Severely Triggering (ED) - University & Boyfriend

[LittleMonster] · 03-08-2010, 11:06 PM

Sorry to make YET another thread but this has been playing on my mind
Basically my bf & I are going to university this September/October and were going to be just 45minutes away from one another, however he hated the uni he was going to go to when he looked around so now he's going to be 3hours away.

It may sound selfish but I'm really depressed just thinking about it, he is the only person who I can talk to in the evening to help me through it & the one person I see when I feel down & is always there for me. He is the only person I can talk to about my ED/depression & distracts me when I want to

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& yeah he's great.

BUT he leaves for university 2/3 weeks before me & I won't have anyone to go & see or talk too. He says he will be worried about me during his weeks at university but I can't be selfish and allow him to ruin his university experience because of me. I have a feeling that whilst he goes before me I will just be sat miserably

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. I don't enjoy clubbing with my friends because I'm too depressed, my family aren't supportive as they dont know nor does my dad really care..

I'm just so down about going, I really do not want to go.
I'm worried that I won't care for myself at uni, I will spiral with my ED & binge/purge often cos I will have my own bathroom..

I just don't know what to do.
I'm waiting for an ED assessment but that's not until 9th September, *sigh* I really shouldn't have discharged myself.

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I feel so pathetic. Others have worse problems I'm sure
Sorry for being a waste of space & air.

Emmabob. · 03-08-2010, 11:09 PM

youre not pathetic could u call him/talk online?
sorry this is crappy, i'm struggling myself

[LittleMonster] · 03-08-2010, 11:11 PM

I can't expect him to come online & talk to me everynight
He will be having to make friends & have a good time
I can't hold him back from that

I'm so ****ing selfish

MissAnonymous · 03-08-2010, 11:15 PM

Have you looked into student support you could get while your at Uni?

Theres every chance you can build your own support system around you so you dont feel you need to rely on your bf so regularly.

Have you told your uni of your struggles and asked them what support they offer. You will make friends too, and Im sure they will keep you company, and motivate you to keep busy doing fun things.

*offers hugs*

[Pixie] · 03-08-2010, 11:19 PM

Babe its not selfish he is your boyfriend & you depend on him because he cares for you, its not selfish whatsoever.
But, obviously he is going so you need to work on how to care for yourself on your own. (thats not meant to sound harsh, youknow ilove youu )
You should speak to your mum, she might find some ideas on how to help you.

Is there no way you can not go to uni and just take a year out?
Ive taken two yearts out so far to recover from mine lol.
its normal & your health is more important than anything.

[LittleMonster] · 03-08-2010, 11:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissAnonymous

Have you looked into student support you could get while your at Uni?

Theres every chance you can build your own support system around you so you dont feel you need to rely on your bf so regularly.

Have you told your uni of your struggles and asked them what support they offer. You will make friends too, and Im sure they will keep you company, and motivate you to keep busy doing fun things.

*offers hugs*

I haven't looked into it nor told the uni, I felt that they would discriminate & my parents think I'm recovered so it really would put everything into chaos, I can't let them know of my struggles & worry them, they would stop me from going.
I know, but I seriously do not enjoy seeing friends at all right now, I just spend the time feeling depressed but pretending to be happy, I hate going out, I hate every day :(

Quote:

Originally Posted by [Pixie]

Babe its not selfish he is your boyfriend & you depend on him because he cares for you, its not selfish whatsoever.
But, obviously he is going so you need to work on how to care for yourself on your own. (thats not meant to sound harsh, youknow ilove youu )
You should speak to your mum, she might find some ideas on how to help you.

Is there no way you can not go to uni and just take a year out?
Ive taken two yearts out so far to recover from mine lol.
its normal & your health is more important than anything.

Thanks hun. I know, I'm gonna try and get a hobby I think of some sort.
I can't talk to my mum, but I just spoke to my aunt who suggested I go stay with her for a little while as she lives in London & she's great she knows that I still struggle...

I don't want to take a year out, I've worked too hard & fought through my depression to get these grades
xxx

[LittleMonster] · 04-08-2010, 09:54 PM

Told my Mum I was scared tonight, but she doesn't understand why..couldn't tell her

So worried.

HedgyHedghog · 13-08-2010, 11:54 PM

Its not selfish hun major hug
My gf is in the exact same position as u and has an ed and sh alot and she always confides in me but im working 6 days a week now because im taking her to disneyland florida just stay strong and if he is like me he will soon see you are being strong and will look after you even more xxx

[LittleMonster] · 14-08-2010, 07:50 AM

thank you for that :) glad im not the only one. It's really good you support her too :) I called up ed services yesterday so hope to get some news on Monday!

rockaroni · 14-08-2010, 08:26 AM

Right, I won't lie- I can't really give you any advice on the ED side of things, so you are free to ignore this reply if you want. However, I have just spent 3 years doing LDR at uni whilst I had SI/MH problems so I hope you don't mind me butting in.

Firstly, unis do NOT discriminate, especially with the kind of student support they give out. They are very impartial, non judgemental and caring, and very importantly, confidential. Whether your parents think you're recovered or not is irrelevant, they don't have to find out unless you tell them. And it sounds like it'll be really good for you to get into some counselling, and possibly MH services in your uni town.

As for the boy thing, it sucks. I know. You can see each other every other weekend, alternating who visits who. While that might seem like a long time, it really flies fast and you'll be so busy that you'll hardly notice. Skype is the obvious answer to missing seeing him- it can work really well for LDRs, but obvs you have to plan when to be online. What worked well for me and the boy was getting Orange magic number to each other- we spoke everyday (often several times), sometimes just to say I love you, sometimes to cry on his shoulder for 2 hours. Its not "taking time out of his busy life" to talk to you, its seeing how the girlfriend he loves is doing, and supporting her through good and bad.

I don't have time to say as much as I'd like, but I'll try to come back to this later. PM me if you want to x

[LittleMonster] · 15-08-2010, 07:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockaroni

Right, I won't lie- I can't really give you any advice on the ED side of things, so you are free to ignore this reply if you want. However, I have just spent 3 years doing LDR at uni whilst I had SI/MH problems so I hope you don't mind me butting in.

Firstly, unis do NOT discriminate, especially with the kind of student support they give out. They are very impartial, non judgemental and caring, and very importantly, confidential. Whether your parents think you're recovered or not is irrelevant, they don't have to find out unless you tell them. And it sounds like it'll be really good for you to get into some counselling, and possibly MH services in your uni town.

As for the boy thing, it sucks. I know. You can see each other every other weekend, alternating who visits who. While that might seem like a long time, it really flies fast and you'll be so busy that you'll hardly notice. Skype is the obvious answer to missing seeing him- it can work really well for LDRs, but obvs you have to plan when to be online. What worked well for me and the boy was getting Orange magic number to each other- we spoke everyday (often several times), sometimes just to say I love you, sometimes to cry on his shoulder for 2 hours. Its not "taking time out of his busy life" to talk to you, its seeing how the girlfriend he loves is doing, and supporting her through good and bad.

I don't have time to say as much as I'd like, but I'll try to come back to this later. PM me if you want to x

Thank you for your reply, it's very helpful
I think that if I do get in to my uni I am going to stay with my aunt for a little while during the weeks where I will be alone prior to going - I was there last week & I was so much better both ED & depression wise.

Regarding professional help, I called up ED services and left a message to say that I'm going to uni & not sure what I should do & they should call back tomorrow. The university have counselling services and it says on their website that they refer you to outside help if you need it.

Regarding my boyfriend, we both have magic numbers so can always call each other & both have laptops so can get cam etc but obviously don't wanna be non stop in contact as we both need to get the full experience. We have decided to pre arrange all our visits in advance to get cheap fares & find ones that fit best in our timetable.

I do hope that I make good friends there to keep me busy as I am really worried. I have already made a plan in my mind to get really underweight again but in reality I know that will just make things worsee & worry my family sick but I just don't know.

I am so down tonight it's untrue, I feel so fat and hopeless. I wish I were back to my lower weight but no matter how much I starve,exercise or purge I never lose weight as there is always something stopping me..e.g. meals with family, meal out tomorrow with family etc & somedays I feel okay so eat more than I normally would so I just regain anyway

rockaroni · 19-08-2010, 06:12 PM

Right, its been a few days, but I said I'd come back to this, and I am!

I should imagine your ED services would try their hardest to fast-track refer you to services in your uni town, seeing as they've got a bit of time to play with. And yeah, uni counselling services are great- mine referred mine for CBT since I was being a bit messed about, and it worked pretty quickly. Plus also, if anything goes wrong at uni, they can write letters and talk to your tutors, or do mitigating circumsstances forms. It might also be good to see if your uni has a mental health advisor type person- mine has been aboslutely wonderful to me, got me onto DSA, got me extra time in exams, extentsions on deadlines etc.

To be fair, you won't be in constant contact, or at least I'd be surprised if you managed it. But you know, little calls here and there just to say hi can really be lovely. It sounds like you guys are getting the whole thing sorted pretty smoothly :)

I really wouldn't worry about not mkaing friends. There are so many freshers events, club/society socials and meetings and stuff, honestly, you just need to throw yourself in there. Everyone's new, nobody knows anyone, you meet people everywhere. Its just the way :)

[LittleMonster] · 21-08-2010, 08:27 AM

Well ED services got back to me & said they cant get me in any sooner, they might call me on Monday but really I should get re-referred & go to the GP when I go to uni, so basically it's all up to me to sort out again & I found it hard enough before & it's always my bf who usually takes me & talks for me :/

Yeah we've made plans of when to arrange to see each other and things, it will be tough at first but I think it'll work out, we still seem to love each other just as much as ever :)

I've made quite a few friends via facebook already that are going, I've looked at the Fresher handbook I got & I think I'm gonna sign myself up to every event that I can, join a few societies & perhaps get involved in a sport..

My ED isn't bad at all right now, I've been eating pretty well & not purging, but of course I'm just waiting for the crash

Thanks for your reply btw, much appreciated.xx

Ami · 22-08-2010, 11:24 AM

hey.

Last year, I had a long distance relationship. We were 5:30 - 6 hours away from each other. It worked, we managed to see each other at least once a month for 7-10 days. So i would give it a go, defo.

Also, tell your uni about your ED and make sure you get refarred to MH services quickly as soon as you move.

Sounds like you've got a good plan lined up - signing up to lots of freshers events etc, everyones in the same boat also. Good luck :)
xxx

[LittleMonster] · 22-08-2010, 06:38 PM

Well that gives me hope at least :)

I think I'm gonna relapse back into my ED within the next day or so, I almost cried when I saw how fat I looked earlier and ended up

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because I feel gross

My "ED" is already making plans to work out loads at the university gym & to restrict..But surely this will just make me feel worse at uni

I'm now just drinking it all away with alcohol, as I always do when I feel like this ahah.

I may just see how I cope at first before I go getting myself referred again.
xx

BabySteps · 22-08-2010, 09:33 PM

Kate you need some sort of support network in place. It worries me that you are going to uni feeling like this. Remember find the strength you had inside you of comitting yourself to recovery, going to uni, starting a new. Think of things you enjoy in life and think how the ED is destroying them. You will never be happy, no matter how many goals you reach if this ED is still in control, you need to take the control. I know how hard it is, we've struggled together but i believe in you and i believe you have the will power to beat this
stay safe sweet xx

Pink Lemonade Fairy · 26-08-2010, 12:14 AM

Honey, this is possibly a harsh truth, but speaking from personal experience, maybe this will actually be good for you?

Your relationship with your boyfriend seems very similar to that of my ex. I was completely dependent on him, in my eyes me magically "cured" my eating disorder (even though at times it was very much still there) I completely depended on him for my happiness.

However when he broke up with me I was completely and utterly lost, and because I'd only ever spoken to him when I was upset I didn't even have anyone to talk to and I consequently relapsed.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, all I'm saying is maybe it'll do you good to try and find an alternative support system? And ultimately a support system within yourself whilst still having the loving support from your boyfriend? It'll be hard at first but hopefully you will have friends you'll be able to trust in a similar way to how you trust your boyfriend.

Remember also he'll always be at the end of a phone for you

Hope you're okay

xxxxxxx