Wanting to harm myself

[not_so_insig]

My cat was put to sleep after a short illness yesterday. The vet said he most likely had cancer. He was only 5 so not terribly old. As detailed in a previous thread he was the only thing that kept me going sometimes. But now I don't have anything and rn I can't see the point.

My dad's cousin died on my birthday so I was sad about that too. Like my cat she had cancer too.

I am just naturally very upset and took prn twice yesterday (not an OD but within prescribed limits). I can't cook because my concentration is so shit atm I would be liable to cause a fire.

How do I live? I plan on contacting my cpn on Monday as my cat used to like her and he always had a fuss from her. I just really want to end my life. Rn I feel physically wobbly which isn't helping.

[one_step_closer]

I'm so sorry this has happened, Dawn. You were both so good for each other. Grief is always difficult especially when it comes suddenly. Please do all the safe things you need to do to get through this. I know that really powerful negative emotions and thoughts can come from things like this but I also believe you are strong enough to get through this safely. I hope you can get some support from your CPN. What might you be able to do to help you through until you can get to speak to her?

[not_so_insig]

Thanks for your reply Lindsay. The voices are tormenting me and I am getting really bad SI urges. Other than taking prn idk what to do. He was such a good boy and rn I can't think of a life without a cat.

[one_step_closer]

Please try and challenge the voices, what they say about you being to blame is 100% not true. It's ok to take PRN if you need to and it's helpful. Is there anyone you can spend time with/talk to? Right now things are raw but maybe in the future you could get another cat, not to replace Spot, but as another companion.

[not_so_insig]

I am going to spend time with my parents as it's my brothers birthday soon. I can't tell them my true feelings as they would overreact and they don't get mh.

[one_step_closer]

Do you think it will be helpful to just be with them at least? It's hard when you have to hide your true feelings.

[not_so_insig]

Yes i find it semi helpful to be with my parents. I have to be brave for the sake of my brother. I won't do anything until my brother's birthday because I won't ruin it. But i struggled last night.

I looked on my local cats protection website but they don't have a suitable cat atm on there. If I survive through this then I will in reality get another kitty when I am feeling ready. But rn I don't.

[one_step_closer]

Please don't do anything serious after your brother's birthday either. I know you can get through this with your own strength and the right support. I understand that it is so painful and you will be having strong urges but you have survived so much already.

[not_so_insig]

I have sent a text to my cpn (have her work mobile phone number). I know she won't read it today because it's only switched on during office hours.

I am having physical symptoms which are probably due to shock. I am taking prn meds because i feel that i need them.

Thanks Lindsay. If anything rn I just feel like binge eating which I suppose is better than suicide. I know I have 111 as an option as well as pet loss helplines.

[one_step_closer]

Sounds like you know all the right things to do, please use the safe things you need. I'm glad you have reached out to your CPN, although you know she's not there right now I think it can help to reach out and know that it's done and will be acted on.

[not_so_insig]

Thanks Lindsay. Several mh professionals have said that I have good coping skills and i know when to use prn/distractions. I will try and use them. Fingers crossed my cpn will get in contact with me this week.

I have been out today hence the late response and I think that it did me good. I am trying to use tv as a distraction but it's both a blessing and a curse. For example Casualty triggered me yesterday and the ad break on itv triggered me today because it showed a cat food advert. I think I will stick to dvds/iplayer for the next few days.

I thought about painting a picture of my cat but idk if it's a stupid idea or not. The grief is too raw to start it however atm.

Today I don't feel suicidal which is good. However that doesn't mean that I am ok.

[one_step_closer]

I'm glad the suicidal feelings have eased but I understand that's not all you're going through. I think you are very good at knowing how to safely get through things, that is such a strength. Maybe try and get out as much as you can if that is helpful. Dvds and iplayer sound like a good alternative to TV right now. I think it's a lovely idea to paint a picture of your cat when you feel able. I hope you hear from your CPN soon.

[not_so_insig]

Thanks. My cpn sent me a text which was supportive and to let her know if i needed extra support. I feel the support she has given me is all I need atm. But I am trying to use my coping skills. Atm being stuck in my flat isn't any worse than normal. I think I will be ok with just prn.

Thanks for saying its not a stupid idea. I am not suicidal and my voices are less today so that's good.

[one_step_closer]

That's good that your CPN got back to you quickly and was helpful and you can contact her again if you need more support. Keep going.

[not_so_insig]

An update. I have no physical symptoms any more which is good. Probably was shock. My brother's birthday has been and gone. I didnt harm myself after it. I haven't taken prn meds for 2 days now and I don't feel like i need them but I have enough should I feel I need them. The voices have fucked off today after nearly a week hearing them. I haven't been in contact with my cpn as I feel like I am doing ok.

However my eating and alcohol drinking increased since last Friday. I haven't binged on either of them (just above normal levels). However saying that both yesterday and today I have ate and drank less than previous days so that's slowly returning to what's normal for me.

I have requested my cat's ashes back from the vet (please dont judge as they're important to me). From previous experience my voices will increase when I get him back but I feel like I will be getting closure when i do get him back. I don't feel ready for another cat just yet but I know that one day my heart will be ready. Just not now.

[one_step_closer]

I'm glad things are improving, Dawn. I hope you will be able to manage ok when you get your cats ashes. No judgement here, I have Church's ashes in a nice wooden sleeping cat shaped box. I don't think I could just let go of him completely.

[not_so_insig]

Sorry I didn't reply Lindsay I have been busy over the past few days. Thanks for your reply. It's been just over a week since I lost my cat. Compared to this time last week I am much better. I keep on getting cat related emails (from pet product companies I have ordered from in the past) but they're no longer bothering me I just delete them and move on. I know that I can unsubscribe but I don't want to as they will prove useful for a future kitty.

My eating has decreased and so has my drinking. Ok they're still above what is normal for me but they're getting better. I feel like I am stuck in limbo as I can't move on until I get my cat back. But that could be weeks yet as I have had to wait a month before.

I am just sleeping all the time. It seems to be my way of coping. Yesterday I managed to cook something which I haven't done for a week. Ok it was a microwave ready meal but to me it's a big achievement. I am no longer crying. I know i will be much better once I can start reading my book (thankfully there are no cats in it) again. I will finish it at some point.

[one_step_closer]

Keeping busy sounds like a good idea. What's making it hard for you to read your book?

[not_so_insig]

Sorry I forgot to reply. I just didn't have the concentration to read my book as my head felt too jumbled.

I am doing much better now. My eating and drinking have gone down/back to normal levels. I got my cats ashes back this afternoon so I feel like I can move on. I was fully expecting the voices to kick in once I got him back but thankfully so far they have stayed away. I just feel emotional which is understandable. I took prn last night and will see how I feel about taking more. See how I go. I know I will be ok after tonight now that I have him back.

I see my cpn on Tuesday and I know I have her support as she has proved to be super supportive in the past and recently.

[one_step_closer]

I'm glad things are getting better and although you are emotional about your cat you can still feel the comfort of having him home. I'm also glad you feel so supported by your CPN.