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It’s been a while
Hi,
I think it’s been around 8 years since I’ve been on here...
I have been mostly doing good- I know when I’m not when my sleep regresses and it definitely has.
I work in the emergency services (UK) now and it’s the best job ever. Mostly, it’s not a job which trains in mental health yet I spend a lot of time with people in crisis. I have the power to section people etc which is a bit mad that I was once so unwell that could have been me?!
I feel like when I’m at work no matter what it is I try my best and it’s going well. My team are mostly great but I have a few men on the team who have taken a disliking to me. Spreading I’m having an affair with a man (I’m an open lesbian) and the most recent that I’ve basically thrown two colleagues under a bus- they’re being moved to another department and this mans saying been sneaky about it- stating he witnessed me speaking with a high up boss. Never happened, wasn’t even in the room and didn’t do more than hi in passing to the boss in question. But it’ll look I’ve been told I was going to be moved and kicked off about and got my own way but that would never happen!!
So my team are now upset with me when I haven’t done anything and I won’t be able to speak to this man until Tuesday morning which is playing on my anxieties big time. I need to speak to him and find out what he has actually said. Set him straight ask why he’s spreading stuff around etc and maybe tell him how it’s making me feel?
I don’t enjoy confrontation with work colleagues but I also do not want to be made feel like this. I don’t want involve my supervision as it’s childish behaviour and this man isn’t seen in the light in which he is behaving it’ll be twisted into me being the issue and being too sensitive.
I’ve gotten annoyed with other people before and they’ve walked away cause I want to speak face to face for them to text me on days off and say I take things too personally? Or is it the fact they don’t like me asking why they have said or done xyz?
I generally try not get overly involved in banter etc as everything I say seems to taken not in jest etc. I’ve learned who to trust and who’s not really my friend recently.
But my god anxiety and depression doesn’t half just sneak up and grip you. I feel so alone and sad. I feel like my partner hates me, I’m pushing her away. She doesn’t understand mental health she’s quite detached to emotions but is very loving etc she doesn’t cry at sad songs etc whereas I can connect to anything and cry lol!
This won’t make much sense, it was more to get it off of my chest really.
I last self harmed around 6 years ago. I have a fabulous career but I need to ask for help and speak to my GP but I haven’t been in so long and I’ve loved moved country too so it would be nerve wracking. My family are 220 miles away and I am struggling big time.
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