The flashbacks I've been having have been getting worse. I'm reluctant to use the term flashback, my therapist has been repeatedly stating that's what they are though, and has finally gotten me to be okay with that term.
They've been getting worse to the point I can barely function enough to leave the house and go to school. Yesterday during one of my classes, a chemistry class that should NOT have triggered ANYTHING, I had to run out of the class mid-lecture, because of a horrific flashback. I'm terrified to go back to that class now, terrified he'll be mad at me.
I went to the doctor at school for help today. I didn't know what else to do. I'm reluctant about taking medication but I will do ANYTHING that will help right now. I didn't see my normal doctor, cuz he wasn't available til Monday and I don't know that I could hang in there that long, so I saw the only doc available. She was mean. Maybe she wasn't mean, maybe she was correct. She said that I need to face my fears and deal with my past better (same thing someone at school told me yesterday), and that the flashbacks are an irrational reaction. That it's not logical for me to get upset over them or let them bother me because I can't be physically hurt by them. She said there is no good reason why it should be interfering with my ability to function to this extent. She said that I just needed to "toughen up" and said that maybe school just isn't for me if I'm already struggling this early in the quarter. I'm not struggling with the damn course work! I'm struggling with life! Damnit, I could be given my electrochemistry midterm right now, even though we've only had two lectures on it, and I'd totally kick ass on it even right now, because I've been working my ass off and have already studied all the material, not as in depth as I want to, but it's not the material I'm having trouble with. It's the leaving the house, staying calm while I'm out and about, trying to control the panic and flashbacks. She said that a flashback is basically the same as an anxiety attack, and there's lots of people with anxiety who can control it better than I can. She said whatever events happened in the past- just because they really were life threatening then has no impact, she says she doesn't believe that I have any reason to be this upset by them because it happened in the past and I should be able to move on.
I know life shouldn't be THIS hard, so maybe the doctor was right. Maybe it is all my fault I'm having these flashbacks and struggling so much with them. I don't know what I was thinking she could do for me. She said I had wasted her time because there's really nothing much that she can do. Maybe I'm just a waste of everyone's time. Maybe the problem of people being stressed due to not enough time would be partly solved if I just weren't around.
I tend to do okay with dealing with the flashbacks and stress when I have my cat with me. She's a trained, certified service animal, trained specifically to help with things like flashbacks. But even though BY LAW she's allowed anywhere with me because she's a service animal, I paid the money for the training and testing just like people do with dogs, my school has their heads so far up their asses they can't see to read that the law does NOT discriminate against breeds or species, so she really is a legitimate service animal. That's why the law says service ANIMAL how it's written up, and not service dog. Lots of animals can be service animals. Dogs are the most common, yes, but not the solitary ones. But because she's a cat, they're trying to say I can't have her on campus with me and that all my ADA documentation doesn't count. It's so fucking nice of them to take away the one coping mechanism that worked really well away from me illegally like that... I don't have the energy to fight this battle though. I've hardly been sleeping because of how bad my nightmares have been.
I need to go track down instructors and talk to them before my lectures in the next 40 minutes. Maybe the doctor is right... maybe I'm just going crazy... maybe I'm just not good at coping and am a horrible human being and don't deserve to live, or at least not to live a peaceful, normal life, one that doesn't involve suffering.
Has anyone else had an experience with flashbacks before? Does it mean I'm just going crazy? Was it wrong of me to go to the doctor and waste her time with reaching out for help? Is there any herbal supplements or anything I can try that has even a remote chance of being able to work?
If you get rid of the pain before you have answered its questions, you get rid of the self along with it.
--Carl Jung
Flashbacks suck! Could you try talking to your teacher about why you had to run out of the classroom I am sure he/she will understand. Its hard to focus on school when life is shitty but try sometimes its even a distraction from life.
I am sorry the doctor was mean. You are not her normal pacient but that shouldn't have mattered. You can not just snap out of it. Try seeing your regular doctor ASAP to see what he/she says.
Could you try to get away from everything for a little bit even if it's only for a few days? It may help you cope with everything.
I think the dr who saw was extremely unhelpful and totally out of order. She should have been more sensitive. It's never a waste of time if you're feeling unsafe or anything, and I think you should go to your normal dr as soon as possible.
I'm really sorry to hear you're having such flashbacks :( That must be really difficult. Just do your best to find coping mechanisms that work for you, and keep using them. I would try and get some sort of dr's note or at least try writing to someone high up in the college about your cat.
Im really sorry for all this pain that your going through. i cant begin to imagine how hard this is for you. Please remember that we are all here for you and that you dont have to go through this on your own. You really dont deserve any of this at all. Please keep talking to us. Look after yourself.
That doctor needs to be hit over the head with a psychology book! I don't have flashbacks which involve all of the senses and are disabling, but intense memories which do involve one sense and are distracting. If you have to run out of class because of one, that is disabling!
Go see your regular doctor on Monday. See if you can put together a letter about what the other doctor said to you and how she said it and send it to the appropriate person.
Don't be afraid of psych meds. They are not happy pills. They just help fix up the chemistry in the brain and help the nerves talk to each other.
My opinion about your therapy cat? Tuck her into an animal carrier or put on her leash or however it works with her so that she can't bother other students. Make copies of your ADA papers about her as your service animal and hand them to anyone who objects. If you have an extra minute, look up to see what the penalties are for not accepting that part of the ADA and give that to them too. If they refuse to let the cat into a classroom, document who and why and send that info to the ADA people. I'm being a meanie here but you already have grounds for a lawsuit against the school.
I am so sorry that things are so awful for you!
*gives you a hug*
Last edited by blondiebear : 06-04-2008 at 09:39 PM.
Reason: adding something
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Wow! I didn't know that you could get service animals for things like this! If I'd known, I'd have got one ages ago!
I have flashbacks and I know just how distracting and scary they can be.. Yeah, maybe they can't physically hurt you, but mentally, if they keep popping up, they can really damage your feelings about certain things, like you not wanting to go back to your teacher in case they were angry with you for running out.. I' sure they'll understand if you explain :)
You should keep copies of the papers with you, so that you can prove to lecturers that your cat is a certified service animal, and to be perfectly onest, there's not much that they can do about it.. If having an animal with you is what helps you to stay calm, then so be it, I know it helps me too.. They can't treat you like that and expect you to be fine with it, because they're just making things worse for you, that doctor was completely out of order and I can't believe she said that you were wasting her time.. She could have spoken to someone higher up for you and helped you be able to have the cat with you..
I hope you manage to get this sorted out soon, chin up, it'll all be ok in the end, I'm sure that if you keep pushing on it, eventually they'll have to accept. And no, you are wrong.. you do deserve to be here, you deserve all the time people give you and that doctor was the one who was in the wrong, not you.. you can't help having flashbacks and i know just how it feels to not know what to do about them, if you need time out, take it and then explain to the lecturer afterwards, I'm sure they'll understand.
