I know the feeling, believe me. But I think you are stronger than you believe, and definitely stronger than me. It's shit but you can get through it, I know it.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
Thank you. I'm sick of getting through. This will never be gone for good while I'm alive, it won't even be gone for a reasonable amount of time. I know I'm strong, well strong in the fact that I can likely keep breathing through this but I've had more than enough of the struggle. I at least wish I could get some relief from self harm but it rarely gives me anything now. Or even better I want to be able to overdose on stuff like I used to and be completely out of it.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Can't deal with being conscious. There is no relief. There is no answer other than suicide, I know it, I need to be brave. Please don't let me be trapped like this.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
You can get through this, can you call the crisis team? I've never rang them so I don't know how helpful they are but they may have some ideas or can maybe offer you extra support at least they'll let your MH team know how much you are struggling. Please try to help yourself, I know how hard it is when it's that dark but it can improve, I hope you find something that can help you be kind to yourself
"It is not the strength of the body that counts, but the strength of the spirit"
-J.R.R Tolkien
Thanks. The CMHT crisis team have finished for the day and the informal crisis team can be a bit hit or miss. I don't feel up to talking on the phone anyway. I'm seeing a CPN on Friday anyway, I can't ask for more support. Things have been hard for many, many years. There are far more bad times than neutral times and I don't see that changing. I can't deal with the present even if there is hope in the future. There will likely be threat in the future rather than anything good anyway.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thank you both. I'm mostly the same as always. Although I saw a CPN on Friday who asked me about my suicidal thoughts and at that point I was only doing things like saying "I want to die" out loud in the hope that I could passively make something happen so she was pleased that I'm not actively suicidal at the moment. It really changes so quickly though and I can feel the pressure in my head trying to fight for space at the front and if I get triggered I could be back to making plans for suicide. I wish I would just go through with it, I'm trapping myself here by my inability to just get on with death, and life is torture and full of pain that I don't want to experience any more.
I did have good points during Thursday and I tried to hold on to that but they just don't last. I was watching a thing about dementia last night and the expert said that what's important is trying to let the people have good moments even if they don't remember them afterwards. I'm too aware that my good moments will end quickly and I don't seem to be able to make the most of them. I'm really, really socially anxious right now and have been avoiding 'friends' when I see them on buses etc. I haven't had friend contact for months now and I don't want it. I'm only comfortable with going to the supported gym group because it's usually just me, one other service user, and a support worker. Unexpected contact from strangers or friends gives me a headache and makes me panic and I usually end up making excuses to get away. My brother probably feels like this yet he has to go to work and socialise and see his partner, he must feel worse than me and I can't do anything to help him.
The CPN I saw on Friday said I respond well to increased community support in a crisis. I'm worried about having my support reduced further. I can't do this myself but my emotions are probably not considered to be part of a crisis at the moment. I can't battle through this any more. I am so tired of surviving.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I find it such a shame that you can't focus all this negativity on finding a way to improve your life instead of ending it.
I believe there is a place for everyone in life. It takes a while to find where you belong and where you feel comfortable but you have to keep trying things, as awful as they might seem, because you might be surprised when you find something that you do enjoy.
However if you firmly believe that everything is going to be rubbish then it WILL be rubbish. I know there's a lot more to it than that but positive thinking, or at least HOPEFUL thinking, will give you a head start.
I saddens me to read your posts because it's the same thing over and over... I really wish you could find a way out of this loop.
Don't apologise for feeling the way you do! Keep writing here. I didn't mean to make you feel bad about it. I just think there must be something else you could try, a different kind of support or something, I don't know.
Thanks. I am sorry though, I'm a nuisance. I'm seeing my CPN on Wednesday and will try and ask her then if there are any more options for me. I should maybe write it down and force myself to give it to her because a lot of the time I think about asking about what could be available but then my mood gets to such a low point that I think it's not worth it so I say nothing.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
You're not a nuisance at all. You've taken the time to comment in my threads and are always very supportive and that's not the behaviour of someone who is a nuisance. =)
I think that is a very good idea. Would a bit of gentle reminding/encouragement be helpful on Wednesday?
My appointment is at 3.30pm. Feeling like giving up on the idea of asking her if any other support is available. I feel like there are no life options and I don't really want life options anyway.
I was hurting so much today but went out because it would have probably been worse at home. I didn't get a break from the hurt. Everything was a battle. I thought about X suicide method if no one was there but people were there. It wouldn't take too much effort or time if I planned it right. The only thing is I don't know if/when X would make this plan possible so I'd have to find a place to hide and watch. Part of me thinks I don't exist enough to be seen anyway, or killed. I would be told to challenge that thought and realise that I would be hurt or killed if I am a physical being. If that's the case then that's ok. I just need to avoid being seen by people or CCTV. I was thinking about doing it tonight but stupidly I don't want to get it wrong and end up home really early tomorrow morning and then I might not be able to get out of bed on time for the council coming to check the gas. Pathetic. I could do it another day but then I think maybe I should hold on for my appointment with my CPN on Wednesday. I might try and phone my CPN tomorrow as she's on crisis.
I came home and cut. I felt like a drug addict when I was looking on my arms for a suitable place to cut like an addict would look for a suitable vein. I can't cut enough. There is not enough blood and not enough damage.
I truly am sorry but I feel completely hopeless and my mood is torturing me. It's not easy to make this stop in life, I've been told it'll improve as I age but it will never go away. I can't just keep standing here trying to tolerate things. There are zero life options. My life is good compared to so many people but I can't feel anything good. I'm sorry.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm thinking it's best to get this over with tonight. I cut more and had no idea how to tolerate the (emotional) pain until it's dark enough to go to X. I phoned the informal crisis team but the person who answered was the one person I can't talk to and it also sounded like they were on a visit so I hung up. I phoned Breathing Space and managed not to hang up, I explained I was anxious on the phone and anxious in general. We spoke for a little while and the guy said he could put me through to NHS 24 but I said there is no point because nothing will help me. He asked me to Google a book about anxiety that one of his family members found helpful (I'm Anxious by Carl Vernon) and said that I can phone back later if I want. All I need to do is find a way to get through to tomorrow without too much pain, so I can phone my CPN. I think I at least owe her that. Any help that she can offer won't help though and I especially don't think I could agree to an admission to hospital if that was suggested. I have to think about my brother and my cats. Me going into hospital would be a stressor for them, me being dead would mean I can never actively make my brother worry about me any more. He'll be free. I contribute nothing good to his life.
I can't base things on feelings and thoughts and plans I have during the fleeting positive moments because they're not the reality of my life. The majority of it is despair and it needs to be looked at and ended, it can't be minimised.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
