Contains Abuse - feeling reckless

privileged-outcast · 12-05-2011, 09:15 PM

im not particualrly coherent at the moment but things are bleak and looking bleaker. brief background, i'm 22. i was sexually abused by an ex-neighbour whose family are still friends with ours. I've not seen him in like 6 years or so. No, i've never had counselling, no I've never told anyone. I don't know how to do any of those. i wanted to do it on my own. Show i was strong, but i'm not. i'm broken.

i have no motivation at the moment and i have so much to do, its unreal. but i've not had any days where i've felt good or normal since January. I just want to sleep and lay in bed but then i just have all these thoughts of the past on repeat. i just want it to end. There are moments where im in pure ecstasy but its like moments. and they are short-lived and quickly mood switch back.

for the past few weeks i've been thinking about contacting my abuser. I don't know what this will achieve but i don't want to be alone in this. i don't want to be the only one that knows. I sent an email to him like over a year ago... it might even be two years now and i never got a reply (it was a simple message simple saying: 'do you even know what you've done?'... i was in an anger and very desperate place)

logically i know its a bad idea. logically i know the adivce that i would give to someone else (i mean i'm a teacher - i have to be able to deal with things like this)

Things never get better. They get more complicated and hard. When i was a teenager i just assumed things would be better at the age of 22. they're not.

i just want to be still, not alone. i want things to be normal. A day where i don't have to drag myself out of bed o force myself to sleep. I do nothing once i'm home, i literally sit in my bed from 4 until 11ish.

fragile as glass · 13-05-2011, 06:53 PM

I don't know what to say except to offer you some love and hugs.

Sometimes we have to stand up and admit we cannot do something by ourselves and its actually a stronger thing to do than to keep things to ourselves.

You say you are broken. Sometimes we cant fix ourselves alone. We need other people to help us pick up the shattered pieces of ourselves and help us piece them together and then hold those pieces while we glue them together again.

You need counselling in my opinion (for what its worth) and you usually go to your GP to get the ball rolling when getting professional help.

I hope you make that leap.

Take care x

privileged-outcast · 13-05-2011, 11:11 PM

Thank you for you reply.

Youre right, i know you're right. There is a lot of things happening in my life [namely my mother trying to set me up with people. I've been single all my life i think it is beginning to bother her...] and i can't picture a marriage a working ith all my issues. I wonderful and warming thought, and very desirable. just don't see it working... Also one of the reasons i wanted to contact my abuser, he's married, how does work? And i wanna make sure he doesn't touch a single hair on his daughters head. i don't want the responsibility or guilt for that.

the counselling. i'm afraid of doctors, they creep me out. From what i've heard counselling can make things bad before better and i don't have a support network in place for anything.

fragile as glass · 14-05-2011, 10:10 AM

unfortunately the only way to 100% protect his daughter is for him to go to prison for a few years or die. Now death does not sound likely, you do not mention any serious illness that he has and murder/manslaughter happens more in Agatha Christie books than real life.

He is responsibile for his actions not you. Yes, you could get him jailed for what he did to you and that may alleviate the guilt but if you are too afraid of the ''professional services'' then that won't happen either.

Concentrate on you for now, it sounds like you need to start telling yourself that what happened to you WASN'T YOUR FAULT. Personally I think building up a support network for yourself is one of the best things you could do at the moment.

*hugs* xx

crazykat · 14-05-2011, 01:48 PM

Asking for help doesn't make you any less strong or any less of a person. Sometimes there are things that we can't work through on our own and we do need that little extra bit of help. I can understand that your afraid of doctors, would going to a female one be any easier? Or is there even someone that could go with you. Yes sometimes counselling can be hard but it be so worthwhile in the end. Often it can give us the tools to be able to get on with our lives. I agree with the above the only way to truly protect his daughter is to get in contact with the police or even child services. Hold on there hun xxx

Laura2.0 · 14-05-2011, 09:09 PM

I am creeped out by doctors, too.
But I made an appointment for psychotherapy (it's on monday, wish me luck), I thought 'it's not going to hurt to give it a try' the only thing that could happen is that things improve over time.

fragile as glass · 14-05-2011, 09:15 PM

slight hijack - good luck Laura! No-one expects you to divulge your deepest issues straight away. Everyone knows that building up a relationship and trust take time. Stick with it, it really is worth it!

Sorry OP for hijack, hope you're ok x

privileged-outcast · 14-05-2011, 10:59 PM

Good luck Mute Scream. I hope it goes well for you :)

crazykat · 15-05-2011, 11:07 AM

How are you doing today? Have you thought anymore about getting help?

privileged-outcast · 15-05-2011, 12:05 PM

I have thought endlessly about it, but i don't know how... I've not been to the doctors even when i like /need/ to. I had an asthma attack last week and not been to see them yet...

crazykat · 15-05-2011, 12:12 PM

Would it help if you could get someone to go with you? Also some people find it helpful to write what they need to say beforehand so then they can just give the doctor what they have written. Yes it will be hand but sometimes we have to take that leap of faith so we can begin to see a better life for ourselves.

fragile as glass · 15-05-2011, 02:04 PM

GP's are usually the first point of contact that you make and s/he will refer you on to the appropriate organisation

privileged-outcast · 16-05-2011, 07:10 PM

I'm still considering contacting him. Bad idea?

I just don't know what to write in the message and yeah.

fragile as glass · 16-05-2011, 07:32 PM

contacting your abuser is a very risky thing to do without a safety net. you need to have him in prison for what he did to you to protect his daughter. this is a huge responsibility on you, hence you need support first.

visit your GP or local police station and say that you don't know what to say or where to start. let them know you are vulnerable and go at your pace not theirs. give a brief summary of your mental health problems and express your fear of getting iller by doing this versus protecting the daughter.

I think you're amazing to do this xxxx