Yay for good friends. It sucks that you had to go through that though.
*hugs*
"People have abused you lots in the past? Why do you then abuse yourself more?" - Quote
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone, Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong, Sometimes I feel nothing at all, Sometimes I feel vulnerable, Sometimes I feel a little fragile
Evidence of my stress levels rising was provided irrefutably when one afternoon after lazing around town I walked out of the centre towards the market and felt my lungs choke, heart immediately rising to the challenge, beating a mile a minute. I stopped, listening carefully for the presence or lack thereof of a wheeze that would tell me whether the painful tightening was asthmatic or panic.
The air rattled in and out of my lungs as though I had been possessed by Darth Vader, proving the symptoms were asthma related and I immediately fumbled in my bag for my inhaler. Taking a few puffs in quick succession I held onto a post to remain upright as the vice tightened, making it harder and harder to draw breath. As the tightening increased and the rattling grew louder and more urgent I looked around desperately for somebody, anybody whom I could ask for help. In tune as I was to my asthma attacks, I knew that this was not one that I could deal with alone. There was nobody. Trying hard to control my breathing and the rising fear as each breath became more laboured and painful I texted Cathy and another, more recently made friend Rain with shaking hands and more than a little embarrassment ‘Are you still in town?’ Minutes that seemed to crawl like hours later Cathy replied ‘Yes, why?’
No longer able to control my shaking fingers enough to text I pressed call and pressed the phone to my ear, trying hard to gain enough breath to push out the words I needed to for them to find me. The moment Cathy answered she understood what was going on before I had uttered a word. ‘Katy, where are you?’ she asked urgently.
‘Near…Gothic shop…on…way…to market…need…you,’ I managed to gasp out, though the effort sent me to my knees. I clutched the post as the floor seemed to tip and tumble. ‘Me and Rain are on our way,’ reassured Cathy, ending the call. I leaned heavily against the post and focused hard on drawing as much air into my lungs as my fading strength and closed airways would allow.
As my vision faded at the edges I heard running footsteps. With effort I tilted my head upwards to see Cathy and Rain sprinting towards me, panic written on both of their faces. Cathy dropped down to her knees beside me and asked ‘Is it asthma?’ I nodded.
‘Shit,’ she muttered. ‘Rain look at round her lips, it’s blue. Katy, do you need an ambulance?’
I wavered, torn by my hatred of hospitals and my need for assistance. Finally I nodded. Cathy leapt into action, seemingly grateful for something she could actively do to help. She dialled three nines then proceeded to explain the situation, begging them to be as quick as they could. Once she had finished the phone call she sat stock still for a moment. ‘are you ok?’ asked Rain, turning to her with concern on his face. ‘Yeah,’ she said sounding vaguely dazed. ‘It’s just that I just acted like a responsible adult!’ I managed a short tight smile, trust Cathy to nearly make me laugh when I was unable to breathe. She dropped down and joined Rain and I on the floor, following the operator’s instructions for keeping me calm and trying to maintain some air going in and out, pushing the inhaler into my mouth again and again, begging me to breathe in.
Cathy texted her friend Sarah to bring her bag down as we waited, unsure of whether she would need to come with me or not. I squirmed with embarrassment as Sarah looked down at me with strained sympathy whilst handing Cathy her bag. I didn’t want to be the group’s object of pity, just a friend; an equal. Something that looked set never to happen if things like this kept occurring. An ambulance turned the corner, interrupting my thoughts and bringing me back with the gravity of the situation. After asking a few questions and realising I had nowhere near enough breath to answer the ambulance crew placed the familiar mask over my face and helped me into the ambulance. Cathy made the decision to stay behind and Rain hopped into the ambulance after me, holding my hand tight to reassure me.
I smiled gratefully at Rain for most of the journey, gradually able to talk a little bit at a time tor reassure him in turn as the vice on my chest was loosened by the stale tasting Nebuliser that I was attached to. When we reached the hospital I refused a wheelchair, I have always hated the things; sitting in them makes me feel like a child, on a lower level than everyone else and like an invalid. It also brought back painful memories of the humiliation of being wheeled out of school to an ambulance in one, oxygen mask over my face to combat an asthma attack, which gave the various pupils ammunition to tease and torment me for weeks afterwards. Rain helped me shrug off the ambulance crew’s insistence and put a steadying arm around me to help me walk on my wobbling legs.
Rain stayed holding me right through the various doctors’ and nurses’ questions and tests, only leaving once my mother had arrived to take over and he was assured that I no longer needed his presence. Giving me a tight hug and a promise of a text to check how I was later he walked out of the children’s A&E, turned and gave me a smile, then continued out of the doors. Leaning against Mum I smiled after him. I had amazing friends.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
"People have abused you lots in the past? Why do you then abuse yourself more?" - Quote
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone, Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong, Sometimes I feel nothing at all, Sometimes I feel vulnerable, Sometimes I feel a little fragile
That night I lay awake, thoughts buzzing like fireflies around my head. I had panicked less today when faced with a life threatening asthma attack than ever before, why? Could be it that I had finally reached the point where I didn’t care whether I lived or died? I batted the thought away. No, I had great friends, a loving family, of course I cared whether I lived or died. I considered death. I felt around the idea of it, the smooth edges and the dark fathomless centre. When I thought of death in terms of reality, never waking to face another day, never communicating or making new memories…I didn’t feel afraid or repulsed. I felt numb. I felt nothing.
As hours turned night into day I lay thinking and continued to consider all through the day. That night at the youth centre’s girls’ group Marie laid out cards with amusing cartoon images connected with where we thought we would be and/or wanted to be in five years time. During the activity I remained silent and refused to participate. Once break time arrived I gratefully sped off to a corner of the games room, sliding into a corner seat and huddling in on myself. Natalie and Keelie followed soon after, asking me what was wrong. I looked up into their concerned eyes and for once, spoke the truth. ‘When you were all looking ahead five years in there? I don’t see myself living that long…In fact,’ I added quietly. ‘I don’t see myself living past two…’
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
:-O (why do those faces look so wrong?)
Anyway....Wow!!
*squishes* much love <3
"People have abused you lots in the past? Why do you then abuse yourself more?" - Quote
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone, Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong, Sometimes I feel nothing at all, Sometimes I feel vulnerable, Sometimes I feel a little fragile
You write so beautifully, and I can relate to a lot of what you say... I often feel just like that, I can't see myself in a year or two years into the future...
