Thank you. I felt so low that I nearly cried at points when I saw my CPN. Everything seems to point to suicide being the solution but my CPN doesn't think so, she acknowledges the torment I go through every day and thinks life would be better for me if it could be reduced. She's going to contact my previous psychologist to see about maybe being re-referred. I need immediate pain relief. I'm hurting and I don't want to feel it any more.
My previous CPN said hi to me when I was in the waiting room and it made me feel quite upset because she, and my current CPN, and so many other people are so good and kind and content and have nice personalities and I think that will never be me. Sometimes I wonder if it is possible to learn the life skills and social skills I struggle with but like I've said before I don't think people will be patient and give me time to learn (mostly the DWP will force me into work) and I can't be patient with myself either. It's this pain, pain, pain. I really need some relief. But what good would my relief be if my brother has none? I wish I could make everything perfect for him, he is the most important person.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Unfortunately there is no immediate fix but you're taking the right steps in getting there.
You might think that those people are all content and nice... but they probably have their own demons too. Everyone does.
It is never too late to learn life skills and I think everyone's always learning and re-learning them throughout life anyway. You might have to learn to be patient though, like I said, there is no quick fix. Nothing worth doing is easy.
I know everyone has difficulties, I just feel so consumed by mine and unable to get any distance from them.
I'm getting to a hard to handle suicidal point yet again. I really should just give in. I am impatient. Don't most people want to be free from pain as soon as possible?
I feel like this is not my body. I don't think I belong in any body. I have learned to respond to the name Lindsay but I don't fully connect to it. The only things about me that I feel are mine are my emotions and the scars I've created. This lack of connection is some of the reason why I feel like I don't exist. When I look in the mirror it's not me. I hate my physical appearance and worry about what my face and body are doing that aren't entirely under my control.
I'm finding that I'm doing more anxious movements and noises in public. It's hard to appear calm. I twitch and click with my mouth and stuff. The world is an absolutely terrifying place.
If I can just stay occupied until tonight, stay awake and take action. Please you idiot.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Wandering around my house looking for something that will do me more damage. Something to take but there is nothing. Wanting to go out and walk to X but it's still light and early so people will probably be around. Just want to run out of my house in my PJs and socks. Feeling anxious and insane. Phoned Breathing Space but hung up. Ready for death. Why must I wind myself up at this time when I need to just go to sleep? Everything's fucking hopeless and painful. No amount of support will relieve this. I thought about phoning my CPN tomorrow since she was wanting me to have a phone call from crisis at the weekend but I said no because I can't deal with the call. I didn't know if seeing them face to face was an option, that's what we usually do. I am too reliant on other people. I will be thrown away soon for my neediness. Trying to write here to at least get it out. I can't do enough damage, I can't do any damage. I don't want to distress people and that means waiting until after midnight. How do I cope until midnight? I don't want to save myself again, I want this over with for good this time. Just do it, do it. I can hide and wait and see if it can happen, if there aren't actually people around right now. Need to stay away from CCTV though. Just go to bed. No. I have to do this. At least put some clothes on first.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Shaky, anxious, upset. I went to Tesco and when I was going to the self checkout they were closed and someone was lying on the ground with paramedics and wires and beeping. I'm really worried that it might have been my CPN or support worker or previous psychologist or someone like that. I won't be able to check if these people are ok until Monday at the earliest. And what if it was my fault that this person is unwell? Because I was in Tesco, because I wasn't using my fidget cube or something. I'm going to hopefully cut in a way that might protect people. There is danger and vulnerability everywhere. I heard the paramedics bring my Mum down the stairs in a body bag. It made a crinkling noise. I'm sorry.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It definitely wasn't your fault that the person was unwell. People get sick for all sorts of reasons. My brother is currently unwell and normally he is fit. Even then they might have had an preexisting medical condition.
I hope that you don't SI and keep safe. But it was definitely not your fault and please don't blame yourself.
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
I'm so sorry you had to experience that and that it brought back those memories.
I can only emphasise that it really wasn't your fault and it is incredibly unlikely it was anyone you knew. Hopefully the paramedics worked their magic and managed to save the person.
Try to be rational and think about how cutting isn't a way of protecting people. All it does is harm, not protect.
Thank you both. It's hard to challenge my beliefs because they are ingrained and I've caused a lot of death and stuff unintentionally. I did cut but it was ok, controlled. I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow and hopefully she will be ok and everyone connected to me will also be ok. I've been alright so far today. Hold on. Please let this last. I so much can't be dealing with another trigger but they obviously can't all be predicted.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm feeling hugely low. I didn't manage to share much with my CPN on Monday because I was so low, luckily she wasn't the person who was ill in Tesco though.
I only have a flimsy barrier to put up to try and protect me from overwhelming emotional pain and it rarely holds. This is life. Life is not about joy. Everyone experiences distress. I can't deal with it. I am a failure of a partial human. I don't want to feel this pain any more. There is no solution other than death, I have tried life things for 31 years. I have tried psychological and pharmaceutical techniques for more than half of my life. Life will never be the answer. I am alone. I have no one close to soothe me. If I try to soothe myself I don't believe what I say and I end up putting myself down and feeling awful for even considering showing myself kindness. And how much of this shit does my brother feel too? That is the worst thing. I am a pointless waste of natural and supportive resources. I'm too scared to stop seeking support because I know my pain will then be more intense. I need to die.
I need reassurance but it is brief, I'd be better moving quickly towards death which would be final. Hopefully there is no awareness after death. I can't find peace and relief in life. I don't want to continue with such massive suffering and distress. Do I have many more years left of this?
I am drowning but I never die. I just keep on struggling and choking and panicking. I don't have enough power to change anything. My brain and my emotions and my health are against me. There is no cure or way of managing. The world is too random and unpredictable and influenced easily by other people and natural forces. There is too much chaos. I can't control my own brain. I can't control my own emotions.
I have an opportunity soon where it might be easier to get to the place where I can kill myself. I thought about phoning my CPN but I shouldn't rely on other people anyway. I should figure things out for myself and/or stop saving myself. I don't know what I'm going to do.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thanks Mary. I saw my CPN yesterday and I'm seeing her again on Tuesday. I made it through the potential suicide day because I was so tired. Wish I had got on with things when I had the opportunity. I'm scared about what goes on in my head and how I will probably have to face up to it at some point. I think about certain things and want to shoot myself or cut myself right open because I absolutely detest myself. My existence has been a burden on the world and I so, so wish there was a way I could delete myself from the past and present and future. Other people could provide whatever small good things I have provided.
I was out with my brother and he had an informal interview coming up and he was saying things about himself that were totally putting him down. It was very sad to see how low his self esteem is. He's like me. He's going to fall apart. Please, no.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I read more of my hospital notes. Although I didn't see any by the nurses who hate me on this occasion I'm still upset. I am perceived by other people and these perceptions are formally recorded. I am a physical being who affects the world. I contribute to pain and disaster. I wish I had killed myself a long time ago. I want to at least punish myself physically and show my hatred for myself on my body. I need my ability to overdose back. I need to destroy myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thanks for your replies. I saw my CPN yesterday, I've to see crisis on Saturday and my CPN again on Tuesday. She spoke to my previous psychologist and they're going to meet at some point to create a map about me so I think I should be going back into therapy in the future. Right now I'm not feeling anything extremely negative or anything remotely positive but I'll take that. Trying not to think about things too much while things are reasonably calm. Will wait for the next trigger...
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
