all very scary, but you are getting the help you need and might mean a slow recovery, but you will get there. Keep talking to people and going to your appointments. Keep getting your foot checked out. But also, don't be so hard on yourself. You need plenty of kindness just now, including from yourself.

[chinahorse]

Thank you for such kind words. I am trying to keep going to everything and I am trying to ask for pain relief even though it's hard for me.

It's just so hard though. I'm so fed up of not being able to shower and hurting all the time from it.

How do I cope in those moments where I don't think I can do this? I'm still not sure I can. I don't know if I'm string enough. I'm sk scared of my appointment tomorrow.

[Bellatrix]

What are scared will happen?

[Unbreakable.]

It does sounds scary and overwhelming.
But I think you have done scarier and harder things before and managed in the end.

Keep talking to us, keep reaching out. You are not alone in this fight.

[chinahorse]

I'm scared they will say I need abother graft or that I won't. Both options are scary because I don't want it to take months to heal either.

I don't want to manage with this though. I just argh.

[chinahorse]

And I'm an hour early for my appointment and I feel like I'm going to be sick.

[Buttons.]

Do you have a book or any books on your phone?

Regarding the sickness I know the feeling, as you know often comes naturally with anxiety *hugs gently* is there anywhere you could get some water and just take small sips?

[chinahorse]

I have my kindle and I read tha and messaged a friend.

My appointment was over half an hour late and now I've been seen and am waiting to see a dr and have been for 25 mins with my wound open which isn't nice.

I still feel sick. I'm scared what the dr will say and think.

[Unbreakable.]

How did it go?

[chinahorse]

It was sort of good news. The consultant said she's never seen anything like it before. They think skin may be growing around the outside but aren't sure so I have to wait a few more days to find out. The middle doesn't have any skin though.

I just wish it'd heal. And I was kinda expecting them to say another akin graft so I'm not sure how I feel now.

[Sketchy]

I hope your foot heals up. It must be frustrating for you. I wish I could help.

[chinahorse]

I wish my donor site would heal more than anything. I'm dying for another bath.

How do I deal with feeling really low because I can't wear my nice dresses and shoes because of the size of my foot bandage? I feel Un pretty and I'm in pain from the FM and I've had enough today. The community is pressuring me to do something I don't feel ready for.

[Sketchy]

What about doing other things that make you feel pretty, like experimenting with new make up. Painting your nails. Wearing a favourite perfume? Or trying a new hairstyle?

[Bellatrix]

Bump.

Lillies in need of some support tonight. Lets all remind her why she's fighting

<3