It's really hit me today how stressed I am and how overwhelmed I feel. I dreamed of a Tsunami last night, and I guess that's how it feels.
A big thing is that I have a blocked right ear, and it's been that way off and on for several weeks. I'm trying to treat it myself now, because I'm so fed up - I can't hear customers properly at work, and my own voice sounds weird to me. It's like half of my head is muffled and it's very disorientating. It's also an exhausting symptom to live with.
I know, I 'should' go to my doctor.
But there's another thing. I'm scared of my new GP.
And so the list [well, some of it] of worries on my mind right now -
My next appointment with my new GP, in about a month's time. Scared I'll 'lose my voice' again with her and be steamrollered into something without at least her getting a full picture.
Changes at work. One of our offices is closing next week. I'm there one day a week, but due to a whole lot of complicated arrangement things, they've not told me yet where I will be working for that day. And the way things are, one option could mean that it also effects where I am working the rest of my weekday hours, too.
Waiting to hear back from my ex landlady. I replied to her deduction proposal, after some support from my therapist, asking for clarification on her costings. I'm scared.
I know that I'm not ok because I was 'off' with customers this afternoon. Well, they were 'off' with me and that's usually a good indication that I'm more vulnerable.
I'm trying so hard to hold onto the fact that I'm a good, valuable person and that I don't need to spend the rest of my life with my head hanging in shame.
I just, need to feel less alone. That people reading understand, and maybe care a bit.
I know I need to get my ear checked out. But I don't know how to do that without risking giving medical ammo for my attention seeking - I daren't see my/a GP until I'm next due to my MH check in.
How long have you been treating the blockage yourself? Protocol for syringing has become much more stringent these days because of the (very small!) risk of damage to the ear drum. So unless you've been treating it consistently with ear drops such as cerumol for about four weeks now, going to the doctors will result in either you being told to go home and use cerumol, or getting them syringed if you lie and work out how to make it look like you've been using it for four weeks (which I do do myself, but it would be irresponsible of me to recommend that anyone else does it- it's just a risk I choose to take).
So the summary of my ramble is that unless you've been treating it properly yourself for a few weeks, then you might as well wait until your next GP appointment anyway.
I just started the drops yesterday evening, Jenna. [And thanks. :)] [And have been whinging all day about how the oil dripped into my hair and made it super oily and horrid!]
Thing is, I'm not so sure it is wax. There seems to be a sinus connection. But as I can't take decongestants due to how they effect me psychologically, I'm sort of stuck.
You might find that seeing your GP for something physical is a good way to meet them again and get a view of what they are like in general. I thought one of mine was a bit funny over self harm as he refused to treat me and said I had to see the nurse (nurse then told me he hated blood??!) and when I went for something physical he misdiagnosed me to the point a senior partner was shocked. Basically the point I'm making is he was just a rubbish GP and it was nothing to do with my MH.
I hope that your ear gets better soon. If not, a pharmacist might be your best first-stop, because they're more likely to help you quickly and easily without the hassle of a GP appointment (who more than likely would send you away anyway)
Write a list for the GP appointment in a month. If you feel steamrolled, hand the list/note over.
Can you talk to your line manager about the changes at work?
I hope you hear back from your landlady soon.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I woke up this morning with a stye! Another sure sign that stress is getting to me. It's not so easy to forget things, Elsie, as it covers so much of my life. Even if I push aside things consciously, my subconscious knows, and I can't help that. Stressful things are going on and I have to be with them. I am going to a Mind yoga class today [hopefully] so that is one step.
Thanks for explaining re the GP thing, startingagain. That's really helpful. If things don't improve by after the weekend I might have to.
Sophia, thank you.
I did email my line manager earlier in the week. Yesterday he told me it's waiting on senior management. He said he'd try and find out for me asap. I have some time off work next week due to my birthday, which is good in that I get some rest, but means I am not at work to find out things. Though my manager is good and would email me at home.
Yes, I noticed the spam sig when I read the thread from my phone - I have sigs blocked when I'm logged in. Hmm. Thanks. :)
Am struggling with the conflict between wanting to run away from the world, and wanting to run to meet it. I am so tired and physically run down from the stress. At least the yoga class cleared my ear for now. But it was as bad as ever before.
Don't forget, ever, stellata, whatever the world throws at you, in whatever form that might be......you ARE a worthwhile person. And you are valuable too.... Especially to me as you've replied to posts of mine which has helped me and plenty of other people have benefitted from your input as well. It's because of people like you that this site works. I hope u startntonhave some improvement with your ear soon, I have had ear trouble myself in the past and it's not at all pleasant. It does cut you off a bit from reality & it's not like having a bad leg or something, you can't exactly rest you ear like you would support an aching leg....
I'm not entirely sure if this is helpful, but do try to be gentle with yourself. Break the things you need to do down in to smaller chunks and anything that isn't urgent at this exact moment in time - write it down and put it aside until you're in a better position to deal with it. Nobody can be expected to deal with 434756348 things at once and sometimes we need to priotise things and take things a little step at a time. Remember to give yourself time to relax in the day, especially if you're feeling vulnerable.
Now, I've had some terrible ear problems in the past where both ears kept blocking up so I understand how annoying and stressful it can be. Echoing what startingagain said, I think going in for a little physical issue might be a good way to help combat your anxiety. If you've been using ear drops for at least a week and it hasn't cleared up then it's perfectly reasonable to go there. They'll usually perscribe you olive oil or sodium bicarbonate ear drops to take for a week (you can also get olive oil ones at the pharmacy) and if it doesn't clear up then they'll syringe it for you, which isn't nearly as harsh as it sounds! I personally found it extremely relieving :P Like a waterfall cleaning my ear.
I don't really want to go to work today. But I'm not quite ill enough to be off sick. Not knowing where I'll be working the week after next doesn't help. It feels like I'm a pawn in their administrative wheels and like I don't matter.
And I'm scared my ex landlady will 'have a go' at me when she responds to my email. I just don't feel strong enough to deal with that.
My ear seems to be fine when I'm lying down, which is strange. It is a bit clearer. I'll see how it is by early next week.
At last my manager told me what's happening to me, where I'll be working. I had to push a bit to find out though. It's not what part of me wants, but at least I know now.
My ear is fine now I'm home. Maybe the office during the week work more will be a bit less pressure as when I'm just about able to take care of me, running after customers sometimes just doesn't happen. Which I feel bad about, but.
I am so so so tired. And I don't know how to relieve the tiredness, it seems like everything is so unrelenting.
I'm really pleased you now know, it's not always what you want which i suppose is the trouble with any job. but you are right about at least knowing. Well, as you said you've got some time off, especially as its your birthday you want to take it easy, do things that you like, no chores in your birthday. Do you use relaxation techniques at all? I used them alot when I was in therapy & though it all felt a bit off doing them at first they used to help if I did them late on before bed.
oh, stellata, that's a bit of a bummer (excuse the expression but it seemed to fit). Because relaxtion is always portrayed as being helpful, it would never have crossed my mind it could be unhelpful. Just typical but hopefully you'll be able to find a balance. Hmmmn PMT, "the monster is nigh". Its not helpful for you as everything seems to have come at once.....
I bought myself an iPod touch for my birthday [4th generation one] and am downloading a whole lot of relaxation type tracks, white noise for sleep etc.. As well as some uplifting ones.
I did hear back from my ex landlady. It could have been worse, and I feel a bit calmer now she's at least not 'had a go' at me. But she's not budging on cost.
What sort of strategies/techniques has your therapist suggested for when you feel like this? Could you talk to a neighbour or someone you know in real life?
