How dare I consider allowing myself to reach one month self harm free? Like I deserve that. Sabotage.
I've been thinking a lot, and crying a bit, about my twin who died at birth. Last night I wondered if we were identical twins or not. I have lots of questions but no one to ask who could answer them. I ache for her loss. I will never be complete. I really should acknowledge her more, and acknowledge my Mum and Dad too. I'm thinking about getting a bracelet with mine and my twin's initials on it or something else to acknowledge her. I have a cross necklace for my Mum and a necklace with my Dad's ashes in it although I never wear them.
How do I navigate life alone? It's so hard to describe the loss felt throughout life being a lone twin.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My twin has always sort of been a part of my life in a way, my Mum always spoke about her and told me to talk to my twin before I went to bed. There is research that losing a twin at birth can be more traumatic than losing them during life which I can sort of believe. There is a huge painful emptiness inside me. It can't ever be filled.
I didn't get medical help for the self harm. It's to an extent that I probably should have got treatment but it's not 100% necessary so I'll manage it by myself.
The storm last night was scary. The men are more active when the weather is extreme or cold and I could hear messages in the storm and felt like I needed to go outside to absorb them. I didn't go out though. I just kept going in and out of bed and looking out windows and thinking if I should go out or not. I wouldn't want to be seen and it was still early enough for people to be about. I was worrying a lot about the safety of everyone in general who might be out in the storm and get hurt etc. I got caught up in the distress of knowing there isn't really anything I can do to protect everyone. It's not my responsibility to protect the world from all bad things but I hate being so powerless. I am sorry that people hurt.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I can't imagine how painful it must be to feel that emptiness. I'm so sorry for your twin.
Are you sure that you can manage okay without going to a doctor? Please, take care. Is there a reason why you don't want to get treatment?
I think I kind of understand being upset about all the people that are hurting. But the great thing is that there are also many many people out there who are happy. Right now all around the world there are people that are falling in love, getting married, seeing their dreams come true. Do you ever think about it? Do you think seeing happy people would make you feel any better about the world?
It really isn't necessary for me to get treatment, things will get better on their own I'm sure.
I know there are people who are happy in their lives, it's hard to focus on that when there are so many people suffering. And people who are happy right now can be hurt in the future. I'm worried about my own effect on the world, I shouldn't interact with people because I can make mistakes and I can hurt them. I am too much of a responsibility for me to handle. I can't deal with life.
How the hell do I get out?
Intensely, intensely overwhelmed.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I know this might seem like a load of rubbish but i think that if you hurt someone and it wasn't intentional then i think the situation could be easily resolved. I don't like the thought of you spending your entire life alone because of the fear of hurting others. The truth is that we all end up hurting someone at some point during our lives. Saying sorry might not take the hurt back but it can stop the pain from spreading any further.
When my head goes into overdrive i tend to dwell on the bad things. I only see pain and sorrow and grief. To snap out of it i need to talk to someone. I think that could be helpful for you too. To hear another human voice to confirm that you are not responsible for all the bad things in the world. And how could you be???? That would be impossible.
By sucumbing to the fear of hurting others you are holding yourself back from feeling better and in the long run that might hurt yourself even more. I just worry that the longer this goes on, the harder it will be to break free from that fear.
I know unintentionally hurting others sometimes is part of being a human, I just really don't want to be the cause of any big or small hurt. It doesn't help that the men tell me I have been programmed to protect people, yet I am doing a very bad job of it. I don't see a way to even lessen my grip on my worry about people etc. It does help to talk sometimes but that's only really accessible during appointments or if I make a phone call.
I want everything about me to end. I want to die but leave no pain for others. Why was I even born? I don't want this. It's all way too much. I don't want to learn ways to cope or manage, I just need death. This is a never-ending hell.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I've been thinking a lot about my past overdoses and how the number of pills I took was hugely excessive, I remember I had to be prompted to breathe by a machine in A&E one time and a doctor said he had never heard of anyone taking so many of those meds. Sometimes I didn't go to hospital and just fell asleep at home. I'm guessing on any of those times I maybe could have stopped breathing. It's kind of scary but also...I wish I had died. I wish I could do it now but I can't swallow loads of tablets. It would have been easier if I had never been born. I don't want to be stuck in life, please. Delete me.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm not really sure. Feeling lots of dread and panic.
I was thinking about how there are people who genuinely hate me and that I'm sorry that I have poisoned their lives. I am holding the blame for them hating me. I'm tired of being the one to blame for everything.
When I was in the waiting area in the health centre today I noticed a sheet that said what to do if there is a fire and the symbols for the fire alarm showed the hand pressing the button on one side and the fire on the other side but the actual sign had the hand and the fire the other way round. It made me very anxious. I'm not sure why but it seems dangerous. I mentioned it to my support worker and she asked if I'd like her to bring it up at the next team meeting. I don't think she was taking me seriously, and if she did bring it up at the team meeting people would consider me an idiot. There is too much danger to protect people from especially when I can't explain what the danger is. People think I'm making things up because I'm 'intelligent' and rational. I'm very distressed by life and by the men and what my role is here.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I was really grateful to see my CPN today. She said she knew I wouldn't let myself reach one month self harm free which is quite funny because I genuinely thought I would make it so she knows me better than I do! I had written a small list and some of it mentioned the men and stuff. She asked what the corner protector is and said that the men seem to be around more when it's stormy. She asked if I wanted to talk about anything else or if I wanted her to put more importance on anything I had written but I said no because of the time I was taking up (she was late because there was an incident in the waiting area). I felt like she skimmed over the men and they are an important aspect of my life.
We spoke about the gym group and I mentioned someone talking to me about what was going on for her and how people seem to tell me things and I might be of no help but I hope they feel listened to. She asked if I feel listened to. I said she listens to me but I worry about when she'll move on and won't be my CPN any more. She asked if I can see myself ever not having a nurse and I said yes but that I'd be way more distressed. If I had no one I'd probably keep on breathing even though it would hurt more. Please don't leave me without support :( (I didn't say that to my CPN). She is off next week but said I shouldn't feel like I'm on my own because I can phone and speak to another CPN or I can phone duty and they will arrange to see me. I'm grateful the support is there. I don't know if I'd be brave enough to try and access it though.
I don't have any close supportive relationships in my personal life and that hurts and makes me feel sad and alone. Professionals don't stick around.
My CPN also mentioned a self esteem group that I went to and that is still running and was surprised at how long ago I had went to it, 2008. I'd be willing to give it another try but I don't think I'd properly engage with it. I dug out my letter that we had to write to ourselves at the end of the group for it to be posted to us. I remember how hard it was to write and how I just lied in small sentences. It's cringey to read.
I'm so, so tired. How much longer do I have to tolerate life?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I feel very scared and alone. Terrified (I know I use that word too much but it's how I feel). There is no one to help hold me up, other than professionals who can't always be there. I can't deal with life on my own. Plus things with the men and responsibility for everyone, it's too much, too hard. I am not cut out for this. Who gave me all this responsibility? Press a button and delete me.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Do you feel at the mercy of the men?
You are not responsible for everyone, though I know that the mind can feel that way, you were given too much responsibility too soon and it weighs a burden. I don't know who gave you too much responsibility, and then increased sense of responsibility on top of that.
I don't want you to be deleted, you are worth more than that to yourself.
