I am really struggling not to self harm or do anything else stupid. I am still recovering from last week's skin graft op and yet I have the urge to burn again. I bought the stuff to do it with yesterday but told myself to try to hold off for a bit longer. I feel so much emotional pain and I feel alone with it all.
I'm really proud of you for telling yourself, that despite how alone you are feeling and how much emotional pain you are in, that you needed to hold off for a while and see how things went. That takes a lot of courage.
how are you feeling right now? do you feel any different than when you wrote this thread?
i'm glad that you reached out to people when you were feeling alone in your pain. perhaps talking a little bit more about what you're experiencing could allow people to empathize more
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Thanks for your replies. It helps to know that there are people out there reading and responding. I'm not so bad today, the urges are less strong but there's a part of me that feels like I still need to harm. I was triggered by something a couple of days ago but I feel less disturbed by it now. However, the hopelessness is growing, the pointlessness of my life, and then I end up thinking all I have is self harm and it doesn't matter if I do it.
I managed to get into doing my art today. I haven't done any all week and if I am creating something, it gives me a sense of purpose. I usually go to an art studio for people with MH problems twice a week but because I'm recovering from my operation, I haven't been able to get there this week. It has left me quite isolated - the only place I've been is to the Burns Unit.
I don't understand why I need to do so much harm to myself. My life is not so bad - it's certainly a lot better than it used to be. I am waiting to be assessed for DBT but there's about a six month wait. I am trying to be hopeful that I will be accepted for the therapy and that if I work hard at it, I will get better. But six months is such a long time and I'm not sure I can make it through it.
im doing the DBT program now, I had to wait over a year, I think 2 years before I got in, so it was hard staying strong, but try and stay strong, we are all here for you and want the best for you, the program does work, there is a lot of work involved but it is worth it, the skills that I use are life skills, and can use them in everyday life.
Wow, that's a long time! I'm really glad you managed to wait and that you are finding DBT helpful.
I am just trying to find ways to manage through self-help. I have a Care Co-ordinator who seems to be a nice person but doesn't really know how to help me.
I have to go to have my staples out tomorrow and the dressing removed from the donor site (which unfortunately is on the back of my thigh). Luckily I am having it done on the ward rather than the dressings clinic so at least I can have extra pain relief. I am hoping I can come off crutches and walk without this massive boot splint and then I can do most things again.
Just because the intensity of what you have been feeling has lessened doesn't mean that what your feeling now is any less valid. It must be hard to feel like you are slipping into a place of hopelessness and while it may not not feel positive it is positive that you can recognise that because that means you can do things to help change that. What do you think you could do to help ease the hopeless feeling? You mentioned your art gives you a sense of satisfaction so I wondering if you could do that or something similar. I hope you don't have to wait too long for the DBT. Good luck with getting your staples out tomorrow
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Thanks. I did something positive today - I booked an interview for an art course that I am interested in doing next terms. I am nervous as my artwork is very personal, with references to self harm and mental health. But it would give me that sense of purpose if I was to get on the course.
I had my staples out yesterday and the grafts are healing well. Part of me is glad but part of me is not sure whether I want to heal. I am trying to think of the positive things about them being healed and being discharged from the Burns service but I feel torn.
That's great about the course, good luck for the interview. I think it is normal to feel torn over it, I know I can myself sometimes feel torn when a self-harm wound is starting to heal. Well done for trying to think positively though
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Sorry to bump this thread. I was ok for a few days and the urges to harm myself were minimal. But yesterday, my mood started to dip and although I have been trying to keep going and do positive things, the self harm thoughts are creeping back. I am full of self doubt, thinking about the art course I want to do. I have an interview next week and need to bring a portfolio, which I am currently working on. But what if I have been deluding myself and actually, my artwork is completely crap?
I had a horrible dream about self harm last night and the content should have put me off the ideas of self harm as it was so disturbing to me, but somehow, it has triggered me to think about it more.
I have that tight feeling in my head, like my brain is being crushed inside. I feel like crying but the tears are trapped. Self harm would get all the pain out and I would feel calm afterwards.
I am trying to hang on to the reasons not to do it but they are not enough.
My agitation has been rising today. I got to a point where i took Lorazepam this afternoon as I was hypomanic and couldn't function well. I was too speedy and my hands were too shaky to do any art. I've been calmer since then but now I have this sense of dread, like everything is going to go wrong in my life. The panicky agitated feelings are coming back and I can't keep taking Lorazepam as I have a very limited supply. I really don't feel right at all. I need to be more grounded to work on my portfolio for the interview for my art course next week but my head's all over the place. Self harm would get my head straight. It is the only thing I have found to help. But I don't want to end up having surgery yet again.
That feeling/sense of dread can really ache and be overwhelmingly painful. *hugs* I know how you are feeling can be unbearable and suffocating, but can you try and ride it through? Maybe you could document your feelings through the process in your art work? Self harm may help, but ultimately, you will be back in this situation again, it will just perpetuate the vicious cycle.
When I struggled, I often felt like every wound had to be worse than before and that I was aiming for ultimate destruction. But there are other ways you can push your body to the limit. I assume you can't make it to the gym due to almost constantly having wounds but maybe you could aim to it?
I'm sad to hear things are such a struggle for you. What support have you got whilst waiting for the DBT? Have you ever had psychotherapy?
sticks and stones may break your bones but words can tear your heart out.
Thanks for your reply. I am feeling a bit more positive today, still agitated and stressed but it feels more under control and I am not feeling the urge to self harm. I managed to work on my portfolio that I will take to the interview.
I am trying not to self harm before the interview for my art course, which is a week today, as I don't want to turn up with bandages. And my legs are nearly healed so I can get back to doing things like exercise soon.
I have some support in the form of my care co-ordinator. She is a social worker and is actually really nice and tries her best. She thinks I should wait for the DBT and thinks I'll be assessed in a couple of months. I'm thinking of looking into psychotherapy when I've done the DBT. At the moment I am trying to build a life for myself and accept that I will stuggle with difficult thoughts and emotions but not let it hold me back. It's easier said than done, though.
Hi. I'm glad you're managing not to self harm, that's really positive. I know you mentioned the burn unit and graft earlier; is it worth thinking about all the hard work the doctors have done, and reminding yourself of that and not to ruin it? It might be a good incentive - that you don't want another graft.
I'm glad your CC is trying and I hope you get the assessment soon.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
