Finding yourself wishing you had a different mental illness?

[KonfusedCayc]

Okay this is probably pretty weird... Maybe no one who understands will see this or even have the courage to reply.

I have OCD and one of my obsessions is other mental illnesses I do not have. If I see something out of the corner of my eye, I start thinking I have psychosis like schizophrenia or something like that. When my self harm urges get so strong I can practically hear my thoughts out loud arguing about whether or not I should cut, I start thinking maybe it really is an auditory hallucination.

I used to convince myself that I was afraid I had psychosis, but the truth is it's not actually fear I feel. It's almost like I'm waiting for it to happen. I imagine myself going back to a hospital and staying there a while. It feels comforting to imagine that. I liked the week I spent in the hospital, but I wish I could get away from my life for longer.

It's like wanting to die without the commitment. I want something so bad to be wrong with me that I have no excuse but to go to a hospital and stay there until I'm ready to come back to life. I also want to be able to listen to the thoughts about self harming while knowing I'm not in any danger. In the hospital, there's nothing sharp, there's nothing you can hang yourself on, people check on you every 15 minutes even at night... It's safe.

To say that I want psychosis wouldn't be right. I know it's debilitating and extremely difficult to live with. I try to tell myself I just want a little episode of it, just enough to take a vacation away from life.

I feel extremely guilty. I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't want to trade OCD and depression, things I've learned to cope with, for psychosis, something that would be foreign and dangerous to me. I just want an excuse to die without actually dying, and to be safe while I'm away. Psychosis would be the perfect reason to go.

I'm not suicidal enough to go, and there are important things I need to get done. I also can't afford the bill right now to admit myself. For now, I'm stuck slogging through existence.

Does anyone else wish they had something worse?? Or wish they could get worse? I'd imagine this is akin to triggering yourself. Please let me know if you feel this way. I hate feeling like a freak. Knowing someone else understands would really help me.

[Pi.R^2]

You're not a freak. I think it's actually fairly common to wish that you were 'more ill' or had a different symptom/disorder, for a whole variety of reasons, primarily because of wanting the treatment that that would facilitate. It's good that you can see that this isn't a particularly healthy desire though and that there would be a lot of downsides of being more unwell.

Do you have any professional help at the moment? Perhaps it would be helpful to mention this to a counsellor/therapist etc (I know it sounds scary to raise it, but I imagine they will have heard similar stories before!) and you can hopefully work through what is leading you to find the idea of hospital so desirable and how to work to alter your life so that you don't feel compelled to escape it by being in hospital.

I hope that makes sense and well done for posting, I know it won't have been easy!

[Cheryl88]

I have a similar story. I had problems with self-harm and drugs and severe anxiety and convinced myself that I had OCD and gender dysphoria.

I ended up seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with PTSD and a dissociative disorder (childhood trauma), so I thought, okay now I know what it is I get can fixed. I was put on sertraline and thought I was getting better.

Little did I know I was in the middle of a psychotic episode. I was seeing a counsellor and she sent me to the university doctors twice saying I was seriously unwell but they never sectioned me.

To answer the question, yes, I wish I did have something else because psychosis has ruined my life. I could have lived with another diagnosis without being sectioned under the mental health act and getting myself signed off uni for a year.

I totally understand you wanting to be in a safe place but when I was in there I didn't know why, I was convinced I was fine. I took a vacation from reality from February until the end of September last year, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[sherlock holmes]

I can relate. When my MH issues began as a teenager (depression and anxiety) I did for a time wish I'd have schizophrenia so I'd get a break from real life and go into hospital to be looked after. But I think I quickly realised, from talking to people on here, that having a psychotic disorder like schizophrenia can be terrifying and extremely hard to manage. It doesn't mean you can check out of real life, it just makes real life a whole lot harder. But I do understand that desire to have people look after you for a while in a safe space.

However going into psychiatric hospital isn't a safe bubble. Yes they check on you, but if you want to harm or kill yourself it's still very much possible in hospital. I self harmed in all the units I was in, other patients have made serious suicide attempts, and only a couple of months after I left a secure unit another patient did kill herself. It was very sad.

I think the best thing to do is find something in your own life that gives you a feeling of safety or like a mini vacation. Doing some mindfulness or guided meditation can be very peaceful and relaxing. Download the headspace app or search for videos on youtube. Perhaps there's somewhere local to you that is quiet, that you can travel to to be alone and relax.