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Contains abuse - Sibling Abuse: Repressed memories
I am completely new to this site. I joined specifically because I need to tell my story. A few months ago, I started a polygamous relationship that is also my first relationship ever. I am a closet bisexual to most people except my closest friends and, obviously, my partners. For years, I didn't believe I could date anyone. At first, it was because there was no one I was really interested in. Later, a little before I met my now boyfriend, it was because I didn't feel like I deserved to be loved by anyone. My relationship is still pretty new but since it has started, this is the first time in my life I've felt wanted and loved.
Unfortunately, along with this new relationship came more emotional baggage than just my low self esteem and depression. One night, my girlfriend was out on the road with her mom because they were in the process of moving, our boyfriend and I were talking over Skype. After we shared an intimate conversation, I suddenly broke out into tears over the call. No provocation, no warning. My boyfriend asked what was wrong. Without any real thought, I just started to say, "I hate him. I f***king hate him. I hate my own g**damn brother."
Memories started to flood back in. After so many years, I had forgotten my oldest brother (I'm the youngest of four kids), had physically and emotionally abused me. My mind had repressed it. But it all came back to me as if it was just yesterday instead of years ago.
I remembered being 15/16ish, my oldest brother would have been around 20 years old. He used to put duct tape over my mouth whenever he thought I talked too much. If I tried to take the duct tape off, he would wrap some around my wrists and ankles. He would leave me alone in my room like this. Duct tape is pretty easy to escape from but it always left a red mark on my wrists and across my face. Every time this happened, he would be waiting outside in the living room, would see me walk out of my room completely unharmed aside from the marks from the tape, and would laugh. He treated it like it was a game. Like seeing me escape was for his enjoyment.
And this kept going.
Eventually, he coupled this behavior with comments. He used to say, "I could tie you up like this and leave you in the trunk of my car and leave you. No one would know where you are. I wouldn't even remember you. You would die in there."
I never told anyone. My parents were at work during all of this. My older sister was usually at softball practice. My other older brother kept quiet. My oldest brother would intimidate him, once even threatened to murder him. So I was alone.
This form of abuse didn't last too long because my brother started to work late. I didn't see him very much. At the time, I didn't know that wasn't normal behavior. Or maybe part of me did know but didn't know what to do or say because I was afraid I would get in trouble. I used to worship my brother, I would follow him and talk to him about almost everything. I've read some threads about the victim avoiding their abuser but I never did. In fact, I clung to him. I fed off of him and became arrogant and selfish. It wasn't until I started college and lived on campus that I realized my attitude wasn't my own and I became softer.
My time away from my brother helped me see what he really was but at the time I still didn't see the abuse. By that point, I had completely forgotten what he had done. But my mental state began to deteriorate. I entered the longest depression of my short life. I had previously been depressed back when I was 12 but by 14 I had changed enough for it to go away. When I was 20 years old, one of my favorite aunts died and I was back into the thick of darkness.
Within 2013-2014 was when I met my now girlfriend and later my boyfriend. My girlfriend had always seen I was depressed and did her best to help me because of her previous experiences. When I met my boyfriend, I was crying myself to sleep every night but he became someone to talk to before bed. Since I started recovering those memories, they have both been supportive and trying to help me.
Until now, I was never a firm believer in karma. I did think bad things would come around eventually but I felt like it wouldn't happen until the next life or whatever is beyond this one. Then I began to look at what my brother's life has become and I do believe now. Everything he was, everything he enjoyed, everything he wanted has pretty much been taken away or tainted for him because now he has his own abuser. His wife. Others might not see if that way, but I do. I had lost everything that I was, everything that I had wanted, but I had never let someone manipulate me the way my sister-in-law manipulates him. I have experienced a rebirth whereas he is burning in the fire.
Despite this change, things aren't alright for me. I've started having flashbacks and episodes. I blurt out hurtful things that I normally would never say and would start to think maybe he made me shut up for a reason. When I get insecure, I start to accuse my boyfriend and girlfriend of leaving me alone because they don't care. During one of those moments, my boyfriend said, "I am not your brother," and I started to cry because I realized what was happening. Even with all of this change, my mind still believes what my brother made me believe: that no one would care for me, that I deserved to be left alone like he left me alone in my room.
I want to move on, I plan to. But short of going to therapy (which really isn't an option for me right now), I don't know what I need to do. I've been trying to figure out the triggers for my episodes and desensitize myself but that itself caused an episode. I've been trying hard to watch the things that I say because I'm afraid of becoming like him. I'm trying to be the person I know I really am, not the one he made me think I was. I want to believe I deserve what I have even if I don't.
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